Today was everything I dreamed motherhood would be. The La Lait moms and I met up at the park for a lunch potluck. I brought my Lemon Poppyseed Cake (it turned out perfectly and everyone wanted the recipe).
I was finally that mom. The one I always saw laughing and giggling with a group of mommy friends all seated together on a huge blanket surrounded by their babies. Somewhere between eating cubes of cheddar cheese and sipping on Nina’s homemade lavender lemonade (which was amazing, by the way), I realized that this is what was missing in my life. I looked down at Aubrey and felt like I was not just a mom; I felt like a whole person. I hadn’t felt like that in ages. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel completely and utterly alone.
Nina, a seasoned mom of four, and I hit it off especially well. At the first La Lait meeting we spent some time chatting, while she bounced her six-month-old twins, Aiden and Finch, one in each arm.
I almost said, “Wow, you have your hands full,” but remembered how much I hate when people say that to me. It’s basically code for “Your life looks unmanageable.” She dresses just like me: black stretch pants that she woke up in and long-sleeved shirts or hoodies. But our bonding wasn’t just over clothing preferences—I love how relaxed she is. Nothing seems to faze her. When Aiden and Finch both started projectile spitting in a stream of white milk, one over each shoulder like some sort of marble water fountain, she just looked at the three-foot-long splat mark on the linoleum and said, “I think that’s a new record, boys. Well done.” Then she set them down on a mat and wiped the whole thing up with a burp cloth. I would have wanted to sink into the floor. Nina just rolls with the punches. I’d love to be like that one day.
The craziest part about her is that she has FOUR kids, including the twins. Besides Finch and Aiden, there’s Everdeen, four, and Lillyanne, six. I have no idea how she does it. She’s so cheerful and sarcastic. She told me that the trick to making it through the day is to “always have a glass of wine or piece of chocolate waiting for you at the end of the day...or with lunch, whatever.” I love her.
Lola’s toddler, Donovan, is her first, but she’s hoping for another. When I told her that I’m probably one and done, she said “Just wait,” and winked. I got the feeling she’s been trying for a second for a while now but didn’t want to pry.
I also chitchatted with a mom named Kristen. Her little girl is Alice, who’s just three months old. She reminds me of myself when Aubrey was a newborn: quiet, insecure, and trying so hard to find her groove. She was learning how to use a beautiful purple-and-black striped baby carrier on my first day with the group. Three moms were helping: one held the baby while the other two wrapped her up. As I watched her stand there, surrounded by friendship and encouragement, I felt a little pang of sadness. Maybe I wouldn’t have had such a hard time getting used to this whole motherhood thing if I’d had a group like this.
Sitting on the grass on overlapping blankets, babies, moms, and containers full of fragrant salads and sandwiches, I felt like I’d finally come home.
Today was an absolute success.
Except for one small incident.
After lunch Aubrey started fussing and I knew she wanted a bottle right away.
Lola knew, too. “Looks like someone wants lunch!”
I froze. Letting Aubrey just starve was out of the question but was I supposed to whip out my plastic container of devil’s dust and say, “April fool”?
Aubrey started fussing louder, and within moments was in a full-blown cry. I saw Nina glance at me questioningly and did the only thing I could think of.
I sniffed her bum. “Phew! She’s ripe! I’m going to change her in the car before I feed her. Don’t want to ruin anyone’s appetite.” And then I dashed off, diaper bag in hand.
As I sat in the back of my car, feeding Aubrey, I stared down at her face and tried not to cry. What am I doing? I felt like a fugitive. A fake. But I can’t lose my friends, I just can’t.
I checked into the Motherhood Better Bootcamp portal and nearly everyone has found their way into a playgroup or book club and seems to be having a blast with their new clique. It’s too late for me to find a new playgroup and I really, really like these moms.
I know the truth will have to come out eventually, but until then, is it wrong to just enjoy finally having people to talk to?
9 P.M.
Honesty is the foundation for all friendships and it’s no different for mommies. Always tell your village what’s on your heart. I’ve found that the soothing, warm water of a sea-salt hot tub makes for a comforting place to get vulnerable.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
I had the best day with Nina today. After the picnic lunch we took the kids to the zoo. Well, I took Aubrey. Nina brought—or should I say “corralled”—her four. I have no idea how she does it. She wore one twin (Finch, I think), used a double stroller for Aiden and Everdeen, and Lillyanne walked.
She makes having one kid look like a walk in the park. It felt almost criminal complaining to her about Aubrey’s sleep problems, but she was sympathetic. It was so good to have someone to talk to. Someone who gets it. With David it’s like talking to a brick wall. I love him, but trying to get him to understand what motherhood is doing to my brain and body is an exercise in futility.
Nina told me that she remembers what it was like to be a first-time mom and that everything I’m feeling is completely normal. When I’m around her I feel less like a screwup and more like a mom who is just trying to make it through the day, just like them.
Aubrey is starting to really love our outings, too. I don’t know if it’s because I’m more relaxed, but she was giggling and pointing at all of the animals. She just looked happier. Lillyanne’s only six but she was a huge help. When I was changing Aubrey, she reached under the stroller and handed me wipes just when I needed them. Maybe there’s something to this whole have-more-than-one-kid thing.
I know I need to come clean about not exactly being a breastfeeding mom sooner than later, but...we’re having so much fun together.
*
When we got back home, Aubrey was wiped out and slept for two hours. While she dozed, I chopped tomatoes and diced onions for Kristen’s homemade pasta sauce. Turns out she’s a chef. I told her about my kitchen fiascos and she assured me this one is foolproof. By the time Aubrey woke up it was done, and my house smelled like a basil wonderland. For the first time since I can remember, David went back for seconds at dinner. He’s even taking the leftovers to work for lunch.
I wish I could have enjoyed the meal as much as he did. Sure, the sauce was great, but each bite just reminded me how much I need my new friends and that it’s all going to end, probably terribly, any day now.