“I know you weren’t.”
“I’m realizing now that I can’t do this. I can’t pretend to not know anything and lie to her face. I’ve gotten really lucky up until now, but I just don’t know how to fake it. It just seems cruel.”
“How did you handle it?”
“I barely did. I feel like she could tell something was wrong with me. I listened to her, nodded a lot. It was awful. I pride myself on being open and honest with her. But this is the one thing I can’t talk about, not until they give me permission.”
My breathing was becoming choppy really fast. Landon knew I was prone to panic attacks. He continued to hold me tightly until I calmed down.
“Hop in the truck. Let’s go home. We need to talk about some stuff, and it can’t wait.”
“I can’t handle anything more today, Landon.”
“It’s not anything bad—at all. I promise. It’s just a long overdue conversation, and it relates to what happened today.”
He finished the last of his cleaning up as I sat there in a daze.
Sitting on the truck floor, I closed my eyes as Landon drove us back to our apartment.
Once home, he disappeared into the bathroom. When I heard the water running, I realized he was drawing a bath for us.
Landon stripped down before undressing me. As many times as I’ve seen him naked, the beauty of his inked physique never ceased to make my jaw drop. After he led me into the warm water, Landon got in behind me and pulled my body into his. Leaning my head against his chest, I had never been more grateful to have a night off from my dancing gig. I was in no mood tonight.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“I know. But I’m hoping that what I’m about to say to you might make you feel better.”
“What is it, Landon?”
He wrapped his arms around me tighter under the water. His low voice was soothing as he spoke against my skin.
“I told you that before I left California, I started seeing a therapist, but I never went into detail about any of the epiphanies I had before moving here. It never seemed like the right moment to bring it all up…until today.”
“I know. I didn’t want to pressure you to talk about it.”
“You know that I spent several years confused and filled with resentment over my birth mother. I don’t think that I ever really saw things from her point of view—until you. I didn’t understand how she could’ve given me away until I saw the same scenario through the eyes of someone I love more than life. You’ve given me a new perspective on the feelings of desperation that my mother must have felt. And seeing your feelings of guilt, I know how sorry you are. I know how much you love Lilith and that your actions as a teenager are not a reflection of your love for her. I realize now that my mother probably loved me very much. You have shown me that. So, thank you.”
He was thanking me?
“She did love you, Landon. I know she did.”
“Everything you do is for Lilith. She has you. She just doesn’t know it. She doesn’t know how lucky she is, but she will someday. My therapist also helped me to see my situation differently when it comes to my parents. I’ve taken them for granted. They loved me more than they could’ve ever loved a child of their own. My mother couldn’t have children, you know. That’s why they turned to adoption.”
“Neither could Beth.”
“You gave Lilith’s parents a gift just as my mother gave Marjorie and Jim one. It’s like I’ve been blind to the fact that something really wonderful came out of Beverly’s abandonment. I was only focusing on the reasons why she shouldn’t have given me up, but not focusing on all the good things that happened as a result. For one, I met you. My life wouldn’t be what it is today if I grew up with Beverly. My upbringing would’ve been rough whether she loved me or not. Sometimes love is enough, but sometimes the bad stuff can really eclipse it. I can’t guarantee I would’ve been happier if she’d kept me. But I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I had a good upbringing with loving parents. What did poor Marjorie get in return for that? A son who left her to go find his—quote, unquote—real mother. I had a mother. And I really owe her an apology for the way I handled things, the way I disappeared.”
My heart did break for Landon’s mother. I knew she spent many years feeling that she’d lost him.
“Marjorie is a wonderful mom.”
“Here’s the bottom line, Rana. Everything turned out the way it was supposed to. You give yourself hell for giving up your child, but has anyone reminded you of how brave you were? You could’ve decided to abort the baby as soon as you found out. My mother could’ve decided the same. Instead, you carried Lilith to term. That had to have been scary as hell at that age. Then you made the decision that you felt was best for her. And when you got your shit together, you owned up to your mistake and handled it in a way that probably very few people would have the guts to. You faced that regret head on and have tried to take back some of what you lost.”
My heart felt heavy. “What if it explodes in my face? What if I lose her?”
“She’s going to find out. It’s inevitable. But I want you to know that I’m gonna be there with you when she does. And after you tell her, I will be there for her. I’ll tell her my own story and show her that she’s not the only person who’s dealt with it. She’ll never have to handle this alone, Rana. Lilith and I…we share something that no one else can understand unless they’ve been on that end of the situation. If there’s a reason for everything that happens in life, then maybe I went through all this for her, so that I could be there for Lilith.”
The fact that he felt that way really touched me deeply. It was like he’d unwound all of our pain and sewed it back together into something beautiful. Words could not express my gratitude to him for opening up to me today.
“I can’t tell you how much it means to know that I won’t have to go through this alone and that you would want to support Lilith that way.”