Eye Candy

“Jesus.” The guy pokes at the side of his mask, pushing it into his cheek. “What’s wrong with you? I bet I’ll have a black eye tomorrow. My mom’s gonna be pissed.”

“It’s that fuckin’ baby back there, all right? It got me all freaked,” I try to explain. “What the fuck is that? Kids are coming through here. Are you seriously trying to fuck ’em up for life?”

Tessa covers her mouth and giggles.

I glare at her. “You were scared too. Rushing me along. It’s your fault I hit him.”

“Oh, please.” She rolls her eyes. “You were ready to deck that giant man-baby. That had nothing to do with me, Luke, so don’t even.”

“He was grinning at me. Like he wanted me to tuck him in or some shit and sing him a fuckin’ lullaby. You saw him.”

Bastard probably has people buried in his backyard too. I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.

“Oh yeah. Chester likes to do that,” the clown shares, drawing my attention. “Really freaks people out.”

“Chester? As in Chester the molester?” I take a step closer and hook my thumb behind me in the general direction of freakville. “That fuck better not be a registered sex offender. I don’t give a damn if it’s Halloween or not. I will haul his ass out of here and shut this shit down. Where’s Weber? Is he here?”

I’m sure that old man keeps files of everyone he hires for shit like this. Just saying I’m a cop can get me all the access I need.

You’re going down, motherfucker.

“Luke, relax,” Tessa chuckles, grabbing my arm. “He’s just playing a part. I’m sure he’s not some creepy perv.”

I gape at her. “Are you? ’Cause I’m bettin’ he’s on a watch list. You saw him.”

And with a name like that? There’s no doubt in my mind now.

The government has all eyes on that fucker.

“Dude, you need to chill.” The clown crosses his arms over his chest and stands tall. “That’s not his real name, bro. He just goes by that when he’s here. It’s part of the act. His real name isn’t pervy at all. It’s Dave.” He cocks his head. “Does that sound pervy to you, my man?”

My man?

“Dude. Bro. There’s something wrong with him,” I grunt. “I don’t give a fuck if it’s part of the act. Who the fuck smiles like that? It’s weird.”

Giant baby freak. The second he stood up, I should’ve leveled his ass. Why the fuck did I hesitate?

“Didn’t you see the signs? Be ready for anything.” The clown shrugs. “We mean anything, brah. Just wait. You thought the baby was bad . . .”

Brah?

Is this kid serious?

I shake my head, advising, “Okay. Quit with the nicknames already. We aren’t friends. Even if we were? You sound like a fuckin’ douchebag. Just talk normal.”

Tessa snickers.

“Free country, guy.”

I close my eyes and breathe deep, searching for calm. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Hitting him again will bring you nothing but trouble. Then looking to Tessa, I suggest, “Can we just go? I’ve seen enough, and two more seconds of this conversation and I’m gonna get arrested. No joke.”

My wife, who seems to be enjoying the hell out of herself right now, and in no way looks scared anymore, tilts her head with a smile.

The clown laughs, causing the muscles in my shoulders to tense up. “Come on, amigo, don’t be weak,” he says. “Weber’s is for kids. It’s sad if you can’t handle it.”

I glare at the piece of shit and step closer until I’m up in his space, adrenaline coursing through me now. “You want to say that to me again?” I ask.

Fuck this prick. Don’t be weak? I will gladly spend a night in jail if it means shutting him the fuck up. I’m not even sorry I hit him anymore.

Before the guy has the chance to repeat himself, Tessa quickly wraps her hands around my neck and kisses my cheek. “Come on. It can’t get that much worse,” she whispers. “Let’s keep going.”

I look at her. “You sure? You were pretty fuckin’ scared.”

“I’m sure. You’ll protect me.”

“You know, it’s typically the guys making their girls push through this,” the clown shares. “Funny how this is the other way around.”

I slowly turn my head.

The clown jerks back like he’s afraid I’m going to hit him. Then, thinking wisely for the first time in his life, I’m betting, he backs away from me, his hands raised defensively as he pleads, “Cool. Stay cool, bro,” before spinning around and running off. He turns a corner, but his voice carries in the wind.

“Be ready for anything, sport! And don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

“Jesus Christ,” I grumble, looking to the sky. “That kid is gonna get decked a lot in his life. Nobody should use that many fuckin’ nicknames. It’s not normal.”

“I can’t believe you punched him. You’re such a dick.” Tessa smiles up at me when I meet her eyes. “Aw.” She touches the furrow in my brow, pressing closer, and wraps her arms around my neck. “I love you so much right now, babe. It’s crazy.”

“’Cause I punched him, or ’cause I’m hatin’ every second of this?” I ask her.

“Both.” She smiles again when I shake my head. “Really though, I know you didn’t want to come to here. I know you. You think these things are stupid . . .”

“You ask, babe. Whatever it is, I’m there. You know that.”

“I know.” She tilts her head up, inviting me for a kiss I take zero seconds to fucking get in on. “Thank you for bringing me.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Now let’s hurry up and get through this because I am seriously freaked out.”

I lean back to glare at her. “I fuckin’ knew it. You don’t want to be here either, do you?”

She shrugs, smiling as she slips her arms off my shoulders. “It does seem a little too real, right?”

“You think?”

“It can’t get that much worse though. Weber would be paying for everyone’s therapy and lose the farm. It isn’t like they made us sign any waivers when we bought our tickets. They’re liable for any psychological damage.”

I rub at my mouth, thinking on this.

Tessa has a point.

That clown could’ve been bluffing. The little prick would do something like that just to mess with me.

Paybacks are a bitch.

Doesn’t explain the freaked-out kid, though . . .

Christ. Whatever. Pushing that memory out of my head, I grab Tessa’s hand and lead her down the path. “Let’s just get this shit over with. I need a drink.”

“Me too.”

We move deeper into the woods. Around the next curve, we see three witches hanging from a tree. There’s a mob standing there watching, pitchforks and torches raised, while they chant out “Cursed!” and “Begone, devil worshippers!” The fog grows thicker at our feet and rises to waist level.

We keep going, Tessa staying pressed against my side until she sees a graveyard and tombstones up ahead.

“Ooh. Let’s go read what’s on them,” she suggests, pulling away from me to step off the path.

“Go for it.”

I stuff my hands in my pockets and stay where I am.

When I hear a branch break, my head whips around and my muscles tighten. Eyes narrowed at the tree line, I stare into the darkness and watch for movement.