Here, I want to kiss him.
Kale pauses halfway, his eyes bright under the sun. We’re inches from each other with only the water between us, feeling thinner than the air. Even though my lungs burn, I can’t think of anything else but him.
He gives me one last, longing look, and the moment our lips touch, I never want us to part. A racing jolt sprints down my spine and through my stomach. Nothing I’ve ever felt before. Is this seriously happening right now?
It’s a small kiss, like he’s afraid to break whatever we have between us. Soft and careful, but something amazing. Saying more than words can describe. I want it to last forever.
I might drown down here, but I’ll drown happy.
Kale pulls away and I open my eyes again, not ever remembering closing them. My lungs burn for air with my heart pounding hard, but I don’t want to rise yet, almost afraid our secret world will keep our secrets with it. That once we break the surface, this will have never had happened. Like trying to remember dreams.
But when Kale finally lets go of the rock, I follow him up.
It truly is another world. I hear the breeze and river, and I can smell grass and everything that comes with summer. And whatever disappeared between us below the water is back, creating an invisible wall we can’t see around. I don’t know why it’s there, but I don’t want it. This awkwardness. It’s what I was afraid of.
Kale’s chin is level with the water, his eyes still staring with uncertainty.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“You don’t have to be,” I say, shaking my head once.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not something you should be sorry for.” I start for the shore, feeling nervous again, which is weird because it’s Kale, and I’m never nervous around him. I can still feel the trace of his lips on mine. Just thinking about it makes my face hot.
When I’m almost out of the water, Kale’s voice makes me pause.
“Harper?” He can’t be more than a foot behind me. “I was going to say, I’m sorry for not doing that sooner.” I turn around, and he gives me a cute, nervous smile. “Is that okay for me to say?”
“Yeah,” I nod, my heart still racing, “It’s more than okay.”
Because it is.
Kale lowers his eyes and walks past me onto the shore, pulling on his T-shirt. With his hair wet and away from his face, I notice a thin red line over his right eyebrow. “You can tell Uncle Jasper I can help him with the car tomorrow,” he says, not noticing me looking.
“How did you get that?” I ask, pointing above my own eye.
He hesitates and touches his forehead, like he forgot it was there. “Oh, I tripped on the rug in the hallway and nicked the table. It’s not as bad as it looks.” Once Kale pulls his shoes on, he takes a couple steps toward the direction of his house. “I should get back.”
Any other time, I wouldn’t want him to go. But with what just happened, I don’t know what to say or how to act around him. I think we both feel it. What do you say to someone after kissing them for the first time? Especially someone you’ve known your entire life.
“See you tomorrow?” I ask, because that’s all I can think of.
He nods once more. “Definitely.”
When Kale is gone and I’m left standing by myself, the truth of what happened is something I’m not able to ignore.
I kissed Kale Jackson.
And I think I want to do it again.
23.
Kale
For the first time in six months, I sleep through the night.
A dark, dreamless sleep.
I wake up in the morning and feel somewhat like myself again. The sun is already up, shining through the cracks in my broken blinds. But it’s late enough that Dad and Bryce are already gone for the day.
I don’t feel exhausted, and my muscles don’t ache like they have been. Then my heart pounds when I remember what happened last night at the river. I feel like I can’t breathe.
I push Harper from my mind for a moment so I can think straight.
It doesn’t work.
I grab some clean clothes and walk across the hall to take a shower, and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes are less prominent and my skin is less pale.
I forgot what rest feels like.
But I never thought I’d forget what happy feels like. Even though it’s a small sensation in my stomach right now, I still feel it. Slowly growing. A new plant that forgot the sun.
I can only hope it doesn’t go away too soon.
After taking a shower, I eat a real breakfast. Also something I haven’t done in a long time. I make myself eggs and toast, sure to clean up once I’m done.
The phone rings as I finish loading the dishwasher. It echoes through the hallway, one ring after another. I have no doubt it’s Libby again and I almost don’t answer it, not wanting to get in another fight.
I walk into the hallway and my hand pauses over the phone.
It rings once more and I pick it up.
“Hello?”
There’s a pause and I hear a door slam. “Kale?”
I recognize the voice and my lips turning up into a smile. “Miles?”
He says, “I wasn’t sure if you’d be home, but I guess it’s my lucky day.”
“Yeah, I’m still here.” I feel like I’ve said that a lot lately. “What’s going on?”
“Well, I know you wanted to throw some ball tonight, but I think I’ve got a better idea.”
“A better idea, or a different idea?” I ask. “There’s a difference.”
“Possibly the latter,” he says, and I can hear him smiling.
“Well what is it then?” I walk upstairs and grab my keys off the desk, pocketing them and grabbing my baseball cap. I take a long look at my sweatshirt hanging over my chair before deciding to leave it.
I don’t feel cold today.
Miles continues, “There’s a band playing in the city tonight, and Grace is friends with the lead singer, so she really wants to go. And she also wants Harper to come, too, so you have to make sure that happens, because whatever Grace wants—”
“—Grace gets,” I finish, nodding.
“So what do you say?”
I do want to go.
Probably more than anything right now. But tonight will be my fourth night here, and I haven’t made it that long in months. I feel fine. It’s like my countdown is on pause, at least for right now. But tomorrow feels like a long way off.
“Kale? You still there?”
“Yeah … and yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
I glance up at the old photos of me and Harper, feeling more anchored than ever before.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
I park next to Uncle Jasper’s truck and cut the engine.
The Rabbit isn’t parked in the driveway, meaning Harper isn’t here, which means I’ve put the moment off for a bit longer. It doesn’t make me feel any less nervous about seeing her.
I grab my hat from the passenger seat and put it on, swiping my hair away from my eyes. As I get out, I notice the dark clouds, which have been growing and getting darker on my way over here.
I’ve forgotten the last time it rained.