Slouching in my chair, I take a casual stance and say, “I’m Carter, and I can’t wait to write some fucking letters.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Jace nod his head, a slight chuckle in his shoulders. Hollyn and Snowflake look less than thrilled by my comment. Snowflake seems like she wants to shrink into her ill-fitting overalls.
“I hope you’ve had time to introduce yourselves,” Marleen cuts in with a clap of her hands. “You will become well acquainted with one another over the next few months, leaning on one another for support and guidance.”
“Great,” Hollyn mutters under her breath, eyeing me up and down.
Feeling is mutual, sister.
Getting serious, Marleen folds her hands in front of herself and says, “We are all here for a reason, whether you want to talk about it now or not, that’s up to you and your comfort level. But you are here to make a change, to explore something new, to find acceptance for your past, and create a new future.”
God, I’m so not interested in this right now.
For the next half hour, Marleen lays out the groundwork for the program, what we should expect and what’s expected from us. There will be a series of challenges we must complete and write about—joy—and we’re required to attend all meetings.
Marleen continues, “The point of this program is to address what life has given you, the cards you’ve been dealt. It’s not about complaining about what you’re going through, but about accepting it and making the most of the life you have. Living life with a purpose, proving your existence.” She pauses and looks around the room. Emphasizing her words, she repeats, “Prove your existence. That’s your new motto to live by. What did you do today to prove your existence, what are you doing tomorrow to prove your existence in this world?”
Prove my existence. Isn’t that ironic. That’s what I’m fucking trying to do, but my uncle is making it practically impossible to do so with his low pay and overbearing eye. And thanks to Sasha . . .
Continuing, Marleen says, “Proving your existence every day isn’t about making a grand gesture, or achieving a goal, it’s about the small things. It’s about getting out of bed, living in the positive, and making the most of the life you’ve been blessed with. Today, you proved your existence by coming to this program, by taking a leap into the unknown, by meeting new people. Tomorrow, it may be something as simple as writing a letter to life. Proving your existence is about the intent of taking one smaller step toward your goals in life.” Glancing around the room with her hands clasped in front of her and a sincere look on her face, she says, “I know why some of you are here. I know the struggle you may be enduring, the depression you might be in, or the nervousness of the unknown.” Marleen looks at Snowflake for a second and then addresses the room again. “Whatever brings you here today, be sure to know, you’re not in this alone.”
Beside me, Snowflake nods her head, as if what Marleen is preaching is hitting her straight to the soul. Hmm, she wants to start a new chapter. Despite not wanting to be emotionally invested in anything, I can’t help but be curious. What is going through Snowflake’s mind? Whatever affected her can’t be that drastic. She’s far too simple and sheltered to have experienced true hard knocks.
“Today isn’t about fixing anything though,” Marleen says, pacing the room, her one-inch heels clicking across the lacquered floors. “Today is about grieving. Today is about accepting why you’re here and being mad about it. Today is the one day in this program that you’re allowed to be angry, to lash out, to allow the pain you’ve been carrying around to seep from your soul and onto the paper in front of you. Through the course of this program, you’ll be writing to life, explaining your thoughts and feelings, like a journal. It will be a cathartic experience for those truly invested in this program.” Clapping her hands together, the sound echoing through the sterile cinder-block walls of the room, she adds, “It’s time to grieve. Leave it all out on the paper. Take this moment and let go of the worries, the fears, the demons. Lay it all out. Because the point of this program is to move on, to create anew, but you can never truly and freely move on until you fully feel your anger. Let your anger consume you, let it eat you up and then write it all out, leak it onto the paper. Take your time, and when you’re done, drop off your letters into the box up front.”
What? We don’t keep the letters? Who wants some random person reading their letters? And who the hell has the job of reading them?
“Don’t worry,” Marleen continues. “Your letters won’t be touched. They are sealed by you and will stay sealed.”
Well, that solves that small panic. Thank fuck.
“For the rest of the evening, you are welcome to talk to your group or just write your letters. Either way, I want you to bundle the anger you’ve been harboring and bleed it out. Please be sure to see your goal for the upcoming weeks and be prepared for the next meeting. If you have any questions, you have my contact information in the folder.”
With that, Marleen tends to her desk where she sits down and starts sifting through the NDAs. Other groups begin to quietly chat while our circle sits in silence.
“Um, can I say something?” Snowflake chimes in as we all stare at the blank gender-neutral stationery in front of us. No one answers her but we do give her our attention. “I haven’t really been exposed to many social settings, so this is incredibly uncomfortable for me, and I might be a little off-base when I say this, but I’m going to go for it anyway.” Turning to Jace she says, “From the darkness in your eyes, I have a feeling you’re really going through something heavy, and Hollyn, it’s obvious that you’re hurting from how closed off you are.” Turning to me she flippantly says, “And it’s obvious you don’t want to be here for who knows what reason, but I want to be here. I want to make a change, so instead of all of us sulking and being closed off, why don’t we make a pact now. Let this program be our New Year’s resolution. Let’s hold each other accountable and take this program seriously because if anything, we can at least appreciate the need for something to change in our lives.”
Isn’t she just adorable with her go-get-’em attitude? The girl has a lot to learn. I’m about to say something sarcastic when Jace sits back in his chair and nods his head.
“She’s right. If we’re going to be here, let’s make the most of it.” Come on, Jace.
“I’m in,” Hollyn says with a shrug of her shoulder, looking slightly excited but trying not to show it. No surprise there, she likes to jump on the bandwagon.
Looking around the circle, I ask, “Is this where we all put our hands in the middle and cheer?”
“Don’t be a dick, Carter,” Hollyn chastises.
I smirk, pen poised on my stationery. “I’m not, just a wondering mind, that’s all.”
“So it’s settled?” Snowflake asks, hope in her eyes. “We’re going to do it? Our New Year’s resolution?”