But I tell the truth. And that’s what has made me popular.
Political correctness is a smokescreen. In today’s culture we make an effort to appear “inoffensive” (I don’t, that’s why I’m the one writing the book). We are cautious. But to exist this way is in defiance of our natural instincts toward anger and anarchy. Everyone feels these things from time to time. When they are suppressed, awful things can happen—like mass murder.11 The more time you spend trying to tame the beast, the stronger it becomes. Sooner or later we have no choice but to give in to our human nature.
America’s next school shooter won’t be a Milo fan. It will be one of the poor misinformed nose-ringed protestors holding a sign that reads “NO MORE HATE!” Canadian writer Alex Kazemi predicted on my hit podcast that angry lesbians would start becoming school shooters.12 I think he’s absolutely right.
If we are to win the culture war, we must fight hard and have a hell of a lot of fun along the way. The bodies and souls of America’s youth hang in the balance.
In the following pages, I’ll teach you how to cause the same sort of mayhem I do in defense of the most important right you have in America: the right to think, do, say and be whatever the hell you want. In short order, I have assimilated to the American ways of unapologetic free speech, and of putting facts, fun, and fabulousness ahead of feelings.
My motto is laughter and war. Keep reading and you’ll find out how you can become as terrifying to the forces of political correctness and social justice as I am. And you won’t even have to turn gay.
THE ART OF THE TROLL
2016 was the year of the troll. And, as one of the world’s most famous trolls, I have special insight into what that means.
What does it mean to be a troll? If you stray too far into whiny, crybaby social-justice circles, trolling and political disagreement are one and the same. Others see no distinction between trolls and those who send poorly-worded death threats to public figures.
Trolling is far more complicated and joyous than any of that. The ideal troll baits the target into a trap, from which there is no escape without public embarrassment. It is an art, beyond the grasp of mere mortals. It is part trickery and part viciousness.
Trolling has many elements. It’s often about telling truths that others don’t want to hear. It’s about tricking, pranking, and generally riling up your targets. And it’s about creating a hilarious, entertaining public spectacle. The best part is, most left-wingers refuse to accept that they’re being trolled.
Is it any wonder that a fabulous faggot like me is so good at it?
Even calling myself a faggot is trolling you. Calling myself a “fabulous faggot” is trolling you fabulously. It’s an old trick I picked up from drag queens: always tell the joke the other guy is going to tell about you first, and make it funny. It’s an incredibly disarming tactic. It’s like Eminem saying, “Ya’ll act like you never seen a white person before.”
Picking deserving targets, and making them hopping mad, is essential to good trolling. So is annoying both sides. Left-wing reporters describe me to disbelieving readers as a misogynist, racist, white-nationalist alt-right bigot. Actual Neo-Nazis, meanwhile, call me a “degenerate kike faggot.”13
At least one of them must be wrong, but their collective confusion is so glorious that I don’t want to correct either.
This is top-tier trolling: annoying your critics so much they print hysterical lies about you because they can’t beat you on the facts and because you get under their skin so effectively. They torpedo their own credibility and readership while your own fan base grows. Want to know why the trolls are winning? It’s because no matter how much our critics hate us, yell at us, ban us from their comment sections, stamp their feet, throw their toys out of their stroller or pretend that jokes on Twitter can cause physical pain, we’re the only ones telling the truth any more.
To be a good troll, you must have a certain level of disregard for other people’s feelings. But the difference between trolling and cruelty is that cruelty has no purpose except to hurt someone. Trolls may hurt the feelings of delicate wallflowers, but they do so because reasoned argument and polite entreaty have failed. In my experience most of those delicate wallflowers turn out to be sociopathic professional activists cynically playing the victim, trying to persuade you that jokes on Twitter can cause lasting psychological damage.
The most high-minded trolls should troll only in the name of debunking some untruth or exposing wrongdoing or hypocrisy. That’s what I try to do. When I see respectable publications wasting time writing about cultural appropriation, or an innocent joke deemed racist by overzealous ankle-biting bloggers, it’s like my bat signal.
In my mastery of trolling, I am surpassed by one man: President Donald J. Trump. He trolled his way to the presidency. Like me, Daddy, as I like to call him (in itself another troll), only went after deserving targets: the media, Hillary and Bill Clinton, the disabled, and political correctness.
A master showman, President Donald J. Trump can command the media’s attention even though most of their leading lights utterly despise him. Kardashianism, I mean narcissism, rules in America, and if you come across as self-involved enough, journalists will get drawn into the fantasy too. They will follow your every move.