"No." Her fingers uncurled and she wrapped them around my forearm, yanking until I met her gaze again. Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head. "Robbie, don't fucking tell me that. Do not tell me that right now."
"It's the truth," I said, forcing the rest of the story through numb lips. "I knew if I told her to go and the reasons why she had to do it, she'd make an excuse not to. The week before, I’d seen a pamphlet for state college on her dresser. I knew she was thinking about changing her mind and commuting. Giving up on the school of her dreams. I couldn't let her do it."
"This is the worst thing I've ever heard," Ash murmured, leaning forward to lay her head in her hands. "All this time? All this time, you let her think your whole relationship was a lie and that you never loved her, and for what? Because you thought she'd be happier if she went away to school?" She lifted her head, the despair plain on her face. "Did you ever stop to think maybe it wouldn’t be selflessness that made her stay? Maybe she would’ve wanted to stay because that’s what made her happiest. Who were you to decide that for the both of you? You think she's so smart...why not let her make up her own mind? Or even better, put your heads together and work out a solution that didn’t involve tearing both of your hearts out and stomping on them."
The words landed like stones, each leaving a bruise behind that throbbed with the truth. "I-I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was saving her from herself."
"You have to tell her." Her clipped tone brooked no argument, but I cut her off before she could say more.
"No, I don't. And neither do you, Ash. Look at your reaction, and it wasn't even you this happened to. Can you imagine what this would do to her? No," I said, shaking my head. "At least now she doesn't hate my guts. I know we'll never be together again, maybe she can get some closure like she wanted. Re-opening these wounds wouldn’t be fair."
"What's not fair is hiding this from her," Ash said, swiping sand off her legs as she stood. "And if you think those wounds ever healed, you’re dead wrong. You’re both grown up now. She’s already made it through four years of school, and can go to dozens of amazing grad schools. You’re both old enough to take planes and trains and work out a plan to make this work if you want it bad enough.”
She stared at me for a long moment before looking away with a sigh.
“This isn't my story to tell, so I’m not going to rat you out. But damn it, if you did love her...if you do love her, she needs to know it. Whatever the fallout, Robbie. "
She started to walk away and then stopped in her tracks, turning to shoot me a sad little smile. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't cheat. As sad as this love story ended, you guys were my go-to happy couple. Whenever I had a boyfriend, I measured our relationship against yours. I wanted to be as happy as Robbie and Melissa. It gives me a little more faith in humanity to know I wasn't wrong." She rolled her eyes, and held up a hand. "Don't get me wrong, it was still a royal fuckup. But I know your heart was in the right place."
She made her way back toward the hotel and then disappeared through the doors.
I sat there, motionless, for I don’t know how long, just letting myself feel. I’d won the biggest bout of my career, and was on my way to boxing’s big time, and all I felt was a throbbing, aching despair. Because it was nothing without Melissa.
Did she feel the same way? Had my deceit tainted her joy over her achievements? Had my effort to ensure she could fulfill her dreams only succeed in making those dreams seem hollow?
Did she feel like half her heart had been missing since that night four years ago?
Thoughts of the night before came tumbling in, one after another. Her whistle of glee, piercing through the air during my fight. Her taste, her touch, the way our legs felt tangled together.
If there was even a one percent chance we could have that again, I had to try.
And Melissa would either forgive me…or she would hate my guts for all eternity when she found out what I’d done.
Nine
Melissa
Would it ever stop hurting? I knew from experience, it might, at points. A year from now, when I was immersed in something new that captured my imagination in a classroom, or on a run with Ash when we talked about the world and how small and insignificant we were inside of it, I'd realize I hadn't thought about Robbie in at least an hour. Then, maybe it would stretch to two or three. And the pain would go from a searing agony to a dull ache that lingered.
But in this moment, I couldn't fathom that. And I could only blame myself.