My mother walks up and places a hand on the side of my face, something she hasn't been able to do in over a year. Before she says anything, she nods over to the place I knelt, indicating the moment that passed and the things I said.
"I'd recognize a woman's touch anywhere, son. So, who is she?"
Chapter Forty-Eight
Julia
"I'M SO PROUD OF YOU," Lex says. "You're declaring your terms, no holds barred."
"Yeah," I say, as I clear out empty bottles from the bar. I haven't stopped moving all day long. "I guess I am."
It's not the first time she's said this, but it's like she knows I need the reminder. It's hard to feel good about what I did when this sadness hangs over me.
Last night was the first I spent without Giles in a while. But I couldn't sleep. I kept expecting him to call me to find out where I was, or to try to talk things out. But he didn't. And when I left for work today, I left with my heart sinking like a boulder.
Maybe he felt pushed into a corner because I demanded answers right in the moment. But you know what? If he hasn't figured out what he wants by now, he doesn't get to enjoy me in his bed. It's not fair for me. I know what I want.
Standing in front of him and practically begging him to tell me that we're a real couple just left me feeling needy and pathetic. I shouldn't have to beg him to realize I want things completely and absolutely clear. I don't want to be one of those girls caught between something real and nothing at all.
It doesn't matter how good Giles and I are together; we will never be good enough while one of us isn't ready.
"You look like you're regretting your decision," Lex says.
I get to my feet and grab a nearby towel to wipe my hands. "I could've held off on confronting him on it for another day, I just got so upset after overhearing his conversation with Ava."
"Why would another day be better?"
"Giles was supposed to meet with his mom this morning. So a part of me feels guilty that I added more to his plate last night."
"They went to visit his father's grave?" Lex asks.
I freeze, staring at her. "What did you just say?"
"I'm just assuming, since you said a while back the anniversary of his father's death was coming up."
"Fuck," I say, under my breath. My stomach sinks and sinks until I have to hold onto the edge of the counter to keep from sinking with it. How the hell did I not put that together myself?
"Are you okay?"
"I think you're right. I think today's the day. And I fought with him last night and left him to face it alone, after promising I'd be there for him. Fuck." I shut my eyes.
Even if we aren't a couple, even if he doesn't want that with me, it doesn't change the fact that I care about him. It doesn't change the fact that we are friends, real friends. You can take everything else away from us, but you couldn't take that away. Giles is my best friend and I'm not there for him when he needs me most.
Lex's voice is cautious. "It's not too late," she says. "You could call him."
I scratch my nose and glance away. "I doubt he'd want to talk to me right now."
"I have a feeling he does."
"What makes you say that?" I ask, looking up at her.
"Just go. Go home, go talk to him."
"Oh God." I cover my face with my hands, suddenly mortified by how selfish I was last night. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, I would've put the pieces together and realized what it meant that he was meeting his mother and why he was dreading it so much. "How do I even look him in the eye today?"
Lex gives my shoulder a light squeeze. "You'll be fine. Go. I'll cover for you."
I take a breath then hand her my apron. "God, Lex. Thank you so much..."
"Don't thank me just yet," she says, uneasy.
Back home, I close the front door behind me but it's not until I'm greeted by the empty living room that my nerves rip through my stomach. Giles's car isn't in the driveway. My phone is in my hand, ready to dial his number. But what do I say?
Lost in thought, I head to my room, my footsteps slowing as I rehearse lines in my head.
I didn't know. I'm sorry.
A door closes, but on the other side of the hall from Giles's room. Ava appears at the hall entrance, looking both surprised and relieved to see me.
"Oh good, I thought you forgot," she says. She's fully dressed, hair and makeup done, ready to go out somewhere.
"Forgot?" My stomach sinks again. If Ava's talking about what I think she's talking about, why is there the hint of a smile in her eyes?
"The game, you're still coming, right?"
"Game?"
"The Padres game, at eight."
"Tonight?" I ask, trying not to let judgment creep into my tone. It's the anniversary of her uncle's suicide and she's going to a baseball game?
"Yes, tonight."
"Where's Giles?" I ask, distracted.
"He's been gone all day," she says, looking down.
Of course. He's probably still with his mother. I stick my phone back into my pocket, deciding I shouldn't interrupt him. As badly as I want to make things right, the impulse to do it right now serves only to soothe my own discomfort and guilt.
"Are you coming?" she asks again. "We need to get there a little early or parking will be a bitch."
I shut my eyes, running a hand over them. People mourn differently. I get that. But I, for one, am not in the mood for a game tonight.
Ava notices my reaction because her tone grows desperate, "Please don't bail. Everyone else bailed. Please. I took the night off and I got tickets, but I can't sit in a stadium by myself. I need to get out of this house or I'm going to go crazy."
She's serious. There's a plea in her eyes. It whispers something to me in the silence, words without a voice, stirring an instinct that's nagging at me to go with her. I may not be in the mood for company, but Ava's in need of it. And if I can't be there for Giles tonight, the least I can do is be there for Ava.
"Yeah. Okay, " I say, my voice sounding as far away as I feel. "I'll go."
Ava drives us there with the windows down, and the sounds of the road around us drown out my thoughts the whole way. Petco stadium is just under thirty minutes away, but the drive feels much longer when neither of us speaks a word. The silence isn't awkward, exactly, but there's uneasiness to it, as if we are both afraid to say the wrong thing. But also, tonight is the first time Ava and I are spending any real time alone together in the months we've been roommates.
We find parking in the giant lot and file into the stadium among a growing group of people pouring in. I get what Ava meant about not wanting to sit in the stands alone. There's nothing lonelier than being surrounded by strangers.
Ava pulls me into one of the vendor lines, and we both stock up on food, though I don't have much of an appetite.
Walking out onto our seating section takes me by surprise. It's my first time at this stadium and I was not expecting the picturesque view. Ahead, past the outfield and beyond the beaming overhead lights, the diamond shaped structure opens up into the night, framing the cityscape.