It’s how I feel right now.
All I can do is tell Jane the things I’d been keeping from her, and then it’s out of my hands. She’ll either tell me to go to hell, which would be the ultimate death for me and a far worse fate than Zeke could ever bestow, or she’ll forgive me, which will at least keep that spark of hope alive that Andrea planted in me three days ago.
Luckily, that spark hasn’t diminished in the three days it’s taken me to get to her. With promises to Andrea that I would come back soon, I left the day after our talk and headed to Misty Harbor via plane. I had two layovers. The last leg was on a small prop plane, but it was the quickest way there.
I was completely stunned to find her little house empty and abandoned with a “For Rent” sign placed at the end of the driveway. My immediate fear was that something bad had happened to Jane. Without another thought, I jumped into the rental car and drove the three hundred yards to her parents’ house on Front Street because it was faster than running. I know I scared the shit out of Meredith and Allen when I banged furiously on their door, but I was immediately settled and relieved when Meredith smiled big at me the minute she saw me.
“I knew you’d come back for her,” she said, beaming at me proudly as she opened the door wide and invited me in. She clearly had known something I had not.
I went in gladly and was prepared to do whatever sucking up I had to do with her parents so that I could find out where she was. Turns out, I didn’t have to do much. I only had to tell them the truth of who I was, what I’d done, and what I wanted with their daughter. They accepted my intentions at face value, and, for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom, they put their trust in me that I could make Jane happy.
I received their blessing along with Jane’s new home and work address in Boston. It was too late by this time to make the trip, and they kindly invited me to stay in their guest room. While I very much like her parents and felt comfortable enough with them, that was just a little too awkward for my liking. I declined, instead choosing to get a room at the one and only motel in the area, The Misty Slumber Inn.
I took off before the sun was up the next morning and was parking my rental car a few blocks away from the coffee house where her parents said she worked by ten-thirty. I didn’t approach her though, as I knew we’d need privacy to talk. So I just waited it out, watched her walk home from work, and made my move.
She stands before me, looking as confused as I am terrified, and more beautiful than I could have ever remembered. Doesn’t matter she’s wearing some funky-looking leggings that are electric blue with big, yellow saxophones over them or a threadbare New England Patriots t-shirt. She is simply the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever known, and there is no other for me. There was a time I didn’t believe I deserved her, but I’m tired of that way of thinking. Tired of living my life without happiness, hope, and ambition for my future.
“Will you give me some time?” I ask her softly. “Just to talk.”
My heart skips a mad beat when I see her actually stiffen up at my suggestion, but then, just as quickly, she lets out a long breath. I’m not surprised when she looks to Miranda. I can see the questions written all over her face as she silently communicates with her best friend.
Should I listen?
Will he hurt me?
Is this even real?
Why should I trust him?
Miranda gives her an encouraging smile before she says, “Listen… I’m going to head into work a bit early and grab a bite to eat there. Let you two have some privacy.”
Jane and I both watch in silent acceptance as Miranda grabs her coat from a hook by the door and scampers out, leaving us very much alone and facing off from opposite corners.
With an awkward gesture toward the couch, Jane says, “Do you want to sit down?”
It’s a legitimate offer considering this will be a very serious discussion that could take a while, but I don’t think I can even wait the few seconds it would take us both to get situated. So instead, I walk right up to her, putting my hands on her shoulders and tipping my face down to hers, so she’s looking me dead in the eye. “I am so sorry for deceiving you, leading you on, and taking advantage of you. I should have told you the truth from the very beginning.”
To my surprise, Jane shakes her head. “No, Miranda’s right. You had to keep those secrets. You were in hiding and didn’t know me well enough to trust me with that.”