“Listen to me, Vanzir. You are no longer a slave. To anyone. You’re no one’s possession.” I hesitated but then decided what the hell, and pressed my hand to his chest. I could feel his heart beat. Could sense it, really, even though it beat at a different rhythm than humans or Fae.
“What’s in there . . . what’s in your soul . . . it isn’t dictated by your birth. It’s not dictated by how you were treated when you were growing up. Oh, we always carry things around with us, but you’ve come so far since we first met you. You matter to my sisters and me. So don’t you ever let me hear you say you don’t deserve love. Or happiness. Because, dude, you do.”
He took my hand in his, holding it tightly as he stared at the floor. “I don’t know if I can do this. I’m afraid I won’t know how to love a child or treat my kid the way she . . . deserves. I’m afraid of failing.”
“Look at Chase. He was terrified. His father abandoned him. He’s spent his life trying to make bad things better, and I think that part of that’s due to his childhood. But when Sharah had to return to Otherworld, you know how frightened he was.”
Chase had been furious over being shunted into single parenthood. Finally, we managed to help him understand that Sharah’s duty to her race was stronger than her duty to family. And we helped him step up to the gate and take the reins.
“Yeah, I know that. But . . . I guess . . . what if I drop the kid? Or hurt it somehow?”
I laughed, letting go of his hand and clapping him on the shoulder. “I think all parents are probably afraid they’re going to kill their children. It’s an innate fear. I’m sure Aeval will have nannies and governesses or whatever they call babysitters out there. And you’ll make mistakes—so will she. Every parent makes mistakes. But most kids live to adulthood. And no matter how bad you screw them up, trust me . . . I’m pretty sure you’ll do your best to make sure their childhood is nothing like yours was. Am I right?”
He smiled at that, then shrugged. “Yeah. But I draw the line at wearing knee breeches or whatever the Fae nobility wear.”
“You’ll teach your child to listen to punk rock and wear ripped jeans.” I glanced at the clock. “I’d better get downstairs. Sunrise will be along in an hour.”
He nodded. “I’m heading back to the studio for the night. Menolly . . . thanks.” And before I realized what he was doing, he darted in for a quick hug, then dashed away. As the door closed, I stared at it, thinking that Delilah was right. Everything was changing. Nothing would ever be the same. And right now, that felt like a good thing, even if it was a little sad.
I wandered into the kitchen and saw that Hanna had left a bit of washing up to do for morning. I still had about an hour, so I scrubbed a few pots and pans, then dried the dishes and put them away. I glanced around the empty room. Before long, this house would be a whole lot emptier. The giant oak table Smoky had bought would be far too big except for holidays.
Feeling heavy of heart, I slid through the secret door that led to my lair. As I quietly descended, listening to Nerissa’s snores, another thought hit me. Maggie would have to stay with Delilah. I couldn’t take her into a lair of vampires. Camille couldn’t take her out to Talamh Lonrach Oll. And the thought that I’d have to leave the little gargoyle behind hit me like a sledgehammer. By the time I reached my lair, bloody tears were racing down my cheeks.
I crept into the bathroom and cried as softly as I could. I cried for the loved ones we’d lost. I cried because our lives were all changing and it was just hitting me how much I was going to miss the way things had been. I cried because I didn’t really want to be a vampire princess, even though I recognized just how much I would be useful in that position.
And, after I was all cried out, I washed up and then quietly crept into bed beside Nerissa. My love, my rock, the woman who made my life joyous instead of just bearable. She had changed me. She had rocked my world and turned it upside down. As had Smoky, Morio, and Trillian for Camille. And Shade and the Autumn Lord for Delilah.
Maybe some things were worth letting go of the past for. Maybe some changes could be good, even when they were scary. As the rising sun crept over the house, I felt its pull and—as I slid into a deep slumber—a soft, resigned peace filled my heart. Tomorrow night would be a busy evening. I hoped for easy rest and I got it. No dreams or nightmares crossed my path.
Chapter 13