Naiya wanted to go to him, hold him, but she’d never seen him so agitated—not even in the weapons shed when he thought she intended to betray him. “What happened? When I left, I thought things were good between you.”
Holt pressed his forehead against the glass. “At first they were. We talked about the club. He filled me in on what I missed. The Sinners and all their support clubs are going to hit the Jacks at the Sandy Lake rally on the weekend, try to end the war. I should be happy, us going after Viper together. But I can’t erase what’s in my head. Three months of thinking they abandoned me. Three months of hating them. Three months of living solely for revenge. I told Tank not to tell the brothers he saw me until I got my shit together. I’m not the same man. I don’t feel the same about them. It’s like those ties broke, and they can’t be fixed.” He bashed his forehead against the glass and Naiya slid off the bed and ran over to him.
“Stop. Don’t hurt yourself.” She slid under his arm, and pushed him away from the window. He was cold, inside and out, and she shivered against him.
“I understand. Not many people would, but I do. I almost shot Viper after what he did to me. Even after I left Devil’s Hills, I couldn’t let it go, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t the same girl anymore.”
“Let what go? You never told me what happened. What did Viper do to you?”
She’d never told anyone except Ally. Not even Maurice. She didn’t want anyone to treat her differently, like she was made of glass, or, worse, in need of sympathy. She’d become adept at hiding her lack of arousal, so the issue never came up. And Maurice had never asked. Looking back, she realized that should have been a warning something wasn’t right with their relationship, but at the time she’d been happy not to feel pressured.
Holt was different. He was live to her issues even though he didn’t know why. Now he wanted to know. And she wanted to tell him.
“He raped me,” she said into his chest. “I was fifteen, alone on my birthday. Arianne’s brother Jeff invited me to the Black Jack clubhouse where they were having a party. I knew better, and if I hadn’t been feeling sorry for myself I wouldn’t have gone, but Jeff had always been kind and he said he’d look out for me. But he was high when I got there, totally out of it. I was about to leave when Viper started talking to me. I was awed and flattered he even noticed me. He spiked my drink and touched me. He was gentle. Seductive. He said sweet things. I let my guard down and went with him to his office. The minute the door closed, everything changed. I don’t remember that much about what he did to me. I’d never … It was my first time and he knew it.”
“Son of a bitch,” Holt muttered. “Son of a fucking bitch.”
She stumbled over her words, not wanting to tell him that she remembered a lot more than she was letting on: terror, horror, torn clothes, hard desk, frantic pleas, begging, screaming, crying, slaps and punches, pain—so much pain, the sting of the blade on her skin, the burn of the tattoo gun on her arm, disgust, humiliation and utter despair. But worse had been waking naked, cold, and alone on his office floor, marked, discarded, and filled with self-loathing for her innocence and stupidity.
“My mom was at the party.” Her voice wavered. “She saw him with me. She knew what he wanted. She never stopped him. Never came into the office when I screamed. And afterward, when I went to her apartment for help, she told me to go back to him or he’d take out his anger on her. I refused, so she threw me out. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. They owned the cops and social services. They owned everyone in Devil’s Hills.”
“I got no words, darlin’.” Holt hugged her tight.
Warm in his embrace, she found the strength to go on. “After a couple of weeks on the streets, I hit rock bottom. I used the last of my cash to buy a gun to kill Viper. My grandmother’s priest saw me at a crosswalk. He must have seen something in my face because he convinced me to go the rectory with him. I told him everything and he got me out of town, found me a place to live with a family in Missoula where I could babysit in exchange for rent and food. They were good people. They encouraged me to finish high school and when I got my first job, I paid the priest back … every cent. He saved me, not just from Viper, but from myself.”
Holt let loose a string of curses, his body going rigid. “Goddamn bastard is gonna fucking pay for everything he did to you. I’m not going to kill him easy. I’m gonna drag it out. Make him suffer the way I suffered, the way you suffered. I’m gonna make him wish for death, and it won’t happen until there’s nothing left to kill.”