Drop Dead Sexy

When I shook my head, Catcher growled into my ear, which drenched my panties. “Dammit, Olivia. Why are you being so stubborn?”

“Look, I can’t talk about this anymore.” After prying myself away from him, I whirled around and fumbled for the doorknob. I fled the guest bedroom and started back into Randy’s.

Unfortunately, Catcher was right on my heels. “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot,” he hissed behind me.

“Excuse me, but I have a job to do.” I threw back at him. Ignoring the curious looks from Ralph and the others, I stomped over to the bed. “Newt!” I called.

I heard some hustling in the hallway before Newt appeared in the doorway. “Yeah, Olivia?”

“I’m ready for you to photograph the body.”

“Sure thing. I got two more shots in the bathroom, and I’ll be right there.”

“Fine.” I grabbed the sheet bunched at Randy’s waist and tugged it to the floor. The horrified chorus that rang around me sent me jumping out of my skin. My hand flew to my chest to still my erratically beating heart. While still rubbing my shirt, I glanced back at the others. They had all paled slightly and wore a look of horror on their faces.

“Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” Todd said while crossing himself.

“I’ll be damned,” Ralph muttered while Catcher merely blinked a few times. He appeared so shaken that he had lost the ability to form words. Ha, I bet that was a first.

Considering the trio consisted of a funeral attendant, a sheriff, and a GBI agent, I couldn’t imagine what could have possibly freaked them out so much. I mean, they had to have seen their fair share of traumatizing things in their careers. And then when I looked down at Randy, I truly understood the horror.

Just like with Jesse’s latex-allergy-induced eggplant dick, what I saw would haunt me for years. It would be one of those things that after you fluffed your pillow, snuggled under the cozy covers, and turned out the light, you would suddenly want to scream out in terror because it was emblazoned on the back of your eyelids. It was a vision all the bleach in the world wouldn’t remove. It would be the thing when you were old and grey that strangers curiously asked if you really saw. Like your own version of Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster.

Protruding from an overgrowth of dark pubic hair was not one but two penises. I furiously blinked several times as if I could somehow wake myself out of my stupor of a bad dream. How was this even possible? Our victim, Randy Dickinson, mild-mannered pharmacist, civic volunteer, and bass in the church choir had two penises. Or was it peni? He was packing two schlongs, two meats and four veg, double dongs, a duo of dicks, a couple of cocks, twin trouser snakes, two tallywackers. I shook my head to try and get a hold of myself. I wasn’t someone who was easily shaken on the job, but Randy and his two dicks had me absolutely gobsmacked.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I leaned forward for a better look. Although they began at the same base, they grew separate of each other. Neither one was circumcised, which considering Randy’s age wasn’t too surprising. I couldn’t help wondering if they were both functional for urination…and for sex. How in the world does one have sex with two dicks?

“One in each orifice or maybe double-dicking one hole?” Catcher suggested.

Mortification filled me not only because I had somehow managed to verbalize my inner monologue, but at how Catcher had answered. I didn’t want to imagine anyone “double-dicking” a hole, especially not Randy. It was hard enough picturing him having missionary sex least of all something kinky like that.

Damn. No wonder he had never married.

It was then I realized the others had crowded around the bedside to get a closer look at Randy’s endowments. Both Todd and Ralph wore the same expressions of wide-eyed wonderment. I guess I couldn’t blame them. Considering how men felt about their manhood, this would be like hitting the Powerball in the penis lottery.

Todd blinked a few times before asking, “Uh, Olivia, have you ever seen anything like that?”

“No. I haven’t.”

“Doesn’t that—” Ralph paused to motion to Randy’s crotch area, “have a name?”

“Diphallia,” I replied at the same time Catcher said, “Freak.”

I shot him a scathing look. “Don’t you even have a shred of decency in you?”

He grinned. “Sorry. It got shot to hell the moment I saw the dude had two dicks.”

Catcher’s comment, coupled with the absurdity of the moment, caused the others to break out in hysterical laughter. I rolled my eyes at their antics. “Excuse me, gentleman, but regardless of the victim’s endowments, I still have a job to do. So, if you’ll please give me some room.”