The intensity surging through our connection in that moment was as captivating to him as it was to me. We were both standing there, breathing profusely. My heart pounding so hard in my chest that I swear he could hear it. Both of us lost in our own thoughts.
He knew what I was doing.
What I was looking for.
What I needed to see.
Only adding to the plaguing emotions that were placed in between us. A hint of darkness still remained in his honey-colored stare as if he was trying to break through the demons haunting him.
Battle his way back to me.
It seemed like seconds, minutes, hours went by where our silence spoke volumes even though nothing escaped, our lips. I could physically feel his thoughts raging war in his mind with no end in sight.
When he opened his mouth to say something, the front door opened, cutting him off, and Rosarío walked in. “I’m sorry I took so long. You know Carmen, once she starts talki—” She stopped dead in her tracks, taking in the scene in front of her. “What’s going on?” she questioned, glancing from him to me, down to his hands that were still holding onto me.
I didn’t hesitate, shoving off his chest, breaking his grasp on my hips, and stepping back and away from him, blurting, “Ask this imposter, maybe he won’t treat you like you’re nothing but a burden.”
He grimaced. It was quick, but I saw it. With that, I spun around and left, walking back to my room.
“Amira, what—”
“Let her go, Rosarío. Just let her be,” I overheard Damien interrupt her, as I slammed my door shut behind me.
Once it was closed, I leaned against the cool wood, taking a solid, deep breath. Refusing to cry, even though I was beyond hurt and confused. The fear I felt subsided, replaced with something I never felt before. I don’t know how long I sat there, dazed and confused by his behavior.
Did he really mean those things? Was I too needy? Did I not do anything right?
I crept up off the floor with my heart aching and my mind burning. My reflection in my vanity mirror only made me sadder. I peered around the room at all the dolls on the shelves that he had gifted me over the years. Along with the shelves lined with nothing but books of stories that use to bring me so much happiness. There wasn’t one thing in this room that Damien hadn’t given me.
“All I do is provide for you! I’m exhausted tending
to all your needs! I didn’t ask for this life!”
His cruel, but true, words echoed in my mind. He didn’t ask for this life…
He didn’t ask for me.
I was his obligation, and that was the harshest reality of all. I took one last look around the room before I grabbed a bag from under my bed and threw it on the comforter. Opening my drawers and closet, only grabbing a few necessities I would need. My eyes blurred with tears every time I shoved another piece of me into the suitcase. Thinking how I would never see him or Rosarío again.
“All I do is provide for you! I’m exhausted tending to all your needs! I didn’t ask for this life!”
I repeated it over and over again in my mind, letting it sink into my soul. Fueling my determination to leave them both behind. I didn’t know where I would go, but I wouldn’t stay somewhere I wasn’t wanted.
It wasn’t fair to him.
To either of them.
I zipped my bag and pulled it off the bed, quietly opening my bedroom door to get to the bathroom, and grab a few last things.
“Damien, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Amira knows it wasn’t your fault,” Rosarío declared, stopping me mid-stride as I was about to walk into the bathroom.
I tiptoed down the hallway, hiding behind the wall. Peering through the crack of the kitchen’s swinging doors so they wouldn’t know I was eavesdropping. I still hadn’t learned I wasn’t supposed to do that.
He scoffed, shaking his head while he stood in front of her. Rosarío was sitting in one of the island chairs.
“Only because she doesn’t know any better. I fucking lost my shit on her today, Rosarío. I screamed at her. I scared her. I was maliciously cruel for no fucking reason, other than the fact that I couldn’t shut it off. The man I am, the same man I vowed to never let her see,” he countered, disgusted with himself. He started to pace the kitchen floor, tugging his hair back away from his face in a frustrated gesture like he wanted to rip it out. “I fucked up. I should’ve never come over tonight. I fucking knew it, but I was selfish. I wanted to see her. I needed to see her.”
“Damien, that’s not you. She knows that’s not—”
“That. Is. Me,” he argued, halting in place and sternly looked over at her. “What do you think I do every day, eh? You know whom I serve. You know what I am. Don’t play dumb, Rosarío, you’re no fucking good at it.”
“Did you ever stop and think that you aren’t like them? That you—”
“You mean before or after I took part in murdering her family?” he callously relayed, leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest. The impact of his words caused me to wince back in pain. His revelation and guilt weren't a surprise to me, but it still hurt to hear him admit it out loud.
“You know it as much as I do… She’s not a little girl anymore. The older she gets, the more she’s going to learn the truth. One day soon, I won’t be the man who saved her. I’ll just be another fucking monster that haunts her dreams.”
I grimaced, not expecting him to say that. His response made my heart hurt for him. Probably in the same way his heart always hurt for mine.
Rosarío sighed, taking a deep breath. “She was never a little girl, Damien. She’s already seen and gone through too much for her age. It’s made her grow up faster. But you want to know what I see? I see her laugh and smile with you, more than I ever do with anyone else. Including me. She plays, she runs, she acts like the carefree young girl she’s supposed to be. When she’s with you… she feels safe. That girl doesn’t hate you for anything, it’s the exact opposite. She loves you, and you love her too. You love her so much that it terrifies you that one day, she may not look at you the same way. Not because you’re a monster, but because you made her think you’re one by pushing her away.”
He didn’t hesitate, his kind eyes shifted toward the door I was hiding behind. Like he could sense I was standing there the whole time. “Mu?eca, if you’re going to eavesdrop, you should make sure your shadow can’t be seen under the doors.”
I groaned, feeling apprehensive that I got caught, but I quickly shook it off. Confidently walking into the kitchen to face them. Both their eyes simultaneously went to the bag I was holding in my hands. The realization of what I was going to do swiftly replaced the concerned expressions on their faces.