My grip tightens on her shoulders slightly, not because I’m afraid she’ll pull away but because I want her to understand how serious I am about this. “But I did know you, Jane. From the first moment you left me your horrible muffins on my doorstep, I knew exactly who you were. I knew you were sweet, and kind, and persistent. You kept after what you wanted, and I’m just hoping you’ll remember… there was a time you wanted me. A time you wouldn’t give up.”
“Kyle,” she says on a shaky breath as her eyes soften.
“But first,” I say cautiously, because this is really where I’m putting everything on the line. “I have to tell you everything about me.”
Jane’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I have to tell you some bad stuff about me,” I tell her. The one thing I know for sure is that I can’t hold anything back with Jane from now on.
She gives me a tiny smile as if she knows something I don’t. “Oh, I know about you being undercover. You had to play the part to get into the motorcycle club. Agent Kizner told me all about it.”
“No, Jane,” I say a roughly. “It wasn’t a part. It wasn’t an act. I did despicable things of my own free will.”
“I’m sure—” she starts to say, but I just can’t have her taking my goodness at face value. For her to accept I’m good, she has to understand the depths from which I’ve climbed back up.
“The first bad thing I did,” I tell her without any preamble, “was sell heroin to a pregnant woman. No clue how many months, but she was huge. Probably close to giving birth.”
Jane’s eyes go round, and she blinks at me in astonishment.
“But that wasn’t enough to develop the type of trust I needed to get into the club,” I continue before she can stop me. “That night I woke up beside you… bad dream and all, it was about this man I beat nearly to death. In fact, I might have killed him. I’m not sure. But I did it while his wife and little boy watched.”
Jane makes a small sound of distress. I hold onto her tighter, so she won’t run away until I can make sure she understands I had absolutely no boundaries I wouldn’t cross to get my job done. My voice cracks when I tell her the most brutal truth of all. “Jane… I would have done anything that I was told to do by that club. Think of the vilest thing you can imagine, and I’m telling you, baby… I did it. I did it all.”
Jane doesn’t respond for a moment, still staring at me with owl-like eyes and just blinking. I look at her, trying to read into her expression, wondering if she’s so disgusted she literally can’t say anything.
Then she surprises me when she puts her palms to my cheeks and says, “You did a job to save people. I don’t need to know the details, but if you want to unburden yourself, I’ll gladly take them. But all I really need to know, Kyle, is that you did something for the greater good. You did something that you believed in with such passion that you gave up your entire life to see it through. Now, you may be mired in guilt and maybe you’re feeling the need for penance or something, but you’re not going to get that from me. Just like you said you know who I am… well, I know who you are too. You are a good man. You’re the best kind of man, really.”
My body reacts so quickly that I’m not even sure what I’m really doing. Before I know it, I’ve snatched Jane to me and I’m wrapping my arms tightly around her as relief courses through me. Relief that she doesn’t despise me for my transgressions.
“Kyle,” Jane says softly, and I pull my face back so I can look at her. “I’ve talked to Joe a lot since that night you left. He told me stuff about your undercover operation. Why you volunteered, the risks you took, and how your life was in danger every single day.”
I shrug because none of that will ever assuage the guilt I have for the things I did.
“He told me about Maggie,” Jane says softly, and the air in my lungs freezes. “You saved her.”
I bow my head and close my eyes, thankful for that one bright shining spot in everything. I had indeed saved her. After over three years of doing despicable things to maintain my cover, I risked it all to get one single female out of the clutches of that club, knowing it could mean my death.
“You saved her,” Jane repeats.
“Saving one doesn’t absolve—”
“You saved hundreds,” Jane interrupts me. “Hundreds of women from being sold into slavery. Hundreds of men, women, and children who won’t die by illegal guns. Hundreds of lives saved by taking a drug supply line out of commission. You did one of the bravest acts you could for your fellow citizens. Laid your own life on the line. Gave up all your dreams to make better lives for others. I don’t believe there’s a tit-for-tat type of system out there. No, ‘I did this one bad thing so I need to at least save this many lives.’ It doesn’t work like that.”
“Then how does it work?” I ask, my voice clogging with emotion.
“It works when you realize that once you forgive yourself, you can start to move on with the rest of your life,” she whispers before stepping into me and laying her cheek on my chest. I know she can hear the thundering of my heart, yet I can’t will it to calm down.
“You always find the good in people,” I murmur as I wrap my arms around her, lifting her from the floor.