I swallowed hard. The weekend before, Ezra and I had been watching a movie with my brother and his girlfriend in the common room of Harvey House, his dorm. I’d been lounging on the floor in front of the couch where Ezra was sitting. He kept tapping my shoulder, and when I’d turn around to see what he wanted, he pretended he hadn’t touched me.
When my brother left to go make out with his girlfriend, Ezra patted the couch next to him and smiled. With a deep breath, I crawled up to sit beside him, close enough that our thighs touched. At seventeen, Ezra was two years older than me, and he played goalie for the soccer team. He’d had a slew of girlfriends, all of whom were sweet to me, but I had to hate them on principle because I was in love with him. His experience with girls intimidated me. My sister told me he’d lost it when he was fifteen, with a girl on a mission trip to Panama. I prayed it wasn’t true, even though it likely was.
It was a nice surprise to hang out that night. According to Oliver, Ezra generally spent Saturdays running poker games in Harvey House, gambling with other boys for real money. Instead, he was sitting on the couch with me. I shivered with excitement. He’d finally stopped looking at me as his best friend’s annoying little sister. I knew this because when I wore my first real string bikini that past summer, he checked out my boobs.
During the movie, he threw his arm across the back of the couch, behind my shoulders. I caught him looking at me out of the corner of his eye, and for a few minutes, he gently played with my hair.
Nothing else happened that night—well, except for people getting eaten by dinosaurs during Jurassic Park—but I could feel the crackle of anticipation between us. I’d saved everything for him. My first kiss, my first hookup, my virginity. I wanted him to have them all.
But on the night of my cotillion, after I’d spent an entire day at the spa prepping for what was going to be the best night of my life, I waited.
I waited and waited for Ezra.
His parents, who had also been invited, came over to wish me a happy birthday. “We sent a car to the school to collect Ezra for the party,” his father grumbled, “but our driver said he wasn’t at the dorm.”
Mrs. Carmichael clutched her husband’s elbow and spoke in a rushed, worried voice. “And he’s not answering his cell.”
“Typical Ezra,” his father said with a grimace, squeezing his champagne glass so hard, I expected it to shatter.
Oliver, who’d come home with me on Friday to help get ready for the party, had no idea where Ezra was either. “I hope nothing’s wrong,” my brother said. He and Ezra were completely loyal to each other, and Oliver couldn’t believe Ezra would purposely miss my birthday.
Guests came to the tent in our backyard, drank champagne, danced under twinkling bright lights, and left.
And he never showed.
Jenna gave me hugs and passed me tissues as I cried.
The next day, I heard from Madison that he had snuck off campus, driven down to Chattanooga with Mindy Roberts, and hooked up with her.
He missed my sixteenth birthday party to fool around with another girl.
Monday in the hall at school, I confronted him. “I got my hopes up…and then you didn’t show. Waiting for you sucked.”
With a red face and watery eyes that wouldn’t meet mine, he said, “I’m so sorry I missed your party, Tee. Seriously.”
But he gave no excuse.
That wasn’t good enough. I’d been waiting for him, for our moment together, for years. Well, no more. I would like other guys. Better guys. Guys who wanted to kiss me. Guys who didn’t leave me hanging. Guys who didn’t flirt without ever making a move…
I decided to stop crushing on him, but no one else made me shiver with the slightest touch. Made my heart beat frantically just by appearing before me.
Then I met Ben, and I forgot all about how Ezra had let me down. Of course, Ben turned out to be a mistake too. Boys just aren’t worth the letdown.
Here in the present, I tell Ezra that I need to do my homework.
He holds my gaze for a few moments, then pulls his car keys from his pocket. “You have my number if you want to talk.”
He starts toward the foyer right as Mom is returning to the living room with a tray of iced tea. He kisses Mom’s cheek, and before he leaves, he turns to look at me again.
“Who cares if the soccer team sucks? If you want to play, play.”
Then he’s gone.
? ? ?
I can’t stop thinking of Ben.
After Ezra left, I holed up in my room. The shock I felt earlier this week is slowly starting to wear off, and my emotions are bleeding through. I’m trying not to cry, but it’s hard. How could Ben love me and still do what he did?
He loved me. I felt it every time he squeezed my hand. His hugs were the best, and he lived for kissing me.
“I love your lips,” he’d say when we’d sneak under the staircase for a quick make out session between classes. Sometimes, his hands would inch under my plaid skirt and cup my bottom through my underwear.
Just thinking about it turns me on. Well, that would be a way to pass the time. I hop up to lock my door, lie back down on my bed, and close my eyes. I don’t need guys. I can take care of my needs myself.
But when I slip my hand down into my underwear, I discover that’s not exactly true. What’s the fun in making myself feel good if I don’t have a guy to fantasize about…touching me, smiling at me, groaning at my touch?
The first time Ben and I went to third base, I got scared. I’d never touched a guy there before, and when I saw him naked, I was afraid that when we did have sex, it would hurt. I knew he was a virgin too. What if we did it all wrong and it sucked? From the look on my face, Ben could tell something was up.
“What’s wrong?”
I looked down at his body. It was bigger than I expected. “I don’t see how it will ever work. You know, if we—”
He gently touched my cheek, urging my face to meet his. “Don’t worry, Tee. If and when you’re ready, we’ll figure it out together. I love you no matter what.”
My phone buzzes, jolting me from the memory. Ben’s picture flashes on the screen. I don’t pick up. Hot tears burn my eyes.
The last time he and I were together was last Friday night. The night I took the fall for him.
That Thursday, St. Andrew’s had a game against Grundy County. When I scored the second goal, my team circled me with hugs, jumping up and down, and the thrill carried me until the end of the game. I was pumped about our win, but I had to scramble for a quick dinner before studying for my first college test.