“Yeah,” I shrug. “She’s probably the only girl I’ve known that long. The only girl I’ve actually spent a lot of time with, the only one I actually care about.”
“Okay, so you care about her, you’re friends, and you’ve known her quite awhile,” Will says, as if ticking off a checklist. “And you liked the…how to put this…‘carnal’ aspects of the relationship, yes?”
I turn to look him in the eye, and nod in a way that lets him know all he needs to.
“Very good. Right. And did you have sex with any other woman at any point during this not-relationship? Did you even want to?”
I take a few seconds to consider it before answering.
“No. Not really. I haven’t even thought about fucking anyone else since we started.” Once it’s out of my mouth, my response seems to shock me more than it does Will, who just nods.
“Okay. So again – just to clarify – this is a girl with whom you have a strong emotional relationship, which you’ve had for many years now, and with whom you have a wonderful sexual relationship, and who satisfies you sufficiently that you haven’t even considered looking anywhere else. And this thing you have, which is not a relationship, is somehow now ‘over’ and you’ve just gone and given up? Forgive me if I’ve missed something there.”
“It’s not that simple,” I say, a little frustrated at how simple it actually sounds. “Her brother is my best friend. He’d kill both of us if he found out about us.”
“Ah! A disapproving brother,” Will says, nodding sarcastically. “How romantic! It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only with less ruffles. And hopefully less suicide.”
“Do you have to wisecrack your way through my fucking problems?”
Will laughs and shakes his head.
“If I’m wisecracking it’s because I don’t see the problem! If he’s a good brother and a good friend, how can he not understand? You two obviously care about each other – you wouldn’t give up the promiscuous life you lead for anything less than something wonderful, and she evidently cares about you enough to forgive you your past sins, which are many and great. Whether this ominous-sounding brother is upset or ecstatic at the idea of you two together, it shouldn’t really matter, should it?”
I let the question hang in the air, falling somewhere deep into my own thoughts, and the new ones planted there by Will. He rubs a hand on my shoulder as I stare into the bottom of my empty glass as if the answers are sitting down in there.
“Maybe you’re right,” I mumble eventually. “I just…it feels like a hell of a commitment. I like my freedom. I don’t know how much I’m willing to give it up.”
Will smiles and shakes his head before speaking.
“From my perspective, Nate, it looks like you’ve got your freedom, and you don’t know what to do with it anymore.”
I allow myself a little smile.
“I don’t know that she’d even take me back now. Even if she did, it’s a big change. I just don’t know if I’m ready.”
“See that brunette that’s been casting her enticing eyes at me? There’s a lovely blonde sitting right next to her that you’d have been all over a couple of months ago,” Will says, slowly and deliberately. “You gonna go over there and get her, or should I do it for you?”
I look over at the blonde and shrug, uninterested.
“That’s what I thought.” Will smirks. “I don’t think you need to figure anything out, Nate. That change you don’t think you’re ready for? It’s already happened.”
19
Jessie
Lorelei leaps out of the booth like she just heard a bomb go off the second I walk through the doors of the diner. She quickly steps toward me and I smile awkwardly as her enthusiasm draws a couple of strange looks.
“Lorelei…” I say as she takes my backpack from me and leads me by the arm to the table.
“Christ this bag is heavy, Jessie! You shouldn’t be carrying this!”
She dumps it on a chair and pulls another out for me. I roll my eyes a little and sit in it as she takes the seat opposite.
“I’m pregnant, Lorelei,” I say, leaning over so the few people still looking can’t hear, “not dying.”
“I know,” she says, with a tenderness in her voice she usually reserves for children, “but you’ve got to take better care of yourself from now on.”
I sigh and laugh a little at her – I can’t fault her ability to care.
“So what did the doctor say?” she says, with the urgency of a question she’s been anxious to ask.
“It’s all good. Blood test good, blood pressure good, examination good. Nothing to report.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“Yeah,” I say, opening the menu in front of me. “My only problems now are the ones the doctor can’t fix. Oh, by the way, I filled out some form there and they asked for an emergency number. I put yours down – that’s cool, right?”
“Sure. Of course,” Lorelei replies, before pursing her lips as if holding back what she wants to say next.
I notice. We’ve spent too much time together the past few years for me not to notice.