CLARISSA
After a wonderfully romantic weekend getaway with Grant to his family’s amazing home in Montecito, I find myself falling for him more than I ever imagined I would let myself. I’m ill-equipped to give my body without my heart since the only other person I gave myself to I loved at the time.
When I’m with Grant, the rest of the world melts away and it’s just us enjoying each other oh so intimately. He makes me feel taken care of and cherished when we’re together. The age difference never crosses my mind, but when I’m back on campus or hanging out with my friends and roommates, I start to feel conflicted and torn inside. It’s like I’m living this secret life with Grant, which in essence I am. Then I start to feel a bit stifled when I go to a party with Deena and I’m not “Free” like she is. Free to enjoy whomever I please, take Jason Bancroft for example. If I wasn’t sleeping with Grant, would I go for Jason? Most likely the answer would be yes. Then I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for thinking these thoughts.
Grant does seem to act fairly devoted to me at the moment. He’s still guarded about some things, but I do sense his vulnerability underneath that Alpha Male exterior. I can tell he battles with letting me enjoy myself at parties, but then his not wanting anyone else in my panties comment is his way of saying he want us to be exclusive. I get that, but I’m only 19 and just starting this whole world of new college experiences that I’d like to embrace and have fun with. I’m happy and sad at the same time.
Now I see Jason walking over towards me with that panty melting smile of his spread across his handsome face. We’re meeting for lunch today between classes. He has made the effort to be friends with me even though he knows I’m seeing some secret lover that I never want to talk about with anyone, even my roommates still don’t know.
“Hey Clarissa, what are you in the mood for today?” he asks, throwing his backpack on the empty chair next to me.
“Mexican sounds good,” I say, and he automatically knows what I want.
“Mexican it is. I’ll be back in a few,” he says, and trots off to get our lunch.
When Deena joins us for lunch, she usually rolls her eyes at how attentive Jason is to me. She can’t seem to figure out for the life of her why on earth I’m not with him instead of this guy from High School who she thinks is my secret lover boy. Today she shows up while Jason is getting our lunch and she decides to give me a hard time.
“What’s going on with you girl? Jason has it ALL going on, looks, hot body, money and he’s into you. What are you waiting for?” Deena asks.
“It’s not that easy for me, it’s complicated,” is all I offer.
“Is this mystery lover boy that good? He must be if you’re going to pass on THE Jason Bancroft,” Deena continues to ride me.
“Look the only reason Jason thinks he wants me is because I’m not falling all over him like half these girls here. It’s a conquest thing for him. He can’t be serious about me. I’m sure he’s a much better friend than a boyfriend anyway. Have you seen that crowd of frat bad boys he runs with? He acts differently when he’s with them,” I explain to Deena.
“Man, all I know is that I wouldn’t be turning that body down,” Deena sighs.
“Alright already, here he comes,” I warn her.
“Hey Deena,” Jason says.
“Hi Jason,” Deena replies, batting her eyes at him, oh brother. Please spare me. But Jason doesn’t seem to notice the affect he has on most girls. I notice the girls practically lining up for him. I can only imagine what his sex life must be like living in that frat house. I try to avoid that place. He invited me to his beach house but I declined because I want to spend my weekends with my sexy Professor, my secret addiction. I really think that’s what it’s come down to. I’m addicted to the out of this world sex with him! I almost have to laugh at myself, it scares me. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen. He has ruined me from wanting to be with anyone else. So far no one has been tempting enough. Although right now I’m noticing how tight Jason’s shirt seems today, tight in all the right places showing off his biceps and chest. Bet he’s got six packs or eight packs under that t-shirt. I see him roaming around campus with his Posse of naughty frat boys, with beautiful college coeds hot on their trail.
“Have you got the latest paper finished for English?” he asks me.
“Just about. How is yours coming along?” I ask.
“I’m struggling with it and will be in the library until late tonight trying to get it done,” Jason replies.
“I’ll come meet you and help you,” I volunteer feeling sorry for him. He is an adorable hunk of a guy and such a gentleman around me.
“Really? I could use your help. Meet in our usual spot after 3:00?