Meredith’s grandfather had refused to budge from her side until the doctor said she was okay, but once that happened, he’d hightailed it out the door, saying he’d smoke his pipe while walking Cap. He didn’t like hospitals any more than the rest of them.
Meredith knew that Mallory would not have been comfortable leaving her and Kate, even though she seemed to like Clarke very much. It was still too soon for her to be comfortable alone with strangers, but that would come in time.
Meredith squeezed Mallory’s hand. ‘Papa and Cap are turning into popsicles out there. Let’s just say hi to Agent Troy and then we’ll go.’
Kate knocked lightly, then pushed open the door and— ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’
Quincy Taylor stood next to Troy’s bed and he looked . . . furious. So did Troy, actually. Both men blinked hard when they saw them in the doorway.
‘Can I help you?’ Troy asked.
‘You have the wrong room,’ Quincy snapped at the same time.
Meredith looked from Quincy to Troy. It didn’t take a shrink to know the two had been arguing. ‘It’s Meredith.’ She pointed to the fake hair. ‘This is just a wig.’
Kate leaned over her shoulder. ‘Kate and Mallory too. We just came to say hi, but we can come back.’
‘We didn’t mean to interrupt anything,’ Meredith added awkwardly.
‘You didn’t.’ Troy forced a smile. ‘Come in. Why are you in a wheelchair, Meredith?’
‘Bumped my head.’ She glared over her shoulder at Kate. ‘But I’m fine.’
Quincy grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder. ‘That’s good to hear. If you’ll excuse me, I was just leaving anyway. I have to get back to work.’
Kate pulled the wheelchair out of the doorway and they gave him room to leave. Then Kate pushed Meredith into the room and marched straight to Troy’s bed, where she began giving him a stern lecture. But Mallory stopped only a foot inside the room and rested against the wall, eyes closed. Trembling. She was fighting a panic attack.
‘Hey,’ Meredith whispered. ‘You’re doing great.’
‘I’m a coward,’ Mallory said from behind clenched teeth.
‘You are the farthest thing from a coward on this planet,’ Meredith declared.
‘I can’t even look at the hospital bed.’
‘Well, this isn’t exactly anybody’s happy place,’ Meredith said dryly, relieved when Mallory’s lips twitched. ‘Before I interrupted you, what were you thinking about?’
‘Oh.’ She looked away, embarrassed. ‘I was thinking about Cap. Sometimes I just pretend I’m petting him. Which sounds dumb, I know.’
‘No, it doesn’t. It sounds very smart. Mallory, look at me.’ Meredith waited until the girl’s dark eyes were open and focused. ‘You know what PTSD is, right?’
She nodded. ‘It’s what happens to soldiers.’
‘It also happens to victims of crime.’ They’d discussed this in therapy so many times in the past, but Mallory never remembered. ‘It doesn’t matter what caused the trauma. When it happens to you, your brain gets locked there. The emotions you felt at the time, they return and then—’
‘I’m there,’ Mallory interrupted in a small voice. ‘I’m back there. And I always tell myself that I’ll never go back there, that I’m strong. That I survived.’
‘You are,’ Meredith said fiercely. ‘You did.’
‘But I keep going back there,’ Mallory said, her voice pitching higher.
‘You know that today is the first time you’ve acknowledged that?’
Mallory grimaced. ‘Because I’m a coward.’
‘No, because you’re smart.’
Dark eyes flew open. ‘What?’
‘Look, if you know a stove is hot, are you going to touch it?’
‘Well, maybe once,’ Mallory allowed.
‘Right?’ Meredith smiled at her. ‘That stove is gonna hurt. And what smart person wants to hurt? Thinking of yourself as being a victim hurts, because you have to give that thing that happened to you a name. Makes it more real.’
‘Doesn’t matter if I give it a name or not. I can’t make it un-happen.’
‘True. But what if you could get to a place where thinking about it didn’t throw you back? What if you could tell your story like it happened to someone else?’
‘I do!’
‘Not really, honey. If you did, it wouldn’t hurt so much.’ She cupped Mallory’s cheek. ‘If petting Cap makes you happy, why haven’t you asked for a dog of your own?’
Mallory blinked, as if the thought had never occurred to her. ‘I could have a dog?’
‘You’d have to ask Wendi, of course, but . . . why not?’
‘I can’t feed a dog. I don’t have any money. I can’t even feed myself.’ Again her voice pitched up, and once again she clamped her lips together and began to breathe.
‘I think we can find a way for you to afford a dog.’
‘I’m not taking any more charity,’ Mallory said through her teeth. ‘Especially not from you. I take from you. Everybody takes from you. And you just keep giving.’
Oh, mercy, Meredith thought. I really need to get this girl a new therapist. I’m way too close. She’d never suspected Mallory hid all those emotions. ‘Okay. Wow.’
‘And now I’ve hurt your feelings,’ Mallory said wearily. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, you didn’t hurt my feelings. But you did surprise me. How about we figure this out once we get out of the hospital that was giving you hives five minutes ago.’
Mallory’s eyes widened comically. ‘I forgot. I forgot I hated this place.’
Meredith’s lips curved. ‘I know.’
Mallory glanced to her right, where Kate and Troy waited silently. Her cheeks darkened with sudden shame. ‘I forgot about them too. They heard everything.’
It was true, and Meredith considered saying that Kate and Troy wouldn’t think less of her, which was also true, but probably no more helpful. Briefly she considered admitting to her own insecurities, but that wasn’t appropriate, either. Until she transitioned Mallory to another therapist, there were still professional proprieties.
Plus, Meredith had never experienced what Mallory had. None of them had. The girl’s abuse had been broadcasted over the Internet, her privacy stolen along with her innocence and sense of self. Now, her healing had been witnessed as well.
Way to go, Fallon. Nice job. She opened her mouth to reply, but was saved by Troy.
‘Mallory, would you come over here, please?’ he asked.
Slowly Mallory complied, stopping when she got close enough to grip the bed rails.
Troy caught Mallory’s gaze and held it. ‘I did hear what you were saying. But there’s no shame in it. What you’re feeling isn’t different than anyone else would feel after what you went through. You think none of us are scared, that we don’t have to deal with our pasts and our panic? Just because we’re cops doesn’t mean we don’t suffer from it too.’
Mallory lifted her chin. ‘It’s not the same as mine.’
‘You’re right, but it’s never the same. The crimes aren’t the same and the way we deal – and heal – isn’t the same.’
Mallory started to protest, but stopped, narrowing her eyes. ‘We?’
‘Do you think I’m a coward, Mallory?’ he asked, holding her gaze.
‘No,’ Mallory replied without hesitation.
Troy smiled a little. ‘I’m betting you’re thinking, fine, none of these guys really understand, because they’ve never been a real victim of a violent crime. Is that fair?’
‘Yes. Well, maybe except for Faith. She has a scar.’ She pointed to her throat. ‘Here.’
Faith had been a victim of a violent crime. Meredith knew all the details. She knew that Faith still had nightmares, some that she didn’t even tell Deacon about, because she knew it would hurt him. Meredith also knew that Faith wasn’t the only one of their group to have been victimized. And from the expression on Troy’s face, it was also true for him.
‘Not everyone wears their scars where you can see them, Mallory,’ he said. ‘Do you know what gay bashing is?’
Mallory nodded, but when he said no more, her eyes widened. ‘That happened to you?’