"I thought about it this morning." He brushes his soft lips against my cheek. "I stroked my cock thinking about sliding inside your tight, little pussy."
I'm so aroused I feel as though I could come just from listening to him talk. I don't say anything. I only lean forward hoping to feel the touch of his lips against mine.
"If I fuck you once, I won't be able to stop. I'll want it more. I'll never be able to give it up."
I look up into his dark eyes. "You don’t need to stop."
The pad of his thumb traces a path over my bottom lip. "I will destroy you, Rowan."
"You can't destroy me." I dart my tongue out to catch the tip of his thumb.
He looks down at my mouth, his own tongue licking his bottom lip. "I don't know how to love a woman. I will use you. I will hurt you. I will damage you in ways you don't understand."
"No." I shake my head slightly from side-to-side. "You're wrong."
"I'm right. I know myself. I'll hurt you. I'll ruin you."
"I'll risk it." I whisper before I close my eyes and press my mouth into his.
He groans into our kiss, his hands cupping my face. He tilts my head slightly so he can control the pressure of our lips against each other. A low moan escapes his body and floats into mine as his breath quickens.
I feel his erection pressed against me, straining against the fabric of his pants. My hand drops to his belt. I fumble briefly with it before I undo the clasp. Just as my fingers drop to his zipper, he pulls back from our kiss.
"Bell, Christ, please don't." His voice aches with the same desire I feel inside of me. "I can't want you like this. I can't do it."
I'm not one to throw myself at a man but when it's the one man I've always longed to be with, I'm willing to toss tradition out the window. "Let me taste you, Caleb. I want you to come in my mouth."
"Fuck." His lips brush over mine again. "I'm going to explode."
I push both my hands towards the front of his pants. I stroke his long, hard cock through the fabric. "I want this so much."
His hands leap to my face again. "One taste of you will ruin us both. I can't let myself hurt you."
"Caleb,'" I say his name softly as I pull back to look into his eyes. I want him. I've never wanted anything in my life more than I want him but I won't beg. His resistance is real. I not only hear it, but I feel it in his kiss and touch. "Tell me to go if you don't want me."
"It's not that simple." His hands press into my cheeks. "I want you so much. I crave you, Bell."
I try to break free of his touch but he holds steady, keeping his eyes locked on mine.
"I want to push you against that wall and fuck you." He nods his chin towards the wall behind us. "I want to feel you around me. I want to be inside of you."
"Do it," I challenge. "Fuck me, Caleb."
"Shit." His hands fall from my face. "Don't say that. I can't hear that."
It shouldn't be this complicated. The man says he wants me. His body is screaming it and yet he keeps pulling back. "Tell me what you want."
"I want you," he says the words so quickly they meld together. "I want you."
"I'm right here." I smooth my hands over my chest. "You can have me right now."
The tortured look on his face speaks volumes to me before he even opens his mouth. He's fighting a battle within himself. It's a battle born from his desire for my body versus his need for my friendship. "I need you so much. You mean everything to me. I try to control it but sometimes I can't. Today… now… I just couldn't stop but I have to."
I feel the tears barreling through me before they hit my eyes. I wipe my face hoping that will quiet the pain that I feel over the stark realization that regardless of how much he wants me, he'll never take me. "You don't want to make love to me, do you, Caleb?"
I cringe at the shaky sound of my own voice as I say the words. They sound pitiful and hopeless. They're the words of a woman who wants a man so much that she's willing to trade every ounce of her self-worth just to crawl into bed with him. That's not who I am. It's never been who I am.
He bites his bottom lip as he rubs his hand over the back of his neck. "You are the only woman I want to make love to. You're also the only friend I have. I can't risk losing that. I can't."
I can't find words to say in response. I just stare at him wishing I had followed my better judgement and gone home after seeing Gabriel.
"I destroy the people I love." He inhales sharply. "I caused my parent's divorce, I almost ruined Asher's life, I've damaged my relationship with Gabriel and I broke Vena completely. I can't do that to you."
Hearing him say Vena's name jars something within me. It pulls me back to the time when they got engaged and the hope that was there in his eyes. I haven't seen that again. It's gone just as that uncontrollable feeling of desire for him that owned my body not more than five minutes is gone. "I need to go. I need some space. Time, maybe… I can't be your friend right now."
He doesn't respond. There's no effort to stop me as I pick up my purse and walk away.
Chapter 29