“Yeah, that’s not happening.” We exchange glances and he looks almost pained. I’m so freaking lost.
Not wanting to end this night on a bad note, I take a deep breath and say, “Carter, I don’t know what happened, but if I did or said something wrong, please let me know.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why—”
“If I don’t take you home now, I’m going to do something I’m going to regret. I’m going to fuck you ten times sideways until I feel a shred of the built-up tension that I’ve felt ever since I met you, ease. It’s dangerous for you to stay here with me. I’m not a good guy, but I’m trying to be one right now. So press those perfect lips against mine for a gentle kiss and then walk with me to my bike. You’re going home.”
A small smile passes my lips. “You can’t control yourself around me?”
He pulls on the strands of his hair and shakes his head. “I’m hanging on by a thread, Snowflake. So come fucking kiss me, and then get your adorable little ass downstairs. You’re going home.”
I saunter over to him where he reaches behind me, presses his hand into my lower back, and pulls me in close, his other hand going to my cheek where he stares at me for a brief second and then kisses me passionately, his tongue wasting no time in meeting up with mine. A small moan escapes the back of his throat, and it’s one of the sexiest sounds I’ve ever heard.
When he gently pulls away, he smiles down at me, his hands holding me in place. “This is a pretty shitty world, but you’re a bright beacon amongst all the dark.”
Does he know he’s my beacon? Because right now, I wouldn’t be able to see past my nose without his guiding light. Even if I told him, I don’t think he’d believe me. Looks like I’ll just have to show him. I just hope I will know how.
CARTER
“Fear is an emotional hindrance on your state of mind. It’s very often as humans we let this emotion prevent us from moving forward, especially in our day-to-day life.” Marleen walks the room as she speaks, her short heels clicking along the concrete floor. “Fear can be debilitating, life altering, so intense and palpable that it paralyzes you. I know. I’ve seen this fear, I’ve faced it head-on.” She pauses, facing the wall and turns toward us. “I’m a recovering heroin addict.”
Prior to her confession, her words were bouncing off the walls, never really sinking in, until she spoke of her past. Recovering heroin addict. Is that even possible? To recover from being an addict of such a destructive drug? In my experience with my parents, there is no recovering, only use after sickening use until you overdose, always chasing that first high, never ever able to obtain it.
The air in the room stills as we all wait for Marleen, perfectly coiffed and pristine Marleen, talk about being a heroin addict. I never would have guessed that.
“There were days that I would lie on my couch, my ex cooking the drug, and not able to move until I got my first hit. I was so dependent, so depressed, so consumed by chasing happiness that I truly never understood what happiness was to me. It got to the point that happiness was the drug for me. That if I didn’t shoot up every few hours, I was convinced I would fall into a deep depression, a depression so cataclysmic that I would want to commit suicide. So I continued to use.”
Sounds about right. She could have been best friends with my parents.
“But then, I got pregnant. On a bender, I was careless, didn’t use protection. The fear I faced the moment I saw the positive test in my hand, it was so consuming, I wasn’t sure if I could even walk out of the bathroom. I was pregnant. And the horrible thing was, I wasn’t scared about raising a baby, I was scared of giving up the only happiness I was aware of. Fear ate me alive, to the point that I kicked up my habit, shooting up more and more every day until I started miscarrying weeks later.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “As I sat there, on my bathroom floor, blood from my baby around me, I wasn’t sure if life could get any more difficult. Instead of accepting fate and pushing past the fear, I let it set the course of my life.”
Walking to the front of the classroom, she says, “Until you face your fears, push through, you will never know what’s waiting for you on the other side. In my instance, I could have been a mother, but will never really know what that’s like now. Don’t let this unpleasant emotion set the timeline of your life, like I let it do to me.”
Clapping her hands together, she scans the room, making eye contact with what it seems like everyone. “Our next journey, if you haven’t guessed already, is to step up and face your fears. Think about what’s holding you back, what’s setting you apart from leaping over that fence and seeing what’s on the other side for you. It’s not until you face your fears that you will finally be able to find acceptance.”
Fear.
My fear doesn’t hinder me, it spurs me on. Fear of not being successful, of making something of myself will do that to you. What’s hindering me is my uncle. How am I supposed to metaphorically and lamely hop the fence if I have no control over it? I need money, I had money, money was taken away, therefore, I need to work again to get more money. No fear in that, just pure hatred.
The session breaks, giving attendees a chance to go to the bathroom before we separate into our groups. Hollyn stands, stretching right before she heads to the bathroom. Jace pauses his FaceTime, leaving me alone with Daisy.
Since I fooled around with her on my couch, I’ve seen her a few times, doing simple things like baking, cooking, and hitting up the local food trucks around the area. Nothing too intimate, nothing cutting close to where we went a week ago.
I still can feel the imprint of her skin on my fingers and for some reason, it bothers me. I’m not stupid. I’m not one of those men who are blind to their feelings. I like Daisy, it’s as simple as that. But what I don’t get is why it bothers me.
Maybe because whenever I’m around her, I can’t sulk and hate life like I want to. I can’t point a finger and tell Life to fuck off. When I’m with Daisy, I feel invigorated, even though everything else in my life sucks. Even though nothing else about my life has changed. I don’t want to rely on her for happiness but damn if I haven’t done just that.
“Are you ignoring me?” Daisy asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
Slouched in my chair, my hands folded in my lap, I take a sideways glance at Daisy. She’s wearing a pair of black leggings, a thick sweater that comes to her upper thigh, and her boots. Her hair is straight, falling over her shoulders, looking extra blonde, extra innocent. She’s so damn beautiful and she has no idea.
“Nah, I’ve got better things to ignore than you,” I answer.
“What does that mean?” Her nose twists in confusion. “That doesn’t seem like a very nice answer, Carter.”
I rub my face while letting out a long breath. “Yeah, I can be a dick sometimes. You should know this by now.”
“You’ve always been nice to me.”