It was quiet for a long time before someone said, “Eighteen.”
Grief swirled through me and for a moment I thought I would be sick. I hated that he was an adult. I hated that he hadn’t been smart enough to get out of trouble on his own. But I hated more that I felt relief that he was off the streets.
And then I felt intense regret.
He had terrified me before Christmas break. And I had never gone to Mr. Kellar with what happened. I had been too afraid that Kellar would expel him.
It had been stupid of me. Dangerous even. But I wanted to give Andre a chance to finish school. I wanted to help him.
But I hadn’t. I hadn’t helped anything. I’d let him continue his wayward journey and now he’d gotten himself arrested.
My gaze tracked to Jay Allen, who sat with his head down, stabbing his notebook with a short pencil. He didn’t look up at me. It was like he knew what I was thinking.
Only I doubted Jay felt the same sense of loss.
It took me several minutes to pull myself together enough to teach. I struggled and stumbled until I found my rhythm. The class never fully engaged with me. They all felt the loss of one of their peers.
Unfortunately, it happened too often in this school. They weren’t always arrested. Sometimes they just dropped out.
Sometimes they were killed.
A chill slithered down my spine as I remembered how smart Andre could be… how far he could have gone.
When the bell finally rang, I knew I could have done so much better. Those were not my finest moments as a teacher.
I slumped back in my desk chair and tried to pull myself together for the rest of the day. The next hour was my plan period, so I had a little time, but it still felt like an impossible feat.
Long fingers tapped at the edge of my desk and I lifted my gaze to find Jay standing there with a determined expression on his face.
“Can I help you, Jay?”
“I know you never said anything to Kellar.”
His accusation felt strange like he wanted to call me out on it, but there was something more. I lifted my eyebrow, daring him to say whatever it was that he wanted to say.
“Why?” he finally asked. “Why didn’t you say anything? He threatened you. He threatened me!”
“Are you mad I didn’t turn him in because you felt threatened?”
He rolled his eyes at me and rubbed his hand over his shaved head. “Don’t be stupid.” He cut me a sideways glance that I interpreted as an apology for being rude. “But isn’t it your job to say something?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “I should have said something. He could have threatened another student. He could have brought another weapon to school. He could have truly hurt someone. I should have said something.”
“So why didn’t you?” His deep brown eyes searched mine intently, flickering back and forth, waiting for the truth.
So I gave it to him. “If I had said something, he would have gotten expelled.”
Jay let out a bark of mocking laughter. “So what! He ended up in jail, Carter. That’s way worse than getting expelled.”
I swallowed around the golf ball lodged in my throat. “Yeah, and if he would have gotten expelled? Would that have changed anything?”
Jay snorted, “No, he just would have ended up there sooner.”
“Exactly. I wanted him to avoid jail or prison or the lifestyle that he was so bent on having. I wanted him to have a chance at something better. I want the same thing for you and everyone else that comes into this classroom. I gave Andre a second chance and he squandered it. Nobody is more upset about that than me.”