“I don’t want you to think it’s a big deal, or that I hold a grudge, because I don’t. But I know what happened with Chad the night of Layla’s engagement party. I’m not mad about it, because we weren’t together then, but when you latched on to Christopher, I wasn’t sure if that had anything to do with it.”
Humiliation washes over me and I bury my head. Is this how alcoholics feel after a weeklong bender? Ashamed of their actions, as they go around with their tail between their legs, apologizing to everyone they know? Because, honestly, it sucks. I can see why they choose to keep on drinking if they have to do this over and over again.
But I’ve committed to this path of changing my self-destructive behavior, and from the books I’ve read, it seems this is what I need to do in order to take personal responsibility. So I suck it up, gather my reserves, and deal. “I’m sorry. You must think I’m a terrible friend, my only excuse is I had no idea you were interested in him. Whenever anyone talked about him, you never hinted. If I’d known, I’d never would have done that. I hope you believe me.”
It’s the truth. I may not have always been the best person in the world, but my girlfriends are important to me. I’d never sink so low as to go after a guy my friend liked first.
“I do.” Her tone is soft and understanding. “I still remember when you kicked Dean Ferguson in the balls because he tried to kiss you when he was going out with Sarah. I know you didn’t know I had feelings for him because I never said anything. I also know you never really wanted Chad; you just wanted to be distracted by him. I get it. I’ve been there. I guess I felt protective of Christopher. My only excuse is being a big sister is new to me. But you’re still my friend and I shouldn’t have said that.”
To my surprise, a weight is lifted off my chest, the tightness eases, and I feel better. Cleansed and absolved somehow. Suddenly this personal responsibility stuff makes a lot more sense. “I forgive you if you forgive me.”
“Deal.” She chuckles. “So do you want to talk about it? Tell me what’s going on?”
I do, but I narrow my eyes. “Are you going to tell him anything?”
“I did tell him I’d talk to you, but made it clear I wouldn’t reveal any confidences, and I won’t.”
I look out over the water, dark and mysterious now, beckoning me. I’ve always wanted to walk along the ocean at night. Although in my fantasies I was always with a guy, holding his hand, the waves lapping at our toes. “You were right, Christopher looked like a good distraction from Trevor. But after an hour, it didn’t seem like that. Being with him was the first time I forgot about that mess. The first time I kissed someone without thinking that Trevor is probably kissing his dancer at the same time. And then after, in the morning, I was so humiliated with my behavior I took the walk of shame and came up with my plan to change my life.”
Ruby laughs. “Life overhauls always happen that way, don’t they?”
“Yes.” And then I proceed to tell her my plan, my vows of swearing off men. Everything.
When I’m finally done, she’s silent for a good minute before she asks in a soft voice, “You really like him, don’t you?”
My shoulders slump. “Yeah, I do. But I have to stick to my plan, and we have no future, so what does it matter?”
“Why do you think you have no future?”
I scoff. “You know why. He’s young. He’s in school.”
“He’s a resident, that’s hardly the same thing.”
“He needs to go find himself a nice girl.” I hate that mythical girl already.
“Maybe he already has.”
I wish. But I smile, happy my friend is back on my side. “Thanks. I’m glad we talked.”
“Me too. And have fun, okay? You’re on vacation.”
“I will. I promise.” We hang up.
Bright and early, first thing, I will set my life right.
Christopher’s presence, while unfortunate, will not stop me.
Five
Ashley
I’m sitting on my yoga mat, staring out into the ocean, the tropical breeze lovely on my skin. The sun is warm, breaking out over the horizon. Yes, I’d dragged myself out of bed for a yoga class at dawn because what better way to start a new chapter of my life?
My hair is in a ponytail, and we’re waiting for the instructor. I arrived early, wanting an unobstructed view of the water, and there are only two other women here so far. The mats were set up on an open veranda overlooking the ocean, the instructor mat is in the front, allowing the students to have the best, most scenic view.
It’s beautiful and I feel peaceful. My chat with Ruby did me good, and I’d actually slept well. A flush spreads out over my cheeks. After I’d spent hours reliving my night with Christopher.
I hadn’t let myself come though, wanting to stick to my plans, so I’d fallen asleep hot and achy and wet, but I’d still slept like heaven. And, for that, I was thankful.
Now I could focus on peace. My transformation.
I put my hands face up on my knees and touch my finger and thumb together like I’ve seen people do. My eyes drift closed and I take it all in.
The silence. The tranquility, the break of the waves in the distance.