Drop Dead Sexy

“I’m not lying. I’m perfectly happy with my life.”

Okay, so I was lying through my teeth. I wasn’t just desperate to be boned. I was even more desperate to have someone to call my own. For spooning while sleeping in on Saturday mornings. For mundane conversations over homemade chicken and dumplings. For arguing over what to watch on television—football or Lifetime. For shuttling our children between sports practice and dance lessons. For all the little things that made average lives extraordinary.

Although at times I wanted to throw my arms up, toss my head back, and scream to the heavens, “WHYYYYY?!”, I refrained. While I could have easily sunk deeper into the quicksand of my pity party, I chose to clamber my way out of the abyss. After all, this was supposed to be my mother’s happy time. She’d been through enough after losing my father that she shouldn’t have to see me limping along from a broken spirit.

“Seriously, Mama, I’m fine. I haven’t given up hope that one day my prince will come. Right now, he’s probably just being held captive in some foreign prison.”

While she didn’t appear to be completely satisfied by my argument, she did manage to give me a smile. “I pray every day, sweetheart. There’s nothing more that I want in life than to see you and Allen settled.”

“Now it’s your turn not to lie. Secretly, you want us to get married, so we can give you grandbabies.”

At the mention of my brother and me procreating, my mother’s dark blue eyes sparkled with pleasure. “Okay, so maybe I’m dying for a grandbaby…or three,” she replied, with a giggle.

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve been toying with the idea of having my eggs frozen. You know, to be able to use later on in case the man doesn’t show up.”

My mother’s happiness instantly evaporated. “That’s not what I had in mind.”

Pease poked my mom’s leg with her cane. “What about that, Maureen? You can start telling everyone you’re expecting a grandbaby as soon as it thaws out.”

Mama rolled her eyes. “Excuse me that I don’t get excited over the prospect of a grandcicle.”

Pease chortled. “As much as Allen dips his wick with stray ass, you’ll be a grandmother before you know it.” When both Mama and I shot her a horrified look, Pease shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“I don’t even want to ask how you know about Allen’s love life,” Mama said.

With a wink, Pease replied, “I never reveal my sources.”

“Thank God,” I murmured, which earned me a whack on the knee from Pease’s cane.

“Ow!”

“I’d pay good money if my sources had anything juicy to reveal on you,” she harrumphed.

“Leave Olivia alone, Eloise,” Mama warned.

Pease leaned in on her cane. “I’m just stating facts about Olivia’s lack of a love life.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose as a headache began to form. I began to repeat Do not bitch slap your grandmother. Do not bitch slap your grandmother in my head. “I need some Advil,” I said, rising to my feet.

“Oh, don’t be such a candy ass, Livvie. You know I was only teasing,” Pease called as I started back to the bedroom where the coats and purses were.

Resisting the urge to shoot her a bird, I chose the high road instead and ignored her. As I started in the bedroom, Jill was shrugging into her coat. “Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, I better hit the road if I’m going to make it back in time to meet Chase.”

“I think I’ll follow you out.”

My words sent her hips gyrating into some epic pelvic thrusts. “Ooh, yeah baby, Livvie’s gonna get her some.”

“Shh!” I hissed as I threw a panicked glance over my shoulder to make sure Mama or Pease hadn’t followed me.

“Any ideas where you’re going to go?”

“I was thinking about doing a Google search. See if anything is around here.”

“Well, good luck on that one.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s just I didn’t notice anything on the drive up here.”

“It’s been my experience that no matter how backwoods a place is, there is always a watering hole somewhere.”

“Let’s just hope at this ‘watering hole’, as you call it, there’s a moderately decent looking guy with a working cock.”

I grinned. “Fingers crossed.”





After leaving Mama’s shower, I pulled over at a Texaco station about a mile from the cabin. It wasn’t for gas but to change into my sexy attire to hit a bar. Jill had deemed my wardrobe “too matronly”, so she had promised to bring me a dress from her closet to the shower. And hot damn, Jill had really come through for me on a flaming red dress with spaghetti straps that hit mid-thigh. I loved the heels the most with their crisscrossing rhinestone straps.

I realized I’d made a serious mistake with my choice when after finding the outside bathroom locked, I was given the key, which was attached to a toilet seat lid. “Please tell me I’m not supposed to use this on the commode?” I questioned.