“I wasn’t as happy as I thought I’d be after I got my cuts in 100.”
“What’s wrong?” I rush to say. “You’ve been working toward this your whole life!” After winning first place at Junior Nationals and qualifying for a second event at the Olympic trials, his name was splashed all over the Tennessee papers, and the major swimming websites mentioned his name as a serious swimmer to watch in the NCAA when he goes to college. Even USA Swimming tweeted about him qualifying in a second event. Everything is coming together for him. Is he starting to feel pressured like Jason?
But what comes out of my best friend’s mouth is not about feeling pressured. It’s not what I expect at all.
“I miss you.”
I touch his arm. “I’m right here, Leaves.”
“I made a serious mistake. I shouldn’t have tried to push you away… I was scared. I’ve never had a girlfriend before and wasn’t ready to deal with the idea of fitting that into my schedule. But the truth is, I want…I want you more than anything.”
I gasp.
“I know I was an ass,” he goes on, stepping closer to gently touch the frayed hem of my sweatshirt. My body begins to tremble all over. I can’t breathe.
“Do you like Noah?” he asks.
I shrug a little. I do like the idea of going out with a guy and just having fun. Where there’s not much risk involved. But is love without risk really love at all? Or is it a shortcut to nowhere?
My heart hurt so much after Levi broke it. To be honest, it’s still cracked, and it’s been hard work piecing it back together. I’m glad our friendship survived, but I am not sure I want to risk it again.
Plus, I don’t have my cuts yet. I need to stay focused. Now is not the time for more emotional ups and downs. I only have bandwidth to focus on one thing—swimming or this thing with Levi—and right now, swimming comes first.
“I want to see how my date with Noah goes, I guess,” I say quietly.
He grasps my hands. “Before the state championship,” he starts, “you said we should talk after the race. I wasn’t ready then, but I am now.”
A tear drips down my cheek. “Levi, I love you.”
His eyes flare. “I love you t—”
I interrupt him before I start bawling. “You’re my best friend, but what you did to me sucked so much. It was the most important race of my life, and you hurt me so you wouldn’t have to deal with your feelings.”
“And I told you. I know I was a dick that day. I’m asking for another chance.” His eyes are bright blue and shiny like the sparkling stars above.
I stare out at the beach. Another baby turtle pokes his head out of the ground. He emerges from the hole, gangly and dirty with sand. He walks purposefully down to the water, where little waves lap over his shell and clean him up.
I turn and reach for Levi. He swallows me in a hug. His body fits perfectly against mine. It would be so easy to tilt my chin so he can kiss along my jaw. But I’m trembling worse than I did at my driver’s test.
I’ve lost races in my life. Quite a few actually, and every single one hurt. Not one race—not even losing that state championship race to Roxy—hurt as much as Levi deliberately trying to push me away. How bad would it hurt if I let him back in and he left me again?
What happens when we leave for college?
“I need some time to think,” I say, pulling away. “And some sleep.”
His face is sad as he nods. “I’ll pick you up in the morning.”
I squeeze his hands. “Good night.”
After one last look at the tiny turtles, I head home.
? ? ?
“Maggie! Why don’t you own anything cute?”
“They’re pajamas,” I reply. “Not a prom dress.”
Georgia came over to help me plan for my date next weekend, and digging through my pajama drawer frustrates her to no end.
“You need something sexy!”
“No, I don’t. These red pajamas are fine.”
She gives my plaid pj’s a horrified look. “My granddad wears those.”
At first I was excited about having a date to the pajama party. Then Levi told me how he feels. Part of me wonders if I should cancel on Noah, but that seems rude. And probably premature, because I have no idea what to do about Levi.
Georgia opens my laptop and types “sexy pajamas” into the search engine. “Oooh, what about this leopard print?”
“Georgia. No.”
“C’mon! How about these policewoman pajamas? You can carry handcuffs.”
“No! What are you going to wear?” I ask her.
“Hello Kitty.”
That gives me an idea. I type into the search box. Pictures pop up and Georgia’s eyes balloon. “That’s definitely sexy.”
I click on the pajamas and order them because they remind me of Levi.
“Are you going with David?”
She nods. “Get this. My mother loves him.”
“Really?” That’s surprising. Georgia’s mom sticks her nose up at pretty much everybody, even the preacher at church.
“I was shocked,” Georgia says. “At first it made me wonder whether Hunter is right, that I could do better, because who wants to date a guy their totally strict mother approves of? But then David kissed me, and it was pretty good.”
I smile. “So you’re sticking with him?”
“For now. We’re having fun.”
“Is it serious?”
She looks down at her twined fingers. “I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m ready for serious yet. I like what you said about experimenting, because I’m getting used to dating again…and part of me wants to be single when I get to college.”
Based on the magazines in Mom’s office at King’s Royal Engagements, it seems like society doesn’t interpret being single as a positive. We spend a lot of time dressing up, putting on makeup, removing unwanted hair, going on dates, all in the hope of finding someone to spend our lives with.
Before Levi, nothing—not even finding a soul mate—was as important as swimming. Now? I want someone to talk to at night, to tell about how practice went that day. I want to cuddle with a guy who finishes my sentences…and works out the annoying knots in my shoulders.
But it’s okay to be single too. I’m glad Georgia’s figuring out what she wants, or in this case, simply going with the flow. She’s okay with being with a guy who might be great for now, but maybe not forever.
The next day at lunch, the sophomore who lives in Levi’s neighborhood appears at our table. She scoots a chair between Levi and me. I raise my eyebrows at him, only to find he’s focused on her.
“Patches had such a good time playing with Pepper yesterday,” she says. “My mom was pissed the dog came home all wet and muddy, but Patches was happy.”
Levi grins. “My dog is totally going to corrupt your dog.”
“Can they play again soon?”
“I have practice every day this week, but maybe Friday after school? By the way, do you know my friends?” He introduces us all to Rebecca.
She looks at me for a sec, then turns back to Levi. “There’s going to be a puppy bowl at the pajama party this year. Do you and Pepper want to come with me and Patches?”