After rushing to their room, I skidded through the doorway before Aspen could yell some answer that would probably do no one any good. “No,” I said, lifting both hands and spreading them between the couple where they stood on opposite sides of the room from each other, facing off. “No more. You.” I pointed at Noel. “Take a walk. Right now.”
He glared and even took a step toward me. He looked so hopped up on anger I was sure he would’ve hit me just to release some of the testosterone rushing through him. But very sternly and very succinctly, I ordered, “Go cool off.”
Stopping in his tracks, he took another moment to inhale, and then he nodded and strode from the bedroom.
Aspen immediately burst into tears and collapsed onto the bed, burying her face in her hands. Lucy O continued to scream from down the hall in her nursery, but I walked to my sister-in-law and sat by her, placing my palm on the back of her head.
“I love you,” I said. “We all love you.” I hoped I stressed that enough so she’d understand I meant Noel loved her too. “No matter what.”
A shudder wracked her frame when she sobbed.
I wanted to say more. We were all freaked out about how bad some of her episodes would go. Could she actually become suicidal? The very thought made my stomach lurch with fear. But the baby kept crying. Making her quiet would have to help alleviate some of the tension around here. So I kissed Aspen’s hair and said, “I’m going to go check on Lucy O.”
She nodded, letting me know she’d heard, and I touched her hair again, hoping to God she’d be okay. Then I hurried from the room and down the hall.
“Hey, little girl,” I said in a soft soothing voice as I neared the crib. She quieted just hearing me but still continued to sniff and whimper when I held her against my chest and patted her back. “It’s okay now. Mom and Dad stopped yelling. No reason to get so upset. It’s over, baby girl.”
I paced the room with her until she calmed down completely. Then I checked her diaper, which was full, and I changed that. Afterward, we got a bottle, and I rocked her in the glider, feeding her until she fell asleep in my arms.
Probably about half an hour had passed since I’d come in to check on her before I was laying her limp sleeping body back into her bed. Then I stood there a moment, watching over her before I heaved out a breath, shook my head, and left the room.
I checked on Aspen next. She was passed out in basically the same pose I’d left her, but her face was turned my way with her eyes closed. Her shoulders lifted every few seconds with every breath she took, telling me she was alive, but I still stole silently to her side and gently placed my hand on her cheek a second before I left again.
Not sure what condition I’d find my brother in, I stepped outside into the darkness of the backyard and stopped in my tracks when I heard sniffling from the picnic table.
Fuck. He was crying.
I think I would’ve rather tried to handle a pissed-off Noel.
With no idea what I was going to say to him, I shoved my hands into my pockets and shuffled down the ramp, then to the table and sat on the bench across from him. My eyes began to adjust to the dark just enough to make out him resting his elbows on the tabletop with his head in his hands.
“Both ladies are finally asleep,” I said quietly.
“Good.” He sat upright and wiped his face with both hands. “Thank you. Where’s Beau?”
“He fell asleep watching movies with Teagan so Caroline said he could stay the night.”
“Probably for the best.” His voice sounded hoarse, which killed me.
“Man, what happened tonight?”
He immediately hung his head. “I don’t know. I just…I lost it. I swore to myself when this started that I would never lose my shit. I wouldn’t lose my temper, I wouldn’t yell, I wouldn’t…fuck, but I totally lost it.” He wiped his face again and sniffed. “I can’t believe I yelled at her. I know she can’t help it. I know it only makes things worse. Why couldn’t I just keep it to-fucking-gether?”
I shrugged. “Because you’re human.”
A bitter laugh spilled from him. “A little too human tonight. I can usually read her better. I can tell when she wants space or when she needs me around. I guess she wanted space tonight, except I tried to be there. Big mistake.”
“But a fixable one,” I reasoned. “From what I heard, neither of you said anything that couldn’t be taken back. You’re still… tonight was a hiccup. That’s all.”
“Yeah, but how much longer is this shit going to last? The therapy sessions haven’t worked. The medicine hasn’t worked. Nothing I do works. I just want my wife back. My children want their mother. I want…Jesus fucking Christ, I hate this. I hate being so fucking worthless and helpless to her. I hate not being able to fix anything. Why does nothing I do help her?”