“You like Collin?”
Again, Madeline shrugged, realising that she had never thought about it. “I don’t know,” she said, trying to find the right words to describe how she saw her little nephew. “He’s so…so tenacious. He knows what he wants, and he is not afraid to fight for it. At the same time, he is very sweet and compassionate.”
“It sounds like you admire him,” Elsbeth commented, the corners of her mouth drawn up into a delighted smile. “Does that frighten you?”
Madeline drew in a slow breath, her gaze fixed on the horizon as the clouds moved across a greying sky. “How can someone so young be so…so at peace with himself?” she whispered into the wind. “I’ve spent my whole life searching for the person I wanted to be, the person that was simply me, and I still am not sure if I’ve found her or if I’ll ever find her.”
“You worry too much,” Elsbeth spoke from behind her. “You are who you are simply by being yourself even if you do not have the words to define who that person is. I’m certain Collin does not worry about that.”
Madeline chuckled, then turned to look at her friend. “I suppose not.”
“What about your husband?” Elsbeth asked as she stepped forward, her gaze seeking Madeline’s. “Have you spoken to him?”
Madeline snorted, “Argued is a more appropriate word. We seem to be unable to engage in a civilised conversation for longer than a few minutes.”
“What do you argue about?”
Sighing, Madeline shrugged, “Sometimes I think it’s nothing specific. We are simply very different people from different worlds, and sometimes I think that is the reason why we cannot seem to find the right words to say what we think and how we feel.” As the last word left her lips, Madeline’s eyes grew wide and she sucked in a sharp breath.
“How you feel?” Elsbeth enquired, reaching for Madeline’s hands when she tried to turn away. “Don’t run. You know you want to talk about this or it would not have slipped from your tongue.” With an encouraging smile, Elsbeth gazed into Madeline’s eyes, her hands still wrapped around her friend’s. “You feel something for him, don’t you?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“You’re afraid so? Why would you say that?”
Madeline shrugged, trying to free her hands from Elsbeth’s grasp, but her friend would not yield. “Because it complicates everything,” she snapped, unable to turn her gaze from Elsbeth’s piercing blue eyes. “We are not a good match. We never would have been. Under no circumstances. But maybe we could have been civil. Maybe we could have found a way to get along despite our differences.” She sighed, feeling the full force of her confusion envelop her. “But now, with the way I’m beginning to f?”
“You’re afraid to have your heart broken,” Elsbeth whispered, a knowing look in her eyes as she spoke, and Madeline realised it had not been a question, but a statement.
“Have you ever felt like that about your husband?”
Her friend nodded. “Of course, I had doubts. Even before we were married. After all, ours was not a love match, either, and I feared that he would not be able to see past my scars and see only me, the person I am and not the person others thought me to be. I was afraid to reveal to him how I felt, afraid he would not feel the same way, afraid to have my heart broken.”
Staring at her oldest friend in bewilderment, Madeline drew in a slow breath. “Why do I not know this? Why did you never speak to me about this before you were married? And even after, I… Now, it seems to me that you’ve always held back in that regard. Did you not trust me to advise you?”
“I never meant to keep this from you,” Elsbeth said in an appeasing tone, her hands gently squeezing Madeline’s. “But back then, you were at a different point in your life. Like me, you were not married and had no experience in that regard. I knew you wouldn’t be able to advise me, and I didn’t want to worry you.”
Madeline sighed, unable to ignore the sting of disappointment about the fact that her friend had not confided in her. “And so, you spoke to no one? You found a way all by yourself?”
Elsbeth shook her head. “No, we all need someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone who will share their own thoughts and feelings.” She swallowed then, an apologetic look in her eyes. “I spoke to my cousin Rosabel. At that time, she had been married for over a year, and her own marriage started out like ours. She knew what it meant to fight for her husband’s love, and she knew the fears I had.”
Madeline drew in a slow breath. Of course, Elsbeth’s reasoning was correct, and yet, she had always been a little envious of Elsbeth’s and Rosabel’s relationship. Although cousins, they had always seemed like sisters from the moment Rosabel had come to live with Elsbeth’s family after her parents’ deaths. All her life, Madeline had wished for a sister, someone who would always be at her side no matter the geographical distance between them, someone who would confide in her before anyone else. Deep down, Madeline had always known that Rosabel was Elsbeth’s first choice.
Once again, she could not measure up. As much as she always tried to portray herself as the world-renowned lady, desired by all, sought after by all, Madeline knew that when it truly mattered, no one would choose her. “And what did Rosabel tell you?” she asked, knowing that at least in her own mind she would once more judge herself in comparison to Elsbeth’s true confidante. “What did she advise you to do?”
Elsbeth smiled. “She told me to have faith in myself and in him.” Nodding, she held Madeline’s gaze, her eyes imploring. “She told me that we all are afraid, even the men we marry, that it was important to see the other as they truly are and not in a way we fear they might see us. She told me to be honest and truthful…and to risk my heart for only those who dare to love can ever truly find love.”
Blinking back tears, Madeline swallowed, knowing that she would not have been able to put her friend’s mind at ease the way Rosabel had.
“Look past his title,” Elsbeth urged, “past his humble upbringing and see the man he is. Forming a good marriage takes time and effort, but you have a chance to build a wonderful union, just as you’re building a new home for your family. This is a new beginning. Seize it. Seize this chance. Don’t turn from it and hide because you’re afraid.”
“What if he does?” Madeline asked, unable to stop the tears from spilling over. “What if he turns away…for whatever reason? What if he cannot help but regret that he married me? What if every time he looks at me, he only sees that? Regret!”
Elsbeth shook her head. “You’re allowing yourself to look at him with a fearful heart. It distorts the image you see because it is only a reflection of your own fear…not the truth.”
“I can’t…I don’t know how to…”
“Do you care for him? Or at least, do you think you could?”
Madeline sighed and for a moment closed her eyes. “There are moments when I think I do,” she whispered, reluctant to meet her friend’s gaze. “And moments when I think he cares for me as well, but then in the next, I doubt that he ever could.” Gritting her teeth, she shook her head, her voice urgent and laced with a touch of desperation. “I know in the beginning I judged him harshly and thought myself superior to him. However, now I fear it is the other way around. How can a man with so much skill and confidence, decency and courage care for a woman who knows nothing of the real world? A woman who wouldn’t survive a day outside ballrooms and tea parties? A woman who is nothing but accomplished in the most useless areas of the world?”