His words land on me heavy with irony. I started down this path because I never wanted to lose that look in his eyes that’s just for me. And it’s my deception that may change the way he sees me forever. A painful backfire. If I could have that moment back, the one in the barn when I forgave him and our slate was clean, I would confess. I would tell him everything and trust his love. But I didn’t, and now I’m living with the look in his eyes.
“Rhys, I forgave you because I loved you, but I didn’t have to. We’re not entitled to forgiveness. That’s what makes it a gift.” I make myself look his disappointment in the eyes. “I’m asking you for that gift, not because I deserve it, but because I need it. I need you to forgive me.”
My words thaw something in his eyes. Not completely, but something softens. Something melts infinitesimally before he swallows and looks away, his frown almost a reminder to himself that it’s too soon to let go of his anger. That it’s too soon to relent.
“Yeah, you forgave me. After I texted and called you for two months with no answer. I just found out about your lies a few hours ago. Seems to me we’re just getting started. Give me some time and let me focus on fixing this shit.”
He turns to leave, and I hope the words that have always moved him won’t fail me now.
“I live you, Rhyson.”
He looks over his naked shoulder, one brow lifted.
“Aren’t you the one who said sometimes love isn’t enough?”
“I was wrong,” I rush to say. “Rhys, I was wrong about that. If you love someone the way we love each other, it is enough. It has to be.”
He starts toward the door, and I barely hear his last words, but I do.
“Well, now we’ll get to see, won’t we?”
BETWEEN THE STRAIGHT-BACKED CHAIR BY KAI’S hospital bed last week, the couch in Glory Falls, the dusty, lumpy mattress in the shed, and sleeping again under my piano last night, I haven’t been in a bed in what feels like weeks.
I’m like a homeless person living in a mansion, minus the shopping cart. I sit up slowly, making sure nothing hurts. The floor is worse than Aunt Ruthie’s couch. Just days ago I woke up with that damn cushion like a springy knife in my back and Kai curled up to my front instead of in her nice, comfy bed up the hall.
Only days ago I thought we were on the right track. In addition to being in the best place we’ve ever been in our relationship, or so I thought, she had given me permission to get her out of the shitty deal with Malcolm. She was coming to work with me at Prodigy. She promised to marry me when the time was right. We even talked about kids.
It was heaven that all went to hell with just a few words in a few moments. Words Kai should have said to me weeks ago. I know I had a strong reaction when I first found out Drex and Kai had a one-night stand. I understand her hesitation, but to lie to me for this long? To set a plan in motion . . . and I use the word “plan” loosely . . . that would leave me in the dark completely about something so important? A secret she would have kept from me forever? That’s our problem, not the fact that someone is threatening her with a sex tape.
But damn if that video didn’t cut through me like a scythe, leaving a curved trail of guts and emotions. I knew Gep would need to see it, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. I only made it through a few seconds, but I wish I could take those seconds back. Like I’m gonna watch some punk ass fucking my girl for five minutes. Even if it wasn’t Drex I couldn’t do that. Each frame was a nail drilling into my eye, an anvil swinging at my head. And that smug smile on his damn face, I’ll punish him for that. I’ll punish him for making the tape at all. I’ve never felt this level of unadulterated hatred for anyone. Not even for him, but doing this to Kai goes too far.
Even if I can barely be civil to her right now.
I know I have to find a way to forgive her. She forgave me. I get it, but it doesn’t change how betrayed I feel. How galling it is to know that once again she trusted San with something she didn’t give me. That she held a threat in the palm of her hand in that shed and lied to me outright about it. Every time I’m with Kai I feel emotionally naked, like she has unrestricted access to every part of me. I don’t want to hide anything from her, and that was only possible because I thought she felt the same.
But she didn’t.
And I’m really struggling to get past how I deceived myself that she felt that, too.
When I saw her curled up last night at the base of the stairs from my music room . . . God, I just wanted to fuck her right there on the steps, to bury my body so deep there would be no room for even vestiges of anyone else. To exterminate all the termites chewing through my brain after seeing Drex with her in a way that only I should ever be with her. But I couldn’t do it. Sex between us right now would do exactly what Kai thought it would have done before. It would give us a false sense of intimacy. Give us a false sense of rightness. Because nothing is right, not right now.
In addition to the knotted muscles in my back, I’m starving. And there’s not much time to eat. I have to hit this day running. Gep assured me he’d find Drex where San and his minions failed, and I need to be ready to move as soon as he does.