“We did.” June hands the baby to Alex and then goes into the hallway where she brings in a car seat and a grey diaper bag that’s overflowing with newborn items. She looks a little awkward carrying everything, but then again, so would I.
“Good.” I pull on the back of my neck, trying to not lose it, despite the anvil of pain weighing heavily on my chest. “Did you finally come up with a name?”
When we initially met, I asked them if they had some names in mind and they weren’t really set on anything. Before we left, Alex pulled me to the side and said that they were holding off on a name, in case I changed my mind. She said it would be too devastating on June to once again, name a baby she wasn’t able to call her own.
I swore to Alex that day, that June would finally get her baby, and nothing was going to stand in her way.
And nothing has.
The paperwork is complete, June is finally a mommy. Fuck, just thinking about giving this woman such a precious gift has me feeling unsteady and wobbly.
“We did come up with a name,” Alex replies, a sincere smile to her eyes.
Clearing my throat, I ask, “What did you decide to name her?”
Pulling her attention away from the baby, June exudes motherhood in that one, shy smile directed at me. “We decided to name her Hope, because you gave us hope, Jace.” Alex wraps her arm around June, and I take in the most beautiful family standing before me. “You took a dreary and arduous journey and turned it into something of hope. You’ve given us something we could never repay you for.”
I nod because my throat is too damn tight to respond. We stand there in silence for a moment before I clear my throat and say, “It’s perfect. And, you don’t need to repay me, just . . .” I take a deep breath, “just keep me updated, send me pictures, come to my games. Please just let her know who her birth father is, let her know that I . . . love her.”
That’s all I want, for her to know me, and the decision I made for her. The hardest fucking decision of my life.
“You will always be a part of her life, Jace, there is no changing that.”
Feeling uncomfortable, I stick my hands in my pockets and stand there awkwardly. Do I leave? Do I watch them dress her? Do I get to say one last goodbye before she starts a new journey? Will they let me?
“Jace,” June cuts in, “would you help us get her ready to leave?”
“Sure.” I smile tightly, not wanting to show too much emotion.
“Here,” June hands me the diaper bag, “there are a few outfits in there, pick one out. I’ll start to get her undressed so you can dress her.”
I spend the next few minutes picking out a flowery dress with matching hair bow and ballet shoe-looking socks. June and Alex lay her on the bed, on top of a pink knitted blanket Alex’s mother made. Hope squirms and quietly grunts as I weave her tiny arms through the dress, her eyes never opening, not once. I just want one peek. Just one chance to make a connection with her. I know she won’t remember, but I will. I want her to see me, not just hear me.
Once I have her dress situated, I put on her socks that are entirely too big for her thin legs, and then I gingerly brush her hair to the side and place the headband gently over her forehead like June directs. When she’s fully dressed, I’m unable to remove my eyes from the beauty below me. Enveloped by the knitted blanket, she looks like an angel, a dream, a true blessing. Together, June, Alex, and I hold each other, one lady on either side of me and we cry together, marveling at the baby below us. How could Rebecca give her away?
Funny, how such a little human can bring three people together. I will forever share this bond with June and Alex, it can never be taken away from us. Until the day I die, I will remember this moment, where three adults formed an unyielding agreement that no matter what happens, we will always put Hope first.
“I guess you should be going,” I suggest. “Can I just hold her one last time?”
“Of course,” Alex says, stepping in and picking up Hope. Carefully, she hands her over to me, the weight of her so light in my arms.
Turning my back for some privacy, I gaze down at Hope, her name so fitting. “Hey, baby girl.” My voice cracks with each word, my heart breaking with each second that brings our time to an end. “I want you to know you are one blessed little girl, having two moms who want you, who prayed for you, who did everything in their power to finally be matched with you. You weren’t a surprise to them, an inconvenience, or a calculated risk. You were sought after, dreamt for, begged for. You are everything they have ever wanted, which only means one thing. Your home, the one you’ll grow up in, will always be filled with joy, with warmth, and with love, everything you deserve.” Tears fall onto her dress and I try to wipe them away, not wanting to soak her. “I love you, Hope. Don’t ever forget that I didn’t give you up because I didn’t want you, but that I placed you with a family who will be able to give you more than I ever will.” Turning around, I see June holding up her camera, taking pictures, and I’m grateful for her capturing these last moments I have with Hope. Taking a deep breath, I glance down at her one last time just as her eyes start to open, her tiny peepers popping open for a brief second, cutting me in half. They are glazed over with sleep but I take this moment, I take it like a greedy fucking bastard and savor it.
Eye contact.
Inwardly, I speak to her, begging her to remember me, to know me, to believe me when I say I love her.
Bringing her up to my lips, I place a kiss on her forehead, breathing in her baby scent one last time and then with a heavy heart, a broken and shattered resolve, I place Hope in Alex and June’s waiting hands. Tears cloud my vision, despair clogs my heart.
I nod, unsure I can say anything else to these two compassionate women, and head for the door just when June stops me. Alex is putting Hope in the car seat when June envelops me in a hug. Standing on her toes, she speaks softly and emotionally into my ear.
“She will always know of your selflessness, she will always know of your sacrifice, and she will always know of your love, of the day you made the hardest decision of your life. Trust me when I say she will emulate every selfless aspect of you, Jace.” Squeezing me, she places a kiss on my cheek and then looks me directly me in the eyes, her soft hands gripping my face. “You filled a hole in my heart that’s been empty for quite some time. You gave us a baby, Jace. I will never be able to show you how truly grateful I am, all I can do is love that little girl to the best of my ability. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”
And just like that, I’m fucking ruined.
DAISY
“Can I help with anything?” I ask, watching my half-sister, Amanda tend to her famous spaghetti sauce over the stove.