Honestly, what are we supposed to say?
“I see a lot of blank stares. Let me guide you.” Marleen stands and circles the room as she continues. “As a group, we’ve woven through this program taking on tasks and trying to make the most of them, ticking off the checklist, waiting for the next challenge. But have any of you sat back and really assessed where you’ve come from, how far you’ve traveled down this new journey, the new depths you’ve reached? I’m sure some of you have, but I would guess eighty percent of you haven’t. And that’s okay, you’ve been caught up in the moment, but now we must slow down.”
Thankfully, in the corner of my view on the iPad, I can see Hollyn. She’s wearing yoga pants and a tight-fitting, long-sleeve T-shirt. All I want to do is jump through the screen, scoop her up, and cuddle the fuck out of her. I hate that I’m so far away right now. Once again, everything is out of my control.
“I want you to reflect on who you were before you came to the program and who you are now. It’s time to accept the past, what it’s brought you, the lessons you’ve learned, and start accepting the new you.”
Breaking into our groups, we section off, and it’s the first time I notice Carter isn’t sitting next to Daisy. And Daisy, I’ve never seen her looking so dejected. What the hell did that asshole do?
“Where’s Carter?” I ask.
Daisy looks down at her feet, so Hollyn answers. “Not sure. He didn’t show up tonight.”
“Daisy.” I don’t continue until she looks in my direction. Once I have her eyes, I say, “Are you okay?”
A trembling lip meets my question as she shakes her head, no. Shit.
“What’s going on?”
Hollyn answers for her. “Uh, Carter’s ex came back into town. It wasn’t a very good encounter for Daisy.”
“Shit.” I rub my face. “I’m sorry, Daisy.”
She shrugs and in a meek voice, says, “I didn’t put up a fight. It was obvious there was something between them.” A long exhale escapes her. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fair enough.” I glance at Hollyn to read her expression and take it upon myself to say, “Let’s just write our letters and reflect like Marleen said. Daisy, we are here for you if you need to talk. Don’t let this be a setback but rather motivation in the direction you’ve been traveling. You know how to reach me.”
“Thank you, Jace.” She wipes a quick tear away and takes out her stationery. She pulls her feet up close to her and starts writing her letter, tears streaming down her face. It just about kills me.
“Hollyn, could you call me?”
“Sure.”
It takes no time for her to hang up the iPad and call me on her iPhone. When I answer, I say, “I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“Get in line.”
“What the hell happened?”
“I still don’t know all the details. But what I do know is Daisy stayed the night at Carter’s and when she woke up, Sasha walked back in the apartment, gave Carter some money she took from him, and then told him she loved him and wanted him back.”
“Oh, come on. What did Carter do?”
“When she left, he at least chased after her, but when she asked if what they had was real to him, he didn’t answer.”
“Yup, I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“I just don’t get it,” Hollyn comments. “I’ve known Carter for some time now and whenever he’s around Daisy, I see awe in his eyes. He’s a different person with her next to him. Like happiness has finally found him. I don’t get why he wouldn’t answer her.”
“Maybe he still has feelings for Sasha.”
“Maybe.” Hollyn sighs. “I feel so bad for her. Amanda said Daisy has been moping around the house, not even touching her craft table, an obvious cause for concern.”
“She needs to get out. Do you think she would want to come to the game too? I can fly you both down. Has she ever been out of the state? Might be just what she needs.”
“You would do that?”
“Of course. She’s a friend, Hollyn. I take care of my people. Set up the details with her, and I’ll get the tickets.”
“You’re amazing.” She pauses. “Hey, how did your meeting with the lawyers go? You haven’t mentioned it.”
Does she mean the nightmare meeting? The one where my lawyers told me there is a fifty-percent chance this adoption can be reversed? The one where it felt like walls were closing in on me while I gasped for air, air I still haven’t found.
“Not the best meeting. Basically, Rebecca has a good case. I’m at loss as to what to do.”
“And talking to her isn’t working?”
“Not so much. Even if I wanted to give it one more go, to rationalize with her, I seem to blow up every time she’s around. It’s impossible for me to keep my cool.”
“That’s understandable. I wish there was something I could do for you.”
“Just be there, babe. That’s all I ask.”
“I can do that. Hey, Marleen is starting to collect letters, I should probably go write mine. Call me later tonight to hash out details. I’ll be sure to talk to Daisy before I leave.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
The phone goes silent, my empty apartment feeling very lonely all of a sudden. I’ve traveled a bit for baseball, always being a loner when it came to my personal life. But I’ve craved a family, and that’s part of the pain in losing Hope. I’ve felt relief for her to have the family she deserves, but desolated I wasn’t able to keep her to fill that emptiness in my soul. Then Hollyn entered my life, and hell, everything changed. I started to see what it would be like to have someone special in my life, someone I could cherish.
Will she be the one I can finally call my own? I sure as hell hope so because I’ve fallen for her. I’ve fallen for her so damn hard.
***
Dear Life,
I’ve put on a brave face, I’ve tried to exude positivity, but I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach over the idea of going to Jace’s game. I’m terrified.
So many memories and emotions; so much guilt. Can Eric see me now? What would he really think of Jace? Would he approve? Would he want me to find comfort in someone else? If roles were reversed, I don’t know if I would be too keen on Eric moving on, but then again, I’ve always been a very jealous person.
Why can’t I be one of those people who skate through life, never having to really face adversity? Or perhaps, why am I not someone who copes with adversity? You’ve presented me with a challenge I’m not sure I’m strong enough to overcome. Where do I find my strength?
Help me, Life. Help me find the acceptance in my loss. Please, please help me find acceptance. I just want this aching feeling to finally dissipate.
Please.
Sincerely,
Hollyn
Dear Life,
Have you ever had a girl crush? I haven’t, that was until Sasha came along. Have you ever heard that song, “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town? I’m sure you have. I heard it on the radio and haven’t been able to think of anything else.
Just like the song says, I want to drown myself in her perfume. I want her long black hair. I want so desperately to know what it’s like to be her, because she has everything.