I had to look deep. Dig down past my heart and into my core.
“Roter Himmel is my home,” I say. “Cyrus, he’s made a million bad decisions, done some bad things, but he’s home.”
Eshan doesn’t look so sure about Cyrus. But a hopeful little look sparks in his eyes. “Can I come with? This place doesn’t even sound real. A castle, and you, a queen?” He laughs.
“Yeah, right!” I tease him. “Mom and dad are going to kill you for running off like this. You’re going straight home tomorrow.”
And teasing and laughing, I get one last amazing day with my brother.
Chapter 33
I walk into the shower as the sun rises the next morning. I strip down, tossing my clothes in the bin and step into the cool water.
No hot showers in this region, not this time of year.
As I wash my hair, I think back on this life. Particularly the last few weeks.
I understand now why Cyrus was so anxious for me to die when he first met me. I understand why he was so impatient.
When I told him that I needed some time to close out my life and we bargained for time, it was like a game to him. Cyrus loves his games.
It wasn’t something that really came into play until my life as Antoinette, when Cyrus had already lived life as a vampire for over a thousand years.
I think back on all the little details of our time together in that house in Greendale. The looks he gave me over particular things. Over little things I said. When he took notes of little facts about my life, like how I believed in reincarnation, or the fact that I couldn’t cook anything.
Those were all little signs and clues of Sevan.
But there were other details, too.
The way he held my hand at times. The way he played along with the part of Logan’s boyfriend. The way he charmed my parents and Amelia. The way he saved me from Shylock.
Those details. Those were just about Logan.
And those final moments before I died the first death with this face, the guilt Cyrus admitted to.
My chest aches.
Cyrus has never loved another woman. His devotion and commitment to Sevan is astounding.
But there was that confession just before I died. The guilt of feeling as if I am betraying my wife. Because when I look at you, Logan… And I swear I can remember him pressing his lips to mine just as I died.
I’m ready.
I shut the water off in the shower and I step out.
I’m ready.
I’m going home.
I’m returning to Roter Himmel.
I can announce to the world that the Queen has been found again.
And I’m ready. For Cyrus.
For us.
With excitement, I get myself ready for the day. I dress, I do my hair, put on some makeup. I start packing my things.
I’m so ready.
I consider calling, or at least texting Cyrus, but I smile at the idea of walking up to the castle, as I’ve done so many times before, and surprising him.
I love the look on his face at our reunions.
He might know where I am, that the time is here, but he’s been so understanding in giving me my time to sort through all of these emotions I’ve had to deal with.
I can’t wait to see the look on his face again.
With my bag packed, I step out and follow the sound of voices.
Alivia, Rath, and Nial are all in the dining room talking. Each of them look up as I enter, waiting for whatever new levels of crazy I’m about to unleash on them.
“I’m going back to Roter Himmel,” I announce. “Today. I’m going to fly with Eshan back home, smooth things over with our parents. And then I’m going back to Austria.”
Alivia raises her eyebrows, her expression surprised. “So…so soon?”
I nod. “I needed time to straighten my head out and well, it was some power nap I took.” I laugh at myself. I’m giddy, filled to the brim with anticipation. “And it’s time. I’ve put Cyrus through enough in the past two weeks. I need to go home.”
Rath stands, facing me. His expression is uncertain. Wary. “Logan, are you sure you’re ready?”
I take a step forward, wrapping my arms around him. “I am,” I say quietly. “Thank you. Thank you for coming here with me. And for keeping me safe for the past sixteen years. I’m going home. I think it’s time you get comfortable in yours again, too.”
I let go of him, looking him in the eyes.
And like a weight lifted off of him, I swear I see the burden of protecting me lift out of his eyes.
“I have a favor to ask of you, Alivia,” I say, looking over at her. “There’s still one last piece of my identity I need to fit together.”
She gives me a look of nervous anticipation, and I know she knows what I’m about to ask.
“I want you to come and identify my biological father,” I say. “For my own curiosity, to know my other half. And for safety reasons. I’ve been in these politics for…for a really long time. And there are a million reasons why I need to know who he is.”
Ian walks into the dining room then. His lips are set thin, his body tense.
I know what I’m asking.
For her to return to a place where she was held captive for a month, where she was tortured. And I’m asking her to go find a man she slept with once and then never saw again.
But, I’m asking.
“Of course,” Alivia says, but her tone is tight. “Anything.”
I smile, hoping she can see my appreciation.
So we prepare to leave.
I think I expected this visit to the House of Conrath to be longer. I kind of expected that eventually I’d get to know all of her House members and that at some point Ian and I would hash it out and eventually learn to deal with each other.
But I have such big things on my horizon.
This is just one House. And while it may be my mother’s House, soon I will be involved with the affairs of all twenty-seven Houses. Soon I’ll be dealing with Court again and the significance that my return will mean for our entire world.
Shit.
This is so big.
How the hell am I supposed to handle all of this?
You’re not doing it all on your own, a voice from long ago whispers to me. A voice that is my own.
With our bags packed, everyone gathers in the entryway.
And to my surprise, Ian carries a bag for himself along with Alivia’s.
“Not a chance in hell I’m letting her face Cyrus again alone,” he says to me with a hard look in his eyes that dares me to tell him no.
“Fine by me,” I say, holding my hands up.
“Good luck,” Elle says as she crosses to me, pulling me into a hug. “I hope you find your happiness. Tell Cyrus hello for me.”
“I will,” I promise, hugging her tight. She backs away and I turn to Aster. “It was really nice to meet you, Aster. Maybe you and your mom could come visit me sometime and we’ll get more time to get to know each other.”
She smiles broadly, nodding.
All of Alivia’s house members watch us, studying me. I offer them a little awkward smile, wondering what they’re thinking.
But not really caring.
“Can we hope that with you back, that husband of yours will be content to stay in Roter Himmel for a while?” Christian asks. And there, I see the darkness in his eyes, the darkness put there when Cyrus somehow killed, or was the cause of his father’s death.
“Don’t give us a reason to come back for a good long while, ‘k?” I say with a wink.
He winks back.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Alivia fusses, speaking to Nial Jarvis. “This is so sudden. I feel like I’m just dumping everything on you and running.”
“Things will be fine, Alivia,” he reassures her. “It isn’t as if we haven’t dealt with the unexpected before.”
She smiles, but it’s forced.
In her eyes I can see the terror.
I wonder again: what did Cyrus really do to her?
But I have to force that thought down. The past is in the past and we can only learn and grow from it.
I turn to Rath. “And what about you?” I ask. “Where do you go from here?”