“What’s that?” She snuggles into my chest, hugging me tightly.
“You go home with me after the wedding.”
“That’s presumptuous. I haven’t even met the groomsmen yet.” Little minx.
“Don’t even start with me,” I warn. “You’re going home with me.”
“Only if I can drive your bike,” she counters.
“How did this become a bargaining discussion? You’re supposed to be convincing me why I should be going. I don’t understand how this got switched around.”
“It’s because—”
“Is this what you’ve been doing at these meetings?” A deep, semi-slurring voice breaks my connection with Daisy, raising the hairs on the back of my neck. What the fuck? Turning, I see the one man I could go the rest of my life never laying eyes on again.
Uncle Chuck.
My eyes close tightly, wiling him to leave without another word. When I open them, I see him appear from around the darkly lit corner, his belly leading the way, his ever-ready scowl of indignation present.
“What are you doing here?” I shift Daisy behind me, trying to shield her from whatever my deviant uncle is up to.
“Came to check up on you, to make sure you’re actually going to these meetings and completing the tasks. From the look of it, instead of taking part of the class, you’re fucking around like usual.”
“I’m not fucking around,” I grit out, tension rolling off me.
“If I may,” Daisy says, holding up her finger and coming around from behind me, “we are on a break. Carter is very much a participator.”
“Daisy,” I warn.
“What?” She glances at me. “It’s true.” Turning back to my uncle, completely oblivious to the palpable hatred flowing between this ignorant man and myself, she says, “Carter is very active in the meetings. He’s always defending and supporting me.”
Uncle Chuck shakes his head, his jowls jiggling in sarcastic laughter. “Sorry to say, but you’re blind there, sweetheart. The boy wants in your pants. It’s the only reason he’s paying attention to you. Believe me, I’ve seen the way he works.”
A small gasp pops out of Daisy, and I hate the worry I see in her features.
Calmly, I say, “Daisy, go back inside. I’ll be right there.”
“But—”
“Go back inside,” I snap at her, hating the rise in tone of my voice. She needs to fucking listen.
“That kind of tone is never going to get her to spread her legs, son.” Uncle Chuck has his arms crossed, smugness in his stance. Bastard.
Not for long. I charge after him, fisting his shirt and bringing his face close to mine. Daisy squeals from my abrupt actions.
“Go ahead, say one more disgusting and derogatory word about her. I dare you, you piece of shit. I would love more than anything to smash your skull against this concrete.”
“Carter, don’t hurt him,” Daisy cries out.
“I told you to go back inside.”
“Better do as he says,” Uncle Chuck says, his eyes never leaving mine. “I’m sure he doesn’t want me airing his dirty laundry in front of you.”
“Maybe we can all just be friends and talk about our differences,” Daisy offers, shifting in place nervously to the side.
“Yeah, Carter, let’s all be friends and talk. Maybe your little friend wants to talk about Sasha, your girlfriend.”
“What?” Daisy asks on a gasp.
“You motherfucker.” Not even thinking about the consequences, I shove my uncle backward, sending him a few feet into some bushes, holding out on the violent actions I really want to take. Leaving him behind, I press my hand on Daisy’s back and guide her back inside of the church hall.
“You have a girlfriend?” she asks once we are inside.
“No.” I don’t even bother going into everything. There is no need. It’s not true. I didn’t have a girlfriend the minute Sasha took off.
“Then what is he talking about?” She stumbles as we walk down the hallway. I catch her with my hands wrapped around her waist before she falls forward, face first.
“Careful,” I reprimand.
Spinning around, she pokes her chest. “Don’t talk to me like that. Like I’m some juvenile. I may be inexperienced but I’m still a grown-up, I don’t need you treating me like a child.”
“I’m not treating you like a child.”
“You are. You’re trying to shield me. I could have handled that man.”
Frustrated with everything, I run my hand over my face. I know Daisy could have handled my uncle. There is no doubt in my mind that she could have at least killed him with kindness; that’s the kind of woman she is. That wasn’t the issue.
“I wasn’t shielding you from him, Daisy. I know you can handle yourself. I was shielding you from anything he might say about me. You’re already out of my league with your pure heart. I didn’t need him saying anything that might taint your view of me. And that’s exactly what happened.”
“Maybe you should trust me rather than assuming the worst of me, Carter. I can and already have formed my own opinion of you, and I don’t need that man’s help. And right about now, my opinion of you is quite low, not because of what he said, but because of the way you don’t trust me.” She goes to leave but then turns around, determination in her eyes. “Weren’t you the one who said ‘own you’? Maybe try living by your own words, Carter, you might be surprised what you find.”
Without another word, she heads off to the church hall to join the rest of the group, leaving me to chew on my own damn words.
Own you.
Yeah, fuck that. What is there to own? I’m a pathetic mess of a man with no future in sight. Who the hell would want to own that?
***
Dear Life,
Learn something new. That was the task this past session. At first, I thought maybe I let the program down, never really fixating on something to learn, something real. That was until I sat down in class today and listened to Marleen’s story.
Learn something new.
I didn’t learn a concrete task, something tangible that I could hold in my hand like how to throw pottery, or how to make the perfect chocolate soufflé. This was something internal, some serious soul-searching stuff.
I learned something new about myself. There is a strength within me I didn’t know existed. I took a step forward. It was the first time in the past year and a half I blacked out my past and lived in the present. I had no idea I could even do such a thing, to look past my demons, the heaviness of loss weighing over me, and enjoy the moment.
And I did.
The only problem? I feel guilty as hell, even though it felt so good. And I have no idea what my next step is.
Sincerely,
Hollyn
Dear Life,
One step forward, two steps back.
I finally felt courageous and asked for something I wanted. I was so nervous and so unsure. He makes me feel that, and I don’t think that is how one should feel in a relationship.