Drop Dead Sexy

“By all means,” Catcher replied.

“Thank you.” Not wanting to appear weak in front of Catcher, I rolled Randy over myself. Once he was on his side, I examined his back lividity. Here’s some fun forensic facts for you. When a body had been dead between two and eight hours, you could press the skin, and the color would disappear. With a body that had been dead twelve hours, the color stayed. It was kind of crazy that poking around a corpse could reveal so much.

I pressed the four fingers of my right hand onto Randy’s back. I was immediately met with the icy cold that takes over a body within one to two hours of death. The clinical term was Algor Mortis.

When I removed my fingers, the colored remained. I glanced back at the others. “We’re looking at least at twelve hours.”

“So maybe the murder took place sometime around nine last night?” Ralph suggested.

“Yes. Let me take his temperature.” After I dug my thermometer out of my bag, I started to spread Randy’s butt cheeks when Catcher stopped me.

“Do you seriously have to do that in his ass?” he asked with a disgusted look.

I rolled my eyes as I thrust the thermometer into Randy’s rectum. “Yes, Mister Big Shot Agent Man, I do. Just like when you’re alive, rectal temperature is the most accurate.”

Catcher shuddered. “I’ve only seen it done under the arm when I’ve been on investigations in the past.”

Choosing to ignore him, I focused on reading the numbers. “He doesn’t have two assholes, does he?” Ralph asked.

“No. Just the one.”

I heard Ralph exhale in relief. In the first twelve hours of death, the temperature would decease 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit every hour while after twelve it went to .7 degrees. Once I measured Randy’s temperature, I used the calculator on my phone to determine the equation. “Based on both Rigor and Algor mortis, I would guess the murder took place sometime between nine thirty and ten PM.”

Both Ralph and Catcher nodded. “That gives us something to go on until he comes back from the crime lab,” Catcher said.

When I eased Randy onto his back, a sense of déjà vu filled me when another horrified chorus echoed through the room. But this time, I screamed with them. Both of Randy’s dicks were at full attention.

“Hold the phone. Is he not dead?” Todd demanded.

“Why he’s deader than a doornail,” Ralph replied.

Now that I’d had a moment to collect myself, I felt silly for my over-the-top reaction. “Postmortem erections, while rare, do occur.”

Catcher shook his head. “I’ve seen people who shit and pissed themselves, but that’s a new one.”

“I guess when I put Randy on his side, the shifting lividity sent the blood forward to his penises.”

After scratching his chin, Catcher asked, “So if they both got hard post mortem, does that mean they were both functional when he was alive?”

“I would assume so. But since blood isn’t pumping through the cardiovascular system, it’s hard to tell.”

It was at that moment with the four of us standing around eyeing Randy’s pumped up peckers, that Agents Solano and Capshaw came into the bedroom. Both of them skidded to a stop, their expressions frozen in disbelief.

“What. The. Hell,” Agent Solano said while Agent Capshaw appeared to be trying not to vomit.

“You guys look surprised. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a dead guy with two hard cocks?” Catcher grinned, amusement dancing in his eyes.

“That would be not just no, but hell fucking no,” Agent Solano replied while Agent Capshaw merely shook his head.

“Did you two find anything during your perimeter check?” Catcher questioned.

Agent Solano nodded. “Looks like the perpetrator came via the river.”

“They did?” I questioned.

“There are disturbed places along the shoreline where a boat was kept. We found a few shoe prints that we’ll make a cast of. I’ll go get the kit and get started.”

“Thanks, E.”

Agent Capshaw picked up Randy’s phone off the nightstand. “We’ll need to take this with us to crack the combo code to get into his contacts.”

Catcher nodded. “Put it in the bag with the laptop and computer that Solano found in the office. We’ll need to check all the files.”

“Got it,” Capshaw replied before starting out the bedroom door.

“Any idea about a next of kin?” Catcher asked.

Ralph adjusted his chaw. “That’s a good question. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him mention any family. He always closed up the pharmacy on holidays and went out of town. Where I have no clue.”

Catcher nodded. “Did you check the nightstand for a little black book?”

“Although we didn’t check, I’d be damn surprised to find one. Randy was not that type of man.”

Catcher tilted his head at Ralph. “Considering the man was hiding two dicks in his pants, I think it’s safe to say whoever you thought he was is a lie.”