If his world had been spun off its axis like mine had, that statement would make perfect sense.
“It’s nothing personal. My actions made me realize I needed to make some changes.” I bite the inside of my cheek and decide to be honest, although I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s different. Or maybe it’s because there’s something steadfast about Christopher that invites the truth. I say softly, “I’m tired of being that girl.”
He sits forward, and legs spread, laces his fingers between his splayed knees. “What girl?”
I meet his gaze. “Like you don’t know.”
“I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”
I raise a brow. “Chad and Ruby didn’t warn you off me?”
His expression flashes before he shrugs. “They did.”
At least he’s honest.
It hurts. Chad I understand, because I did proposition him for sex and all that embarrassing stuff, but Ruby stings. She may not be in the inner circle with my two closest friends, but she’s still a friend. I’ve still known her since college, still hung out with her. She’s supposed to at least like me. I look out at the waves crashing over the shore. “So then you do know.”
He’s silent for a while before he says, “They told me you were on the rebound from some guy clearly not good enough for you. That you were looking for a replacement. Is that about right?”
It feels so much more complicated in my mind, but when he breaks it down like that it twists my stomach and leaves behind a vaguely nauseous sensation. “I suppose that sums it up.”
“So did you use me for the night? Sleep in my bed while picturing some other guy?”
No! I want to scream the word. Okay, it did start that way. I’d wanted to use Christopher to fill the void Trevor left behind but that’s not the way it ended.
Within fifteen minutes of meeting him I’d been getting lost in his eyes, the feel of his hand on my back, and by the time his mouth was on mine he’d been the only thought in my head. Tucked into that corner at the party, everything else had disappeared. And for the first time in forever, I forgot about Trevor, forgot about my humiliation, forgot about my sadness.
For the first time I’d met someone that wasn’t a substitution.
This is what I want to say. What I have the urge to confess, to make him understand. But then I look at his face, his cute, boyish face that hides a devil in bed.
He’s the perfect guy. He’s smart, good-looking, interesting and nice. He listens when you talk, is attentive and thoughtful, and he’s going to be a surgeon.
Some nice girl is going to snatch him up in a heartbeat and he deserves that. She’ll be all sweet, probably a kindergarten teacher that will quit her career to be the perfect doctor’s wife. They’ll have a big house in the burbs, perfect little children and a dog.
I want that for him. He deserves that.
It can be my first selfless act on my path to enlightenment. I shrug. I can’t manage to spit out the lie, but I do manage a weak, “I’m sorry.”
He studies me for a long, long time with a narrowed gaze and a hard set to his strong jaw. A jaw I’d scraped my teeth over, before begging him to take me harder, not forty-eight hours ago. He’d denied me that time, instead slowing his pace until his cock moving inside me felt almost dreamlike.
At the memory, my nipples pull instantly tight and between my legs a slow heat builds. I shift in my chair to quell the ache, all the while never looking away.
After what feels like an eternity, he nods. “All right then.” He stands. “Enjoy your vacation.”
He turns and walks away.
I swallow the sudden tears that rise in my throat.
I will not cry.
It’s over. That’s fine, because all Christopher was meant to be was a fun distraction to fill up my lonely night. In the end, I’m doing the right thing by letting him go.
That’s why I came here, to change.
I can’t melt into a pool of liquid heat and go to dinner with him. I can’t break the vows I’d made to myself. Especially for him, a younger guy with whom I have no future, no matter how he makes me feel. Besides, he probably just wants another night of crazy sex.
This has to be a test. There’s no other option.
I’d done the right thing.
Tomorrow will be better.
My eyes well.
I will not cry. I’m done crying over guys.
I’m strong. I can do this. I have to learn to be alone.
Four
Christopher
This fucking sucks.
Maybe it’s my ego, but something is off here. Ashley wasn’t telling me the truth about that night. I don’t care what she says, she hadn’t been thinking of anyone else when we’d been together. Not the way she’d stared up at me with needy, liquid-blue eyes. I’ve pictured other girls while someone else was under me, and that’s not what it looked like. What it felt like.
How had she transformed from being all over me the night of the engagement party to not even wanting to have dinner with me?
We had a connection. It wasn’t in my imagination.