“It’s stupid, I know.”
“That’s not stupid. You lost your parents at a very young age. It’s normal to want to find a home. You found that with Austin. It’s one of the reasons you fought so hard for him. You didn’t want to lose another person over life’s unpredictable circumstances.”
“It’s why I didn’t want him to start working for my uncle in the first place. I couldn’t stop that, so I thought that if I quit partying and doing drugs recreationally with him, he would stop too. But I know… he has to want to, I can’t want it for him,” I repeated the same phrase she had been telling me for months.
“Exactly.”
“One day at a time, right?”
She nodded. “You did good today, Briggs. It will get easier. Learning to love yourself is one of the hardest things for a person to do. Especially for the first time in their life.”
“Yeah,” I shyly smiled and nodded.
“Same next time week?”
“Yes. Thank you, Doctor.”
“Keep writing, okay?”
“It’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.”
And it was.
<>Austin<>
“You know what I did today, baby? I went to the dock with my notebook, and I drew you. I sat there for hours with my feet in the water, drawing. Do you remember the dock? How many times we made love there? It was one of your favorite places to go together. Except this time you weren’t there. I was so fucking alone. I’m always alone. I keep seeing you everywhere, Briggs… You’re standing in front of me right now. Your purple hair is spread perfectly all around your face. I keep catching your smile and placing it on my heart. I haven’t done that to you in years. Do you remember that, baby? I have the perfect view of the sun right now. It’s overlooking the harbor from the warehouse I’m at. I hate this fucking place, but it’s making you glow… you look beautiful, baby. Always so fucking beautiful. I only wish I could still see our babies. I never see them anymore. All I see is you… They left with you, Daisy. They left with their mama.”
I shook away the thoughts.
“Baby… Briggs… Daisy, pick up the phone. I miss you so fucking much. Come home… I’m your home. I need you… where’s my girl? Where’s my Daisy?”
Beep, beep, beep. The line went dead.
“Motherfucker.”
I immediately debated on calling her back, leaving her another message, but I couldn’t remember how many I had already left that day. I was beyond fucked up. My eyes were fluttering to stay open. The drug-induced haze trying to take me down the rabbit hole, but Briggs wasn’t down there. I didn’t want to go where she didn’t exist. She was smiling in front of me. I saw her all the time now, always through the haze of my darkness. She was my only angel among the demons that were around me all the time.
My only light.
My only hope.
She left me over a year ago. I hadn’t seen her, spoken to her, found her... It wasn’t from the lack of trying. I looked for her everywhere, even went as far as going to her uncle’s penthouse. No one answered, though. It was like Miami all over again. I searched to no avail. She was a figment of my imagination. A ghost. All I had were the memories of her, and with each passing day, I went further down the black abyss because it was the only time I saw her. I craved that time with her.
I got to hold her.
I got to touch her.
Love her.
I drowned myself in work, and when I wasn’t working, I was high. Six months after she disappeared, I sold our house. I couldn’t be there anymore. It was too painful to walk past the room that held so many memories. Good and fucking bad. I was renting a small apartment closer to my shop that consisted of a couch and a bed. Everything else went to storage, with the hope that Briggs would come back to me. I barely saw the boys or Alex. It was easier that way, to just be alone. No one knew what I was going through. No one knew about my demons. They all had their perfect fucking lives, with babies and white picket fences and shit.
The haze won out and I shut my eyes, my head falling back against the dirty, mold-infested couch. My spot. Briggs was there though. She was laughing, and dancing around in front of me. Damn I missed that sound. I reached out to touch her and she leaned into my embrace.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry,” I said, struggling to get the words out.
“I love you, Briggs. I’ll always fucking love you. No matter what. Dead or alive. You’re mine.”
I stayed in that shithole for the rest of the evening.
Lost.
Chapter 38
<>Austin<>
“Get up!” someone yelled from above me.
“Mmm…” I stirred, grabbing my head. “The fuck,” I slurred.
I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet and my head was already fucking pounding.
“Carajo! Get the fuck up!” He kicked my bed, making it shake.
“Jesus Christ,” I groaned out, sitting up, and placing my feet on the floor.