I watched as Susan bounced away. “I didn’t think she was that old. Maybe this is her last kid in school or something.”
“Maybe,” Melissa said with a concerned look. “What was her name?”
I opened the door to Derby’s and said, “Susan Powell. Her daughter’s name was Kate. She invited me to a meeting a bunch of moms are putting together in an effort to stop bullying in school.”
That made Melissa light up. “Really? That’s awesome. Maybe I can come along as well.”
The hostess grinned as we approached her. “Welcome to Derby’s. Just the two of you?”
“Yep!” I said as I turned to Melissa. “I think that would be great if you came. With your knowledge and connections in the community, you would be a great asset to them.”
Melissa pulled out her chair and tossed the small bag onto the table as she thanked the hostess. “Onto other subjects now.”
I rolled my eyes as I took the menu and looked it over. The only reason I was pretending to read it was so that I didn’t have to look at Melissa. “You know damn well what you’re getting to eat so stop avoiding eye contact with me.”
My mouth dropped open as I lowered the menu. I gave Melissa a I don’t know what you’re talking about look.
Widening my eyes, I leaned over and stared at her. “There. Happy?”
Scrunching her nose, Melissa said, “I bought you something!”
I lifted an eyebrow. “Really? What?”
She pushed the bag over to me and said, “Open it.”
I cautiously reached for the bag and pulled it over to me and opened it.
“What the fuck?” I said as Melissa started clapping and laughed.
Frantically looking around, I pulled out the box and stared at it. “Why did you buy me a pregnancy test?”
The waiter walked up and gave us a big toothy grin.
“Ladies, good afternoon. Oh! Oh wow.” Pointing to the test, the waiter smiled. “So please tell me you’re going to do that here.”
Melissa and I both looked up at our waiter. “Here? As in right here?” I asked.
With a chuckle, he rolled his eyes and looked at Melissa like he thought I had said the stupidest thing ever. “No, I expect you to at least go into the restroom.”
A small laugh escaped my lips as I dropped the box onto the table. “No. I don’t need a pregnancy test because I’m not pregnant.”
Melissa and our waiter asked at the same time, “Are you sure?”
My eyes widened as I looked between the two of them. “Yes! I’m on the pill!” I said in a hushed voice.
Our waiter let out a huff and waved his hand in dismal. “Girl, that is not full proof. Unless your man shrouded his trout before he made you shout.”
“What?” I asked as Melissa started laughing and my mouth dropped open as I stared at the waiter. A man I had never seen before, who was now not only talking about me taking a pregnancy test, but condoms and sex.
“Oh my gawd! I have to keep you!” she said as they high fived each other. “Even when I’m eager, I protect my beaver.”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head. No. Just no.
“If you’re gonna get between her thighs, condomize.”
Melissa pointed to our waiter and said, “No glove, no love.”
His head went back in a roar of laughter as I sat there stunned.
“Are the two of you about finished?”
Melissa pressed her lips together as she whispered, “Sorry.”
The waiter turned and looked at me with a questioning look on his face.
“So?”
“So what?” I asked.
With a frustrated moan like I was wasting his precious time, he asked, “Did he cover the stump before he humped?”
Melissa lost it and laughed as I fought to keep my smile in.
I had no idea why I felt the need to say what I said next to a complete stranger. “If it’s any of your business, we stopped wrapping his pickle before each tickle a few months ago.”
Our waiter grinned from ear to ear. “I like you girls. Now let’s get your drinks, food order, and then we are taking one pregnancy test.”
Melissa began jumping in her seat as I jerked my head back and said, “No. No we are not.”
“Why not?” Melissa asked with a pout.
“Yeah, why not?” The waiter turned to Melissa and asked, “What are you drinking love?”
“I’ll take a Pepsi. Oh and I already know what I want. Ham and swiss on rye with a side of fruit.”
As the waiter wrote it down, my eyes drifted over to the pregnancy test.
There is no way I’m pregnant.
None.
“Okay, water for you and what would you like to eat?”
Pulling my eyes from the box, I said, “Wait. I didn’t order water.”
“Oh, honey, now that you’re pregnant, you need to drink more water.”
Melissa lost it laughing again as I shot our waiter a dirty look. “Stop it! I’m not pregnant.” With a frustrated sigh, I rolled my neck again to ease the aching pain. “I’ll take an iced tea with a cup of French onion soup and a turkey and swiss on wheat.”
“All righty, I’ll get this in and get those drinks.”
Finally he was moving on from this pregnancy nonsense.