Disorderly Conduct (The Academy #1)

“Hooking up,” I whisper through numb lips.

The blood drains from my face, scenes beginning to play on a screen inside my head. The speed dating fiasco, the fire alarm going off in the restaurant. And then the scenes that made tears burn in my eyes. Charlie showing up after speed dating and taking me for a drink, opening up to me about pressure at the academy, listening to me speak about my mother. Charlie showing up with the notecard tree, taking me to the farmer’s market. Taking me to the memorial after my disastrous date. “Oh God, Charlie, what did you do?” I clutch my throat, preventing it from ripping open. “Don’t tell me you’ve been sabotaging me. Not after I told you how important it was to try for my mother.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

He’s trying to yank me into his arms, but I’d rather die. At this point, I would rather dive out of an airplane than let him comfort me. He’s the reason I need comfort in the first place, and I’m reeling. I’m reeling so hard I’m dizzy, the room twisting around me. “You wanted to go back to just hooking up,” I state. “When did that change? Did you ever really want to be my friend? Or was that all bullshit?”

“Ever.” There’s a tremor in his voice. Like he already knows I won’t appreciate his answer. “I fooled myself into thinking it was bullshit, but cutie, you have to believe me. I was in love with you the whole time. I was running all over town trying to make sure someone didn’t steal you away from me.” His fingers rake through his hair. “I was a goddamn idiot for believing I would do that unless there was something real here. And we’re the realest thing out there, Ever. You know we are.”

“How can you say that when you’ve been lying to me? Disregarding something you knew was important to me.” My voice has been reduced to a whisper. All I can see is Charlie’s earnest face, acting surprised to see me after I’d been humiliated at speed dating. The firmness of his handshake when we decided to be friends. The words he’d said when we had sex on the couch. No one moves like us, Ever. No one talks to each other without words like us. Don’t you know that? “All you wanted was to get me back into bed.”

“No.” His face is white as a sheet. “No, I thought that’s all I wanted. Ever—”

“I have to get away from you.” And I really do. I’ve dropped from the highest high into a lake of razors. I need to go somewhere dark and sort through what I know. To judge the extent of the damage. There’s one fact that is unshakeable, though, and it’s that Charlie has made me a complete fool. “Who do you think you are? Messing with my life like that? How dare you, Charlie? How dare you?” Tears roll down my cheeks and he sucks in a breath, watching them travel down, down. “Did you think it was funny? Ruining my dates so I would come running back for the no-strings sex?”

“It was never funny being without you. Not for a second.” He’s talking very slowly, very quietly, as if he’s mere seconds from losing his sanity. “Ever, please don’t leave me. You can’t leave me when I love you so much. Please. I’m begging you to comb through this with me, second by second, so I can tell you what I was thinking. I need to make you understand.”

“I don’t trust you to be honest. I don’t think I’ll ever believe you again.”

The words burst out of me and pop in the air. Bright red fireworks. Charlie falls back and bumps into someone, but doesn’t seem aware of it. And I take that opportunity to push out of the restaurant and run for the train, my heart dragging behind me on the filthy sidewalk.





Chapter 26





Ever


I’m sitting in the living room with Nina and my mother watching The Dog Whisperer, eating cheese Danishes. Perhaps not conventional break-up remedies, but we’re working with what we’ve got. Nina apparently retrieved my mother’s phone number from my cell while I was indulging myself in a crying jag under my pillow, because she arrived in a perfumed flurry an hour ago, bakery box in hand. My hair is wet from the shower they forced me to take against my will, and I’m letting it drip all over the couch cushions in protest. Weirdly, that tiny rebellion is making me feel less shitty. But I’m nowhere near better.

It’s Tuesday afternoon, and I’m still in this weird bubble. A bubble filled with fog. After the scene with Charlie, I dived into a yellow cab, floated up the stairs to my apartment in a blur and crawled under my comforter. My cell phone went absolutely bonkers at first—guess who—so I shut it off. An hour later, my apartment buzzer started going off nonstop, so I did the mature thing and disconnected it from the wall with a butter knife and scissors. Really short sighted, considering my super will probably take six months to repair it. Something tells me he won’t be thrilled with the excuse, “I needed to have a think-cry and the noise was distracting.”

Charlie could have easily gotten into the building—by charming a female neighbor or flat out breaking the door down—but I think he knows I would deck him if he didn’t respect my free will, while I’m contemplating murdering him over that very same thing.

Here’s the thing. I know Charlie meant it when he said he loves me. I sure as shooting meant it, too. My dilemma is whether or not I’m still willing to form a relationship with someone who acted so selfishly. Someone who hurt me, whether or not it was intentional. After my mother’s revelation about loneliness, I was scared. I confided in Charlie the importance of following through on my promise to my mother, and he still tried to ruin my chance at a committed relationship.

On top of everything, I’m embarrassed. So very embarrassed. I cringe every time I think of my wide-eyed optimism the night he saved the catering event. Or how I shook his hand after the speed dating debacle and agreed to try to be buddies. Maybe he really does want to be my friend, I’d thought both times. Was I really so stupid and na?ve?

I fooled myself into thinking it was bullshit, but cutie, you have to believe me. I was in love with you the whole time.

My heart lurches and tears spring to my eyes. Dammit, I miss him so much my bones ache. Can I believe him when he says he loved me the whole time? After all the lies of omission and letting me think he was someone else?

Every time I think about him pretending to be Reve, I growl. And right now is no exception. Nina’s and my mother’s gazes bounce between me and the television, obviously not sure if the sound came from me or one of Cesar Millan’s dogs.