Was that too dramatic?
Maybe. But I also knew that I had never felt this profoundly alone before.
I left home at eighteen and moved straight into a college dorm that I shared with Fiona for four years. I had spent summers in cheap apartments with friends. The year after graduation, while I planned my wedding, I lived with my parents. And then obviously I moved in with Nick. For better or worse, he’d been my constant roommate for my entire adult life.
I had never lived on my own. I had never really been on my own before.
I knew eventually I would grow used to it. At first it was even kind of fun, maybe a little weird, but mostly fun. I could do whatever I wanted without consulting another person. But it quickly stopped being shiny and new and the loneliness crept up on me. It coated the house that I loved and tainted my activities.
School became my life because when I left there, I knew I would have to go home to an empty house and have no one to tell about my day or share my struggles except Annie. And she rarely shared her opinion.
Sure, there was Kara, but even my best friend felt distanced by my issues. Besides, she had her own life to live. As close as we were, our entire relationship had revolved around my marriage. She always bent her schedule to meet my needs, to hang out when I didn’t have any other plans.
Now I was on the other side of that.
Her life didn’t revolve around me. I could understand that.
It was just hard when my life had revolved around someone else.
Now I felt lost. Adrift in a storm haunted sea.
A sunflower in a sunless sky. A flower that had no light to tilt my face to.
A year ago I had been so excited for Halloween. It really was one of the best holidays. It was all for fun. There were never family obligations to fulfill or gifts to buy or pies to bake. I could just celebrate something without extra stress.
Plus, I had always thought it was a great way to kick off the holiday season.
Until this year.
Halloween fell on a Saturday and I had no plans. Not even one.
Well, unless you counted the invitation from Kara to be a third wheel on her third date with the guy she met at her gym.
No, thanks.
They were headed to some super fun party and I couldn’t even muster enough energy to put shoes on.
I adjusted my cat ear headband and slumped down on the bench in my entryway. A huge bowl of candy sat in my lap and it was taking every ounce of self-control I had left not to tear into the wrapped sugar and flood my house with wrappers.
Apparently I’d jumped from the Divorce Diet to the Divorce-Eat-My-Weight-In-Chocolate Plan.
Which sounded awesome at this point.
The doorbell rang and I jumped, even though I had been expecting it. I moved to the door and pulled it open, ready for the trick-or-treating brigade I knew would be flooding my doorstep.
“Trick or treat,” Nick grinned at me.
I tried to hide my surprise while Annie danced around his feet and licked at his shins. “I’m supposed to give you candy.” I eyed the bags he held in his arms and tried to decide if I should be furious or burst into tears.
He shrugged one shoulder casually, “I wanted to donate to the cause.”
“You don’t have to.”
He took a step inside the house even though I hadn’t invited him. “This used to be my house too. I guess I’m not quite ready to give up our neighbors yet.”
I let out a weary sigh, “It’s still your house. At least until you sign the papers.”
I thought he would snap at me or start a fight. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and smiled. “Are you a mouse?”
“I’m a cat!” I adjusted the stupid headband I’d picked up at the gas station this morning and tried not to grimace.
“Oh.”
“What does that mean? Oh? And what are you? A robber?”
He shook his head and grinned wider. “The Hamburglar. Obviously.”
“The Hamburglar?”
“From McDonald’s. Remember?”