I try to relax and roll onto my back, letting the water carry me through the pool.
Olivia’s letter shocked me, but it also opened my eyes. I did give her time. I did everything in my power to keep him alive for as long as possible. When Jim initially contacted me to tell me that I was no longer suspended, he told me that a new vein in Ben’s brain had started bleeding and ruptured. He was dying and we didn’t even know it. He went into heart failure and cardiac arrest. The fluid in his lungs was not from the feeding tube, but from the heart failure. I felt relief and despair at the same time. Of course, I know now that I didn’t actually kill him, but I hadn’t recognized the fact that he was already dying.
Her words ignite my desire to get back to work. It’s what I should be doing, and now I know it’s something that I have to do. Kai no longer needs me, but many other babies do.
I continue to float. I know my parents won’t answer me, but I need to ask them anyway. “Am I making the right decision?” My voice echoes in the pool house.
My heart tells me that I am.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
I WALK UPSTAIRS AFATER I MAKE SURE everything is ready for tonight. We have eight more songs to record for our album, and we’re hoping to finish at least two or three more. Our goal may be a little out of reach, especially if Tristan can’t stay focused. His ADD always brings the rest of us off the rails.
Kai’s monitor stays silent, and I’m thankful that he’s been sleeping better lately. Over the past two weeks, it’s a rare occasion when Sam or I have to go in during the night. Although she would prefer to sleep in his room, I’ve convinced her to sleep in the guest room across the hall.
I look out at the pool and see Sam slumped over on the pavement. She’s sobbing and holding a piece of paper in her hands. She drops the paper and slides into the pool, disappearing beneath the water. My gut tightens, and I rush toward the door, trying to get a better look at her. Why is she crying?
I see her emerge, and she starts furiously swimming laps. Her legs and arms are tight, and she’s flying through the water like an Olympic swimmer. She looks majestic and scary at the same time. I can feel her intensity from here. I continue to watch her until she exhausts herself. She rolls onto her back and closes her eyes and floats.
I know better than to bother her during her swimming sessions. It’s her private time. Her temporary escape from life. I watch her float to the stairs, and she rights herself. As she exits the pool, she looks calm. I turn away so she doesn’t catch me spying on her private time.
My mind races with our discussion earlier. She decided it’s time to go back to work, and I’m not ready for her to go. We need her.
I need her.
The back door opens and she walks in, her smile back.
“How was your swim?” I ask.
“Enlightening,” she says and slides an envelope into her bag.
“What’s that?” I ask, knowing I’m invading her privacy.
“A letter from Ben’s mom.”
She told me about the mishap with the baby she was caring for in the NICU who eventually died. His death was the reason she was suspended from work. They realized that she didn’t make a mistake and asked her to come back right away. She declined because Kai was so sick then. She’s ignored their requests to come back since, and officially took a leave of absence from work. I’m so thankful she did because she helped Kai and me immensely. I don’t believe he’d be where he is today without her. But I feel so guilty. Sick babies need her, and she hasn’t made a move to leave.
“Wow. That’s unexpected, huh?” I respond, and she nods.
“She thanked me.” Sam’s eyes fill with tears, and now I understand why she was sobbing before.
I pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms tightly around my waist and buries her face in my neck. Tears flow onto my skin and I hug her tighter.