“I guess?” I reply timidly.
“Alright then. Let me go get changed.” She jumps off the couch and says to Peggy, “Can you bring Kai upstairs in a little while? Give me like fifteen minutes. I’ll fix him a bottle and bring it with me.”
Peggy nods her head and addresses me. “Are you ready?”
My body tenses up, and I realize I’ve made a huge mistake.
HIS SCREAMS ARE THE FIRST THING I hear when I reach the landing of the stairs. I don’t want to, but I continue walking toward his nursery. My heart pumps wildly in my chest and my hands are clammy. I can’t do this.
I can run right now. Down the stairs and out the door. Peggy left a few minutes ago, so there’s nobody to stop me. I can be at the airport in less than an hour and fly anywhere I want.
But my mother’s voice rings in my ears. He needs you.
I hesitantly walk toward the high-pitched cries and push the door open slowly. Sam is walking with Kai, holding him tight against her chest. She doesn’t notice me enter at first, and I quietly observe her. How can she stay so calm and focused while Kai is obviously in excruciating pain?
She sees me and gestures that I take a seat in the rocking chair. “I don’t know about this…” I say and begin to back up toward the door.
“He’ll be okay in a minute. I just changed his diaper and he’s a little overstimulated.”
I sit in the chair and it feels uncomfortable. It’s not as plush as I expected it to be, and I make a mental note to buy a new one. Sam sleeps in this chair, and it can’t be comfortable for her.
Her left hand moves in a smooth circular motion as she rubs Kai’s back. His crying has stopped, but she continues to walk slowly around the room. I’m tense waiting for her to bring him to me. I look down at my hands, wondering how I’m going to hold him.
She approaches me and smiles. “You okay?” she asks.
“No.”
“Put your arms out and place your right elbow on the armrest.” I do as she says and she bends down slowly, transferring Kai into my stiff arms. “Try to relax. He’s very sensitive and will react to your rigidness.” I can’t relax and only stiffen my arms more. I’m surprised by the weight of him as my arms sink a little. He feels heavier than he looks. Her hands are no longer on him, and she places them on my shoulders, pressing down gently but firmly. I look up at her, surprised.
“You need to relax. Drop your shoulders and the tension will leave your arms.” She slides her hands from me and sits on the ottoman that she’s pulled close to us.
Kai squirms a little, and I look down at him, making eye contact for the very first time. His eyes are wide open and he’s looking right at me. My heart stops when I see the innocence and light in his eyes. He’s depending on me, and I’m his lifeline right now. I’m overcome with… I don’t know what. This isn’t a moment I ever envisioned happening. I’m holding a child. My son. This is so surreal, and I’m afraid I’m doing everything wrong. Sam places a hand on Kai’s head, stroking gently. “He sees you,” she says softly.
I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks so content. Relaxed. I focus on taking deep, even breaths. I don’t want to jostle him, causing him to cry or become uncomfortable. Sam’s presence is soothing and I begin to relax. How does she have this power over Kai? Over me?
“Hey, buddy,” I say quietly. He blinks and purses his lips, like he’s about to blow a tiny little bubble.
“He’s hungry,” Sam says, and she places a warm bottle into my hand.
I look up at Sam and her eyes soften. “Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it.”
She places her soft hand over mine and helps guide the bottle toward Kai’s mouth. The tip touches his lips, and he opens his mouth so he can eat. His eyes close immediately and he begins sucking on the bottle like his life depends on it.