“I lost control today.” Her voice cracks. “I hurt him. I hurt Tzain.”
I open my mind a little further, just beyond the point of pure relief. Zélie’s memory rushes in like a wave spilling onto shore.
I feel it all, Tzain’s venomous words, the shadows that raged. The guilt, the hatred, the shame left in her magic’s wake.
I squeeze Zélie tighter, a warm rush running through me when she squeezes back. “I lost control once, too.”
“Did someone get hurt?”
“Someone died,” I say quietly. “Someone I loved.”
She pulls back and looks up, tears brimming in her eyes. “That’s why you’re so afraid of your magic?”
I nod. The guilt of Kaea’s death twists a knife inside me. “I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt.”
Zélie leans back into my chest and releases a heavy breath. “I don’t know what to do.”
“About?”
“Magic.”
My eyes go wide. Of all the things I imagined, I never thought I’d hear this doubt come from her mouth.
“This is what I want.” Zélie waves a hand at the bliss of the festival. “This is everything I’ve been fighting for, but when I think of what happened…” Her voice trails off. Tzain’s bleeding shoulder fills her mind. “These people are good. Their hearts are pure. But what will happen if I bring magic back and the wrong maji tries to take control?”
The fear is so familiar, it feels like my own. Yet somehow it’s not nearly as strong as before. Even when I think back to Kwame in flames, the first image that comes to my mind is how they sputtered out when Zulaikha instructed him to stop.
Zélie opens her mouth to continue, but no words come out. I gaze at the fullness of her lips. I stare a bit too long when she bites them.
“It’s so unfair,” she sighs.
I look down at her. It’s hard to believe we’re both awake. How many times have I wanted to hold her like this? To have her hold me back?
“You just get to dance around in my mind while I have no idea what’s going on in yours.”
“You really want to know?”
“Of course I want to know! Do you realize how embarrassing it is to have no con—”
I push her against the bark of the tree. My mouth presses against her neck. She gasps as I run my hands up her back. A small moan escapes her lips.
“This,” I whisper. My mouth brushes her skin with each word. “This is what I’m thinking. This is what’s going through my head.”
“Inan,” she breathes, voice ragged. Her fingers dig into my back, pulling me closer. Everything in me wants her. Wants this. All the time.
With that desire, everything becomes clear. It all begins to make sense.
We don’t need to fear magic.
We only need each other.
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
ZéLIE
YOU CAN’T.
You can’t.
You can’t.
No matter how many times I repeat these words, my desire rages like a ryder out of control.
Tzain will kill us if he finds out. But even as this thought runs through my head, my nails dig into Inan’s back. I pull him into me, pressing until I can feel the hard lines of his body. I want to feel more. I want to feel him.
“Come back to Lagos with me.”
I force my eyes open, unsure whether I’ve heard him correctly. “What?”
“If freedom is what you want, come back to Lagos with me.”
It’s like diving into the cold lakes of Ibadan; a visceral shock that pulls me from our fantasy. A world where Inan is just a boy in a handsome kaftan; a maji, not a prince.
“You promised you wouldn’t get in my way—”
“I shall keep my word,” Inan cuts me off. “But Zélie, that’s not what this is.”
Walls start to form around my heart, walls I know he can feel. He pulls away, sliding his hands from my back to the sides of my face.
“When you bring magic back, the nobility will fight tooth and nail to stop you. The Raid will happen again and again. The war won’t end until an entire generation of Or?shans is dead.”
I look away, but deep down I know he’s right. It’s the reason the fear won’t go away, the reason I can’t allow myself to truly celebrate. Zu’s built a paradise, but when magic returns, the dream will end. Magic doesn’t give us peace.
It only gives us a fighting chance.
“How will me coming back to Lagos solve any of that?” I ask. “As we speak, your father calls for my head!”
“My father’s scared.” Inan shakes his head. “He’s misguided, but his fear is justified. All the monarchy’s ever seen is the destruction maji can bring. They’ve never experienced anything like this.” He gestures to the camp, face alight with so much hope his smile practically glows in the darkness. “Zulaikha created this in one moon, and there are already more div?ners in Lagos than anywhere else in Or?sha. Just imagine what we could accomplish with the resources of the monarchy behind us.”
“Inan…” I start to resist, but he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and trails his thumb down my neck.
“If my father could see this … see you…”
With one touch, everything inside me shivers, pushing against my doubt. I lean into him, hungry for more.
“He’ll see what you’ve shown me.” Inan holds me close. “The maji of today are not the maji he fought. If we build a colony like this in Lagos, he’ll understand he has nothing to fear.”
“This settlement only survives because no one knows where we are. Your father would never allow maji to congregate anywhere besides chained in the stocks.”
“He won’t have a choice.” Inan’s grip tightens, a spark of defiance flaring for the first time. “When magic is back, he won’t have the power to take it away. Whether or not he agrees with me at first, in time he’ll come to understand what’s best. We can unite as one kingdom for the very first time. Amari and I will lead the transition. We can do it if you’re there by our side.”
A flame of hope lights inside me, one I should put out. Inan’s vision begins to crystallize in my mind, the structures Grounders could erect, the techniques Mama Agba could teach all of us. Baba would never have to worry about the taxes again. Tzain could spend the rest of his life playing ag—
Before I can finish the thought, guilt slams into me. The memory of the blood leaking from under my brother’s hands extinguishes any excitement.
“It wouldn’t work,” I whisper. “Magic would still be too dangerous. Innocent people could get hurt.”
“A few days ago I would’ve said the same thing.” Inan pulls back. “But this morning you proved me wrong. With just one lesson, I realized that one day I could actually gain control. If we taught the maji how to do the same in designated colonies, they could reenter Or?sha after they’re trained.”
Inan’s eyes light up and his words begin to rush together.
“Zélie, just imagine what Or?sha could become. Healers like Zu would eradicate sickness. A team of Grounders and Welders could eliminate the need for the stocks. Skies, think of what the army would fight like with your animations leading the charge.”
He presses his forehead against mine, getting far too close for me to think clearly.
“It’ll be a new Or?sha.” He calms down. “Our Or?sha. No battles. No wars. Just peace.”