“You don’t know that for sure. Not for certain,” she accused.
“There are no guarantees in this life but the human race keeps pushing on,” I said. “So let me try to say it this way. I’m not leaving you or Charlie, ever! You’re both my girls and no one and nothing is ever going to change that.”
“She’s never called anyone Daddy before.”
“That’s because her real daddy—that would be me—wasn’t in her life yet.”
Chapter Three
Sophie
When I get back to the lake, Charlie is crying while Josh holds her hand in a consoling way.
“Daddy yelled at me.” She sniffles.
“What?” I ask.
“I just turned around for a second to grab her towel because she said she was cold, and when I turned back she was nearly up to her neck in the lake,” Josh explains. “I couldn’t get to her fast enough and I panicked.” He pushes back her wet curls. “I’m sorry I yelled but you scared me too.”
I’m so frustrated! He’s a huge guy and when he gets angry and his muscles coil and his veins pop from his neck, he’s terrifying.
“I need to talk to you for a minute.”
“What?”
“I’ve been doing this her whole life …”
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, Sophie, I’ve heard it all before—let me take care of all the discipline, we have a system, she knows me better—when are you going to start trusting me?”
“I trust you!” I retort defensively.
“No. No you don’t, and you need to.” He takes my hands. “We love each other, and we both love her. I’m going to make mistakes—I’m a first time dad—but you have to back off and let me.”
I don’t think I can. I stare at him.
“Don’t you want me to be Charlie’s dad?” he asks. “If you do, you have to stop getting in the way. I listen to your advice, now you have to trust me.”
“Trust is earned,” I whisper.
“Haven’t I earned your trust?”
I hate myself right now. I hate the imagined damage I can make up in my head and the fear that plays on repeat, telling me it’s only a matter of time before he blows up, before he takes us down with him. It’s all lies, I know it. I feel it! It’s all irrational—I know Josh.
I wait too long to answer him, and the pain and hurt in his eyes turns to anger.
He lowers his voice and leans in to me. “Jesus Christ, Sophie, we’re getting married in three days! And you’re not sure if you trust me?”
“I trust you …” I have to turn this conversation around.
“But?” he says, drawing me out.
“But—”
“I can’t believe there is a but!” Josh’s voice cracks incredulously. “I have to take a walk. I’m sorry I scared you, jellybean. I love you.” He kisses the top of Charlie’s head and walks away without even looking at me.
“Now Daddy’s angry at you,” Charlie says matter-of-factly in a small voice. “I trust Daddy.”
The dam breaks—I kneel in the grass next to Charlie and pull her up into my lap.
“I love you so much, baby.” I can’t stop the tears.
“Mommy … why are you crying?”
“Cause I’m scared, sweetheart. I’m scared.”
I bury my face in the crook of her neck and feed off the warmth she lends me.
***
We drive home in silence, except for Charlie, who sings the pop songs that are playing over her favorite radio station. Things between Josh and me don’t get any better after we get home either; in fact, we pretty much ignore each other into the evening. Later, I put Charlie to bed alone. Usually Josh is a part of that ritual. My heart hurts, knowing I’m the one who’s driving him away. Between my fear and imagination during my waking hours and the blood-chilling images I dream when I’m asleep, I’m acting like a basket case.
I’ve spent so much time with Josh’s family—they’re amazing, loving people—I know my Josh; I’ve seen him at his best and his worst, I’ve seen him under pressure, I’ve experienced him being absolutely furious with me, and I know we’re safe. So why doesn’t that truth stop the panic?
How do I stop the panic? Because I can literally feel it tearing us apart.
I remember Josh’s mom told me once about how she and Colt got through some tough times. She said you’ve got to talk about them. When you put the problem in the light, the shadows can’t stay. They’re swallowed up by the truth in that light. Once the other person can see them too, they lose their power over you.
God knows I need those dreams to lose their power over me. Somehow I’m going about this all wrong.
I pull on my cozy Ugg slippers and make my way downstairs to the kitchen. The only glow comes from the over-the-stove light. It’s quiet and calm, peaceful.
I know what I have to do.
Reaching inside the fridge I take out two glass bottles of low carb beer.
When I find Josh, he’s sitting hunched over on the front porch step with his head in his hands.