I lower myself onto the swing on the porch and drop my head in my hands. I’m trying hard not to feel the weight of seeing my mother on a downward spiral. I wish I could help her.
Just a few hours until Dad comes home. Or not. He has gone back to his old habits like he did in Ohio; spending most of his time at the office. I’m not naive so I don’t believe he spends his nights there. Personally, I prefer if he doesn’t come home at all. At least this way, I don’t have to worry about his temper or what he might do when he’s angry.
After dinner, Elon and Elise clean up while I sit with my mother, urging her to eat. After a few spoonfuls from her plate, she pushes it away.
“Go, baby,” she says. “You don’t need to take care of me.”
I really do. I nod and stand up, then kiss her forehead. “I’ll be back later. Want to play a bit on the piano with me? We could let Elon and Elise jump around on the sofas,” I say softly, smiling, hoping my words will spark something inside her. Spark the kind of light I haven’t seen in a while.
She nods, smiling. I leave the room and, for the millionth time, wish my mother had pursued her career and never met my father. But where would my sisters and I be if that would have happened?
When I get to my room, I grab a handful of lemon drops from the table and lie down on my bed to listen to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody on the gramophone, while waiting on my usual star-gazing hour. At exactly ten o’clock, I snatch my pillow from my bed and head for window, like I’ve been doing since we moved here, and settle on the roof, glad to have a place where I can watch the stars like I did in Ohio. My thoughts and problems vanish, replaced by the beauty of the star-filled dark sky.
This.
This is everything. Just me and the quiet night with the occasional honk of a car horn in the distance. Just me and the stars. When I close my eyes, I see the galaxy behind my eyelids; bursts of purple and blue. So mesmerizing. Stunning.
“Why are you in such a hurry, bro?” Josh signs when he meets me in the hallway.
“I am just going out for a walk,” I reply, the image of Nor still fresh in my head. The minute I saw her crawl out of her window, I felt this crazy urge to join her.
Josh glances at his watch, then looks up at me, a knowing grin splitting his face. “Yeah, right.”
“What?” I ask, feeling irritated but at the same time, wanting to wipe that stupid grin off his face.
“She is on the roof. Just admit it, Cole. You can’t resist the pull.” He slaps me on my shoulder without warning, causing me to stumble forward. Apart from our similar heights, Josh has more bulk, which is a product of his training regimen. My body is made up of lean muscle that I have built up through the past few years, working construction in my dad’s company on weekends and school holidays. That and the occasional run.
I rub the nape of my neck and clench my jaw, feeling awkward. Should I admit that I feel differently toward Nor? That something about her just calls to me?
I scratch my head and turn to face him. The teasing look is gone from my brother’s face, replaced by a contemplative look.
He tucks his hands inside the pockets of his shorts. “It’s okay, you know. You don’t need to hold back. I’ve seen you sneak looks at the Blake’s House. I’ve also seen the look on your face whenever you see her.”
I won’t ask him what he means. “I thought you were interested in her. I’ve seen you flirting with her.”
He shakes his head. “It’s harmless. She asked me if I could teach her how to sign, which kind of knocked my ego down a few notches. Look, I know chicks haven’t been too good to you. If you feel something for her, no matter how small, just follow your instincts. Porn will only go so far.” He smirks at me.
“Jack ass.” I blow out a breath. “I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “What is the worst thing that can happen?”
“Scare her by blurting out some random shit.” I run a hand down my face. Jesus. That would be the end of me.
He claps me on my shoulder. “When you feel like some random shit is about to leave your mouth, just stop talking and sign. Easy,” he jokes. “Oh hey. About those scars on her. . .she might be going through stuff and maybe she still cuts. Doesn’t that scare you?”
I scowl at him. “What are you, the Devil’s advocate? Didn’t you just tell me to go for it?”
“Yes,” he admits without shame. “I like her. But I love you, bro.”
I glance at the watch on my wrist and then look at the stairs. “No. Okay? I saw the scars, but I also saw beyond that. I saw pain and loneliness. She intrigues me.”
He finally steps aside, letting me pass. “Then don’t worry about making a fool of yourself.”
“Thanks, bro.” I grab him in our usual one-arm hug and spin around, but he grips my arm, stopping me.