Hollyn.
Curled up, her legs tucked under, and her hair draping around her face, she looks defeated. She can’t stick around for the game but she can come to my temporary apartment after. I want to be the man she needs, the one who’s going to hug her and be understanding, but that man is nowhere to be found right now. Instead, I’m a volatile and angry man with the need to get drunk.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, looking for my house key. “Where’s Daisy?”
From my voice, she stands abruptly. Carefully, she tucks her hair behind her ear and shifts in place.
“She’s taken care of, don’t worry.” She takes a deep breath. “I want to apologize.”
“For what, Hollyn? For giving me the feeling that you actually might want to move on? That maybe, there is a shred of hope for a relationship between us, that maybe, just maybe you might be falling for me like I’ve fallen so fucking hard for you?”
“Jace . . .” Her trembling chin briefly pulls my attention away from being mad, but only briefly.
“Why did you leave, Hollyn?”
Watery eyes meet mine. “It was too much.”
“Yeah, well, that’s life for you, Hollyn.” Frustrated, I grab the back of my neck and look down at her. “Life isn’t some walk in the park where you can make wishes on dandelions. Life is work. Life is a journey of triumphs and sorrows. Of successes and failures. Of learning experiences and growing opportunities. You can’t sit back and expect different results when you’re not doing anything to change.”
“I’m trying,” she cries.
“You say you’re trying, Hollyn. But those are just empty words now.” Closing the distance between us, I point to her chest and say, “In order to grow, you have to try from here.” I touch her heart and then her head. “And here. You can’t just outwardly try, you have to dig deep inside of you and actually want to try. You have to want to make a change. You have to want to let go. From where I stand, I don’t see you actually wanting to let go. And hey, it’s my fault for trying to push you when you weren’t ready. I take the blame. But I can’t journey on this ride anymore. If today isn’t an example of that, I don’t know what is.”
“You aren’t exactly letting go either, Jace,” she counters, her chin lifting as she speaks. “You speak of change, of making a difference in our lives, but you still haven’t gone to visit Hope despite the open invitations from June and Alex. You can’t even talk about her. You can’t talk to me about changing your life when you’re just as stagnant as me.”
“Don’t.” I shake my head. “Don’t turn this on me.”
“Why the hell not? We’ve been in this together since the very beginning. Be honest, right, Jace? Isn’t that the motto our relationship was based upon? Well, this is me being honest. You’re not growing either. Every day, you dive farther and farther into a sorrowful, self-pitying hole. If you were truly interested in making a difference, you would.”
“Not to be a dick, Hollyn, but I just recently gave up my baby. You’ve been grieving for almost two years.”
Stepping back, she folds her arms over her chest. “Not to be a dick? Well, newsflash, that’s a dick thing to say. Fuck you for judging me on my grieving process. You chose to give up your daughter, I had no choice in the matter when Eric was taken away from me.”
“I didn’t want to give her up,” I shout, probably waking every single one of my neighbors. “You don’t think that was the hardest decision of my life?”
Sighing, she relaxes her arms, her face turning sincere. “I know it was hard, Jace. I’m sorry.”
“Christ.” Defeated, I sink down on the ground, my back to the wall. Hollyn joins me. “And here we’re supposed to be working on our acceptance. Pretty sure we’re both still back at step one. Grieving.” I take her hand in mine and kiss the back of it before placing it back on her lap. “We can’t do this together anymore.”
“What?” Her head whips toward mine. “Jace, this is just a little fight. We’re each other’s support system.” Are we? Or perhaps that’s actually all we will ever be. She’s in love with someone else and probably won’t ever love me. I had wanted more, but I can’t keep sustaining this level of pain from so many directions. I’m better off alone.
“And I will be cheering for you from the sidelines, but we can’t be involved anymore. We’re tearing each other down more than lifting each other up. I’m looking for a relationship you’re not ready for, and your reluctance is shredding me each and every day. We’re toxic for each other right now, Hollyn. It’s not healthy.”
“You can’t leave me, Jace. I can’t do this.”
Turning toward her, I cup her cheek in my large palm and run my thumb under her eye, catching a tear. “You’re stronger than you think, Hollyn. This is on you. You control the outcome of your future, no one else. Take the strength you’ve harvested over the last few months, gather the fire you’ve been burned by, and turn it into something more. Prove your existence, Hollyn.”
Standing, I pull her up with me. Leaning forward, I press a kiss against her cheek, take in her scent one last time and then pull away. “Know I’m your biggest fucking cheerleader right now, but from a distance. Find acceptance for your past, keep Eric close by, but don’t let him hold you back from your future.” Looking her in the eyes, I soak her in one last moment, knowing we will probably never speak again. “God, I love you, Hollyn. I’m just sorry our timing was off.” A sad smile passes my lips. “Maybe in another lifetime.”
One last time I press my lips against hers, vowing this is the moment that will change the course of the rest of my life. She’s right. I’m stagnant. I’m scared. I’m making no movements to change. But that’s over.
Fuck, yes, losing her has affected my game. It’s affected every part of my life. But I need to be Hope’s guardian angel. I need to make sure she gets what’s best for her, because she deserves the best life. She deserves the best of me, and that’s what she is going to get. It’s time to move forward. It’s time to prove my existence.
DAISY
“More tea?”
“Sure.” With shaky, weathered hands, Grams pours me another cup and then hands me the milk and sugar. “Thanks, Grams.”
“Of course.” She bites into another one of the snickerdoodle cookies I made. “You really have become such a good baker. These are delightful.”
“I learned from the best.”