Chapter Forty-Six
Giles
THE NEXT MORNING, THERE'S NOT a single thought in my head as I fuck Julia against the door of my bathroom. Our bodies are still wet from the shower. We were clean for just long enough to start getting dirty again. I just can't help myself around her.
Her face pressed against the door, I enjoy the slight rumbling sounds it makes with each of my thrusts. She keeps her lips shut tight, but sounds still manage to escape. It turns me on so much to see how little control she has over herself when I'm inside of her.
"You're mine," I tell her. "And I'm yours. Don't ever question that."
Her response is to clamp down around my cock, pulsing against me as she comes.
"Shit," I blurt out, unable to contain myself. "Fuck, yes," I groan, my hips jerk frantically as I come hard and suddenly.
Right as we wind down, her body resting against the door, a thundering knock startles us both to hell.
"Hey, fucktards," Ava calls out from the hall, "when you're done screwing in there, can you come out here? The fire alarm is going off."
Julia swings around to look at me, eyes wide, mouthing something I can't understand right away. Her face is bright red and I'm trying not to laugh.
"Get out there," she hisses, pushing me into the bedroom.
I pull on my pants and head into the hall and toward the loud beeping sounds Julia and I have been completely unaware of.
Jesus, the house could burn down around us and we wouldn't notice. Luckily, whatever set the alarm off isn't a real emergency. Ava accidentally set it off making herself food. I climb on a chair and disable the sound. As I climb back down, a different sort of alarm faces me; the one on my cousin's face as she glowers at me.
"I was going to tell you," I say, heading her off.
"What? That you two have been screwing?" Ava says. "Please. I've known since the night of the party."
She turns away and walks to the sink, where a faucet is running over a steaming pot.
"So you're not pissed?" I ask.
"Pissed? No. I don't really care what you two do. But I do think you're being reckless. She's not the fling type and you're not the relationship type, so where does that leave you?"
"That," I say, "is really not your business."
"Wrong again. As much as I'd like to not give a shit, I have to worry about her suddenly breaking the lease and leaving me without a third roommate."
Can Julia hear us from the bedroom? I hope not, though Ava's making no effort to keep her voice down. She never does.
"You don't have to worry about that."
"Why? Are you two serious?"
There's a beat of silence that might as well be a punch to my gut. I can't. I can't talk about this right now. "It's new, Ava. That's all you need to know."
I leave it there, walking away without another word. When I get back into the room, Julia's sitting on the edge of the bed, her face blank of emotion. This is never a good sign.
"Sorry about that," I say of Ava's tactless interruption. "I know that was embarrassing for you."
"I'm fine," she says, crossing her arms.
"Hey..." I walk over and use a finger to try to guide her chin up to look at me, but she moves my hand away.
There are words on the tip of her tongue, I can see the way she's resisting to say them. So I wait, letting the silence drag out.
"I'm not sure we're on the same page," she finally says.
"About what?"
She lets out a small sneer, as if she can't believe I don't know.
"About us," she snaps. "About where we stand and what the things we do mean."
"Julia..." I pause, waiting for her to meet my eyes. She does and I continue, "You're the only one I want, do you get that? You're the only thing I want."
"So why is this conversation so forced? Why is the topic of where we stand so bitter? Shouldn't it be simple?"
I rub my face then reach over to pull on her hand, guiding her to her feet. My arms wrap around her waist and I lean my forehead on hers.
How do I tell her that this conversation terrifies me right now? Not because I don't want to be with her, but because I want it so badly the thought of losing her terrifies me. And all that I can think of lately is loss. How easily things are lost and how little people leave behind when they disappear from your life. I know it's self-centered. And I'll find a way to give her everything, when I can. But right now? I need to press pause. I need time to stop, right here. Right before things get scary.
"Let's not fight," I say. "It's not us."
"Us?" She pulls away from me. "No, Giles. It's not us. It's you and it's me. It's never us. We've always fallen short of an us. That train left the station and I think we've been sitting there waiting for it to return, instead of accepting that maybe it's not coming back."
"You're wrong," I say, her words hollowing me out. "There is an us."
"Maybe," she says, bitterly. "Maybe there's an us, but on your terms. A hazy, maybe someday sort of us. But I'm not okay with this gray area. I'm not okay with you not wanting to define what we are."
I can almost hear her thoughts screaming at me through her eyes.
I want to be your girlfriend, you idiot. I want to feel like this is more than just a temporary thing. I want steady ground to stand on with you.
And I hate myself for not being able to be her steady ground. I can't be that for anyone, right now. I can barely stand on my own two feet as it is.
"What do you want, Giles? I can't keep giving myself to you the way I do and pretend it's enough that you care about me. I deserve more. We are either in a committed relationship or we're not."
I hesitate, not wanting to say the wrong thing. But here I am, unable to say the right thing. It's not complicated. It's so goddamn simple. It's just words, but words are everything, and I just can't push past this last damn wall.
Julia looks down and her voice is sharp at the edges, the way it used to be back when she wasn't sure she could be open with me. "I'm here for you, if you need me. But from now on, I only have sex with my boyfriend. Let me know if you see him around anywhere. I may or may not have one. I may or may not have to find a new one."
Is she threatening to go out and be with someone else if I don't promise her commitment right this minute? The thought makes me furious.
"I don't like ultimatums," I say, voice low in warning.
"Yeah? Well, that's too bad, Giles. I don't like being someone's distraction."
She storms out of the room, leaving the door to slam shut behind her. The moment she leaves, I want to throw something across the room, frustrated I can't seem to put words to my thoughts, can't seem to get her to understand why I can't give her what she wants right now.
An hour passes, where the initial anger fades away, and I'm left with just regret. I need to try to talk to her again. I can't face tomorrow knowing she and I are at risk of falling apart. But after I knock on her bedroom door a few times, Ava comes out of her own room to tell me Julia's gone.