Considering my dog-tired state, I’d contemplated four shots, but I honestly wasn’t sure if my heart could manage any additional stress. It’d already taken quite the fucking beating last night.
Once I set my stuff in my locker, I did my best to focus my brainpower on getting the office ready for a full day’s worth of appointments. But as I set up each exam room with fresh paper and medical supplies, I couldn’t stop my racing thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about that episode. I couldn’t stop hearing the sounds Will had made behind the on-call room door. I couldn’t stop remembering how easily he’d lied to me. “Never,” he’d said, and God had those words flowed off his tongue without any hesitation.
By the time the clock struck 9 a.m., and the rest of the staff—besides Will—had filled the office, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my composure. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could physically stay at work. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I could successfully do my job—a job that I technically didn’t even really want to do anymore. For the past month or so, I’d been struggling over the fact that I knew my passion wasn’t working in a medical office. Sure, I enjoyed it, I loved taking care of women during pregnancy, but deep down, I wanted to make it so that all of my time was focused on those women who really needed assistance and advice and someone to support them. Women like Carmen and Syreeta and Bethany and…yeah, it was truly an endless list, and that was only in New York. But I’d stayed for Will. I loved seeing him all day long, watching him in action and thriving underneath his steady assurance.
Well, that’s well and truly fucked now, isn’t it?
No, really. Isn’t it? Someone help me out here. I fucking hate feeling like this.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a chance to find a way out of my internal hell.
Will walked through the reception doors with his briefcase in his hand while I was working on a computer in the hall, and the instant his reserved blue eyes met mine, a rush of emotions hit me all at once. Anger. Sadness. Heartbreak. I felt like the floor had dropped out from beneath me.
God, just the mere sight of him hurts like a knife to my already mangled heart.
Quickly, I averted my eyes and tried to switch my focus back toward the computer screen in front of me, but he didn’t give me a reprieve. Out of my periphery, I watched as his feet moved in my direction, until they stopped directly beside me.
“Mel?” he asked quietly, concern etching his voice.
“Yeah?” I responded, but I couldn’t find the strength to meet his eyes.
“I missed you last night,” he whispered.
“Sorry,” I muttered and racked my brain for a quick excuse to end this conversation before I started to sob in the middle of the hallway. “I was busy…with…uh…with helping Janet…” I lied. “Yeah…I was busy with Janet until late last night.”
“Shit. Is she okay?”
“Uh-huh. She’s fine.”
I knew it was my fault, that’d I’d been the one to avoid him last night, but I really didn’t want to have this scene out at work.
“Mel,” he said, and his voice dropped to anxious. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I lied and started to type out the rest of my nursing note into a patient chart. “Just busy trying to finish up charting on a follow-up call.”
He placed his hands on top of mine, stopping my typing progress. “Can you take a quick break from that and come to my office?”
I glanced up from the computer screen and met his gaze.
“Please?” he asked and with the way his blue eyes had turned pleading, I couldn’t not give in to his request.
I nodded, and silently, I followed his lead down the hall and inside his office.
He shut the door with a quiet click and set his briefcase beside his desk. Wordlessly, he stared across the room, into my eyes, with worry creasing his brow.
“What’s going on, Mel?” he asked, and I shrugged.
“Nothing.”
Everything.
I can’t get the sounds of hearing you sleep with Emily out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you carelessly left me in the dark about what happened during the filming of the show. I can’t stop wondering if there is more to the story on why you didn’t want to tell the office about our relationship. I can’t stop replaying and thinking about your lie over and over and over again.
I fear that I gave my heart to someone who, despite his best efforts not to, will crush it.
And that was the real crux of the issue. Despite all of his trespasses, I really did believe that Will thought I was the best thing for him. I just didn’t know if he was the best thing for me.
“Talk to me,” he urged, and his brow furrowed deeper when I gave him no response. “Melody,” he said, and his long strides quickly closed the space between us. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight to his chest. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
I didn’t react. I couldn’t react. I just stood inside his embrace with my back stiff and my arms hanging limply at my sides.
“Just give me something…anything…” he whispered. “You’re scaring me.”
You’re going to break my fucking heart!
“I can’t do this,” I blurted out, and Will stared down at me with wide eyes.
“What?”
I shrugged out of his arms and put some much-needed distance between us. “I can’t do this,” I repeated and gestured between the two of us with an impatient hand. “I can’t do us.”
“You don’t want to be with me?”
“It’s not like that.” I want to be with you too much. It makes me want to give up everything else I’ve ever wanted.
“Then what is it like, exactly?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for a long-term relationship, Will,” I explained, and his eyes squinted in confusion. “I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t fall into the same trap I did with Eli.”
That was bullshit even to my own ears, but I went with it—to protect myself from him and to protect him from the mess inside my head.
His jaw dropped wide open, and a hint of anger tinged his already tired voice. “I’m not Eli.”
“I know you’re not, but—”
“But what?” he questioned in irritation. “You know I’m not him, but you’re using your ex-boyfriend’s fuck-ups against me anyway?”
Everything I’d been working so hard to contain bubbled up and boiled over.
“No,” I said in a hostile tone. “I’m using your fuck-ups against you.”
Outrage covered his face. “When did I fuck up?”
“I saw the episode, Will,” I enlightened, and his back stiffened. “You know, the one where you and Emily stepped into the call room for a little afternoon delight.”