This news hits me like a punch in the gut. Why, I do not know. I mean, who cares if Kim Fancy is doing the same mud run that I am? It doesn’t make me any less special.
Yes it does! screams the cocktail party in my head.
I see Jill Kaplan waving frantically at me from the other side of the chocolate river.
“We better join them,” I say to JJ.
As we walk toward where the kids are going to decorate their bunnies, I pull myself together. Jacques has lined up fifteen small bunnies, one for each of the kids to personalize and take home. There are candy eyes, candy bows, candy hats, and even candy carrots for them to have fun with. I notice Max trying to put the candy carrot on the bunny’s nose like he would make a snowman nose, but he can’t get it to stick, so he eats it.
“Hey, no eating the accessories, buddy,” I admonish him.
“What’s the assesories?”
“The decorations.” There is a lull in the constant chatter as the kids busy themselves with their task. I glance up to see Miss Ward and Jacques standing in the corner whispering while they watch.
“Could she be any more obvious?” JJ sidles up to me to continue her bitch session. I find myself wondering if Miss Ward did indeed whore herself out for a free class tour of the chocolate factory and decide that if she did, she’s a better woman than I am.
“You know, I’ve been training for a mud run, too,” I tell JJ as a way to change the subject. “I wonder if it’s the same one Kim is doing.”
“You are?” JJ’s tone is a little more incredulous than I would like.
“Yeah. I’ve been training since September.”
“Wow, I had no idea mud runs are so in vogue.” She seems baffled that she would be out of the loop on something popular.
“Oh, yes. All the middle-aged housewives are doing it.”
“Really?”
I smile. “No, I’m just kidding. Do you know which race Kim is planning to run?”
“Uh, it’s here in April. That’s all I know. Is that the one you are doing?”
“I think so. I had an accident a few weeks ago and it put me on the disabled list. I get to start training again next week.” As I say this, it starts to throb down there and I realize starting to work out again is going to be a bitch. I’m still tender, plus I’m out of shape. Garth is going to have an “I told you so” field day.
“Maybe I should do it, too.” JJ jostles me out of my thoughts.
My God, does this woman ever do anything on her own? She is a professional bandwagon-jumper-on, if there is such a thing.
“Absolutely. Give it a go,” is all I say to her.
“Less chitchat, please, moms.” Miss Ward has extracted herself from Jacques and joined us without JJ or me noticing. I ignore the reprimand.
“Looks like you and Jacques have made a love connection,” I comment.
Miss Ward makes the face I make when I have smelled bad cheese.
“He’s not my type at all.”
I look at JJ and she rolls her eyes.
“Okay, it’s time to get the kids into their coats and back on the bus.” Miss Ward pulls her purse over her shoulder.
As the little ones load onto the bus, clutching their bunnies, each one wrapped in cellophane, I give Max a hug and thank JJ and Jill for chaperoning.
My phone buzzes while I’m starting up the trusty minivan. God, it feels good to sit down! It’s a text from Ron.
Want a night off from cooking? Let’s go to Garozzo’s for dinner.
Oh, he read my mind.
Max too?
Already got Chyna to sit with him, so it’s just you and me, babe.
Sounds like just what I need.
Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I got. I did kiss a lot of frogs, but it was worth it to end up with this prince of a man.
My phone buzzes again.
You look great today.
Dinner and flattery? Hm … something’s up.
Thanks! You always look great.
Seriously? I didn’t think you noticed.
How can I not?
Glad you like what you see.
Typical Ron. He has no idea how cute he is.
I do indeed.
You’re making me smile.
I want to do more than that.
Aren’t you frisky today!
You are, too.
What do you want to do about it?
I text him my sign for boobs since they’re his favorite part of my body. The poor man hasn’t had sex since my accident. He’s been so patient. Then I have an idea.
How about we take a little bathroom break at Garozzo’s tonight?
Really?
Really. You’ve waited long enough.
Wow. I don’t know what to say.
Say you’ll see me at 7, dummy!
Okay.
I laugh as I start the minivan and pull into traffic. Ron and I used to flirt-text all the time. It’s been too long. Tonight should be fun. I haven’t had bathroom sex in ages.
*
Ron has a last-minute work crisis, so I end up meeting him at the restaurant. He is waiting for me in his car and jumps out when I pull up. He seems a bit preoccupied, so to cheer him up I give him a huge hug and let him know I’ve gone commando tonight.
“Really? Wow. That’s unexpected.” He grins like a goof.
“I thought I’d make it as convenient as possible.” I squeeze his butt.
“It?” He squeezes mine back.
“Yes, it.”
“Well, this is a nice surprise.”
“Really?” I stop walking and look at him. “We planned it earlier.”
“We did? When?”
“Today. You were flirty-texting me.” I reach into my purse to show him my phone and when I look up I see Don Burgess coming around the corner. He stops short when he sees us. Complete and utter horror washes over me as I realize what I’m going to see when I look at my texts. Don. Ron. Shit. I seriously need to think about getting glasses.
“What are you talking about? Let me see.” He reaches for my cell and I consider making a run for it. But in the end I know this will all go better if I just ’fess up.
Don is frozen in place, looking very confused. I’m guessing he’s trying to assess the situation.
Ron finishes reading and looks first at me and then notices Don.
“Don. What’s up? Having dinner here tonight?” Ron’s voice is way too calm for my comfort.
“Uh, yeah.” Don, to his credit, looks confused and uncomfortable. “You guys, too?”
“We sure are. Who are you eating with?” Ron crosses his arms and takes a wide stance, like he’s a bouncer.
“Okay, okay, let’s not make this awkward,” I say, as though it isn’t already. I stand between the two of them. Don and Ron. Jeez, what are the odds?
“Did you come here to have sex with my wife in the bathroom?” Ron’s velvet voice is about an octave lower than usual.
Don’s face shows no sign of the panic that is ripping through me.
“Um, no. I came here to tell her I couldn’t have sex with her in the bathroom.”
“What?” Ron and I say at the same time. I’m a little insulted. He’d be lucky to have sex with me anywhere, especially a bathroom. I realize this wouldn’t be a smart thing to say right now, so I force out a laugh.
“It’s all a big misunderstanding.” I put my hand on Ron’s arm. “It’s actually really funny when you think about it.”