Down the Rabbit Hole

“Nonsense. We mothers need to stick together. We may not have all the right answers, but we do have all the same questions, I think. It helps to know we’re not alone.” She sipped on a sweet tea, still watching her beleaguered friend. “You know, if kids were cake mixes we’d have all the instructions on the back of their boxes with baking tips and low-fat alternatives. But they aren’t, so we don’t. All we can do is our best and hope it’s enough.”


Liz shook her head slowly and left the utensils resting on her plate. “My best is suffocating him. I know it. I see it. And I can’t seem to stop it.

“I look at Cody and I see him struggling to carry a heavy burden that I’ve forced on him—without thinking; without intending to. I’ve been too overprotective, too involved in every second, every aspect of his life . . . holding him too tight, fearful of losing him, too.”

“But that’s perfectly understandable, Liz, losing Lucas the way you did. Cody understands. And he’s not going to blame you for loving him too much.”

“No, of course not, but that’s not what I mean. I see him trying to be more, you know? More than what he is already, which is more than enough. Way more. I see him trying to fill the empty space Lucas left. And I’ve seen the fear in his eyes that he might not be enough.”

Her voice finally cracked, and a tear spilled onto her cheek. “The ‘Jolly Old Saint Nicholas’ recording?—that’s when I started to notice it. Cody was so patient and supportive the whole time Lucas was sick. He’s such a great kid.

“But then after . . . we decided we needed to get away; to do something fun, just the three of us. We took him to Disney World. It was a trip we’d always meant to take—you know, before—but then there was no time and . . .

“I should have realized the first time he said it . . .” She tapped on her forehead with the tips of her fingers. “I should have seen it then. I should have seen it coming. All those stupid books I read on dealing with the death of a child . . . I didn’t see it.” She looked away, and then back again. “We were leery at first, thinking the trip might remind him of Lucas too much. You know, more painful than pleasant for him, for all of us. Finally, Cody just blurted out that the trip was something Lucas would have liked. He said Lucas, not him. It didn’t click.”

“But what twelve-year-old boy wouldn’t want to go to Disney World?” Then, recognizing that there might be a few exceptions, Molly added, “And even if he didn’t, how were you supposed to know?”

“Because it got worse.” She took a draw from her water glass. “He kept pushing himself. Rides that would have scared him to death normally, he rode because ‘Lucas would want me to.’ I look back now, I see his face and he was scared to death. Terrified. But then he’d go find another—a ride Lucas would have ridden over and over—and he’d ride that one. He’d get off pale, trembling and forcing himself to laugh. And all I saw was what I wanted to see.”

“What you needed to see, too, I think. You were all hurting.”

Liz’s nod was slow and tired. “I think the whole trip was like a punishment for him. You know, that survivor’s guilt they talk about?” Her chin quivered. “I can’t bear to think that he, even once, wished he’d been the one to die instead of Lucas. The books say it’s common, but I can’t . . . I hope it isn’t true.”

“But what about his therapy? I thought you were all in therapy.”