Sadness filled Madeline’s heart, mixing with the frustration that still raged through her being. Pinching her eyes shut, she tried to take deep breaths as all those contradicting emotions began to tear at her from all sides. She had been torn from a life she had never truly wanted. Still, the life she had lost seemed the only life where she had a place. Where she fit in.
At the same time, she had never wanted to marry a man like her husband and share the life he lived. Nevertheless, she could not help but regret that she was not the kind of woman he needed…or wanted.
What was she to do? How was she to keep from losing her sanity when all she felt was pain and regret? When hope was nowhere in sight?
Despite the fatigue that clawed at her limbs, Madeline felt as though she could run to London and back, her insides quivering with the need to move, to do something…because if she stopped, the hopelessness of her situation would crush her. Gritting her teeth to keep from screaming in frustration, Madeline felt her muscles tense, demanding to be let loose, to be allowed to run from this place. But she could not.
No matter what, she had to stay.
She was married.
She had spoken vows.
Her fate was sealed.
With a guttural growl tearing from her throat, Madeline snatched one of the jugs off the floor and hurled it at the opposite wall where it burst into a thousand tiny pieces. Watching them rain to the floor, Madeline imagined her heart shattering in much the same way. Once broken apart, it could not be put back together.
Gazing at the many minuscule shards, Madeline shook her head, knowing it to be impossible.
An impossible task.
In the next moment, the door to her chamber burst open and her husband rushed in, his eyes wide and muscles tense as he stared at her.
Then his gaze drifted to the floor, and his jaw clenched.
Chapter Twenty ? An Error in Judgement
“What did you do?” Derek asked, his gaze shifting back and forth between the broken jug on the floor and his wife as she stood in the corner, her eyes wild as she seemed to be fighting an opponent he could not see.
A touch of relief filled him to see that she was not in any danger.
At the sound of his family’s worried voices, he turned down the corridor, shaking his head at them as they rushed toward him. “She’s all right. It was only an accident. Go back downstairs.” Then he stepped into the room and closed the door before they could object and demand further details.
Taking a deep breath, Derek debated how to react. From the look of it, Madeline was experiencing some emotional upheaval, making him wonder what it was that had her so distraught. Had something happened of which he was not aware? Had he insulted her somehow? After all, her anger was usually directed at him.
“You ruined my life!” she growled as though in answer to his thoughts, her body tense and her eyes ablaze with outrage. “Why did you come after me? Why could you not have left me alone?” Desperation slowly came to her voice, giving it a painful tone that clutched at Derek’s heart. Was it truly so horrible for her to be married to him?
Anger surged to the surface of his own heart at her continued accusations, and Derek balled his hands into fists to keep from lashing out at her. “I apologise for what happened that night,” he forced out through gritted teeth, “as I have apologised before.” Taking a step closer, he held her gaze, and something in the way he looked at her seemed to douse the flames that danced in her eyes. “I will not live my life apologising for an error in judgement?”
“An error in judgement?” A deep frown came to her face. “That’s what I am to you?”
“Life is what it is,” Derek continued, ignoring her, not daring to answer such a potentially destructive question. “No good ever comes from regretting the past or continuing to dwell on it.” His gaze softened as he held hers. “Make your peace with the past, and then look to the future. Find a way to live your life here at Huntington House without regret, but with pride.”
For a long moment, she remained quiet, the look in her eyes distant, and Derek wondered if she had even heard him. Then slowly she returned to the here and now, and her eyes closed briefly as though she could not bear to look at him. “With pride,” she whispered before her dark green eyes met his. “How can I when I have nothing to be proud of?”
Resentment surged to the surface of Derek’s being as she once again belittled his accomplishments, his home, his family, his position in life. Was nothing ever good enough for her?
Irritated by her complaining, Derek was about to tell her exactly what he thought of her when tears suddenly welled up in her eyes and she shrank back, shaking her head as though pleading with him to leave her alone, to not attack her further. “I cannot contribute anything,” she chuckled, a touch of hysteria to her voice, “for I have nothing to offer.” From one second to the next, she stilled, and her gaze held his, intense and unwavering, open and honest, holding nothing back. “This is not the life I was raised to have, and I do not know how to live it.”
Staring into her eyes, Derek saw the truthfulness of her words, and he could not help but admire her for revealing such a vulnerable side of herself. Slowly, he realised that she had never meant her words as an insult to him, but as a painful truth about herself, about how she saw herself. As confident as she appeared to those around her, in truth, Madeline had a very low opinion of herself, of her own abilities, of her own worth.
Taking a careful step closer, Derek swallowed, his gaze holding hers. “I was never meant to be a baron,” he said, knowing that he ought to repay her for the trust she had just placed in him. A relationship, any good relationship, was based on equality, and her confession had just tipped the scales. Now, it was up to him to bring them back into balance. “I never wanted to be a baron for those belonging to upper society have always been the epitome of indifference, vanity and egotism to me.” He shrugged. “Now that I’m one of them, what does that say about me?”
As her chest rose and fell with even breaths, her eyes held his, searched his, a touch of recognition, of understanding in them that warmed his heart. Carefully, she took a step closer, the look in her eyes asking for more, begging for more, as though his own doubts and conflicting emotions were a balm to her soul.
Nodding, Derek drew in a deep breath. “All my life, I’ve seen people of the ton as the embodiment of all that is wrong with this world. They do not care about anyone but themselves. They do not even see the suffering that is right before their eyes. They live in their own world, ignoring the fact that others slave until their fingers are bloody.”
At his words, she closed her eyes, and her tears spilled over, running down her cheeks. When she looked at him again, Derek saw a touch of guilt, of embarrassment in those dark green eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, wringing her hands. “You’re right. We are like that.” She swallowed. “I am like that.”
Derek shook his head. “You’re not.” Her gaze narrowed. “I was wrong.” Taking another step closer, he reached for her hands, finding them chilled as they rested in his own. “I’ve seen the world as black and white, and I’ve ignored every evidence to the contrary. But now, I’m beginning to see that good people can be found everywhere.” A soft smile came to his face as his mind drifted backwards. “Years ago, the man I now would not hesitate to name as my closest and most trusted friend selflessly and without agenda came to the aid of…one I hold dear,” he continued, unwilling to reveal his sister’s secret without her consent. “He never expected to be repaid for his help. He did what he did because he saw someone in need, and he wanted?truly wanted?to help simply because he has a compassionate heart.” Looking deep into his wife’s eyes, Derek nodded. “That man was Tristan Turner, Viscount Elton, a member of the ton.”