BEN SMILED AT ME WHEN I passed him his drink.
It had been two weeks since I’d walked away from Anderson, or rather, since he’d forced me to walk away.
Ben and I had been in steady contact since the hospital, and yesterday he had rang me, heartbroken, after Jenny had called their wedding off. Surprise, surprise. Now she was no longer needed, the heartless bitch had no trouble in dumping Ben quicker than she had lowered her knickers for him.
Ben, obviously, was devastated. He had no idea what he had done wrong, and I was struggling with myself over whether to tell him. Yet, this wasn’t his fault, and I wasn’t sure if telling him Jenny had just been planted and hadn’t even loved him in the first place would soothe his wounds or just make them worse.
So, biting my tongue, I took the seat opposite him in the club we’d decided to give a go, and squeezed his hand. “You will get over her, Ben. It might not seem like it now, but I can promise you that you’re better off without her.”
“How can you say that, Klo? You don’t even know her.”
“No, I don’t. But I know her sort. In my eyes no one will ever be good enough for you anyway. But I’m biased.”
That made him smile; his eyes softened on me as he took a long drink of his vodka. “So, change of subject. Quickly. Tell me something that will take my mind off her.”
Coughing to clear my throat, I smiled. “Let’s play a game.”
His brows rose and he stared at me but nodded. “Go for it.”
“It’s a guessing game. Guess what I’m trying to tell you without me using words.”
He looked bewildered for a second, but gestured for me to go on.
I lifted my drink of orange juice.
He frowned, shaking his head.
I sat back in my chair and rested my hands on my stomach.
Still he appeared completely stumped. Until, I cradled an invisible baby in my arms.
Recognition widened his eyes and shock made his jaw drop. “Fuck! Klo?”
I gulped, sucking my lips behind my teeth and nodded.
Ben’s confusion turned to delight. The biggest smile I had ever seen on his handsome face exploded across his features and he jumped up out of his chair. “Babe. I’m so fucking pleased for you.”
His hug was warm and comforting, his love for me seeping down inside and soothing the pain in my soul. I nodded against him, unable to fight the tears that were careering down my face.
“I can’t keep it,” I whispered into his ear while he still clutched me to him.
He froze against me then reared back. Sadness took over the previous elation, wetting his own eyes. There was only Ben who knew how much I wanted a child, a piece of me that would love me unconditionally, and a part of me that I would love eternally.
Richard had been my only friend. Well, what I thought was a friend. Trudy was also gone, and so was Dave. I now had no one. And suddenly I wanted to let everything out. Holding it all in was crippling me. Ben was the only one who would ever understand me, and although our marriage hadn’t worked out, I knew he loved me, and I still loved him. I always would. He was my first love, the man who had held my hand in the darkness and tried to help me climb out of the pit I often found myself in. Even if he hadn’t succeeded it didn’t mean I didn’t love him for trying.
“Talk to me, Klo.”
“It’s just not to be.” I sat back down and took a long mouthful of my juice, wishing to God it was alcohol. Even though I wasn’t keeping the baby, it still didn’t feel right drowning the poor thing in whisky. “The main reason I’m telling you is that I need someone to go with me to the clinic. I just wondered…I just wondered if…”
“Of course I will.”
I nodded, now unsure of what to say.
“Kloe,” Ben murmured. “Please talk to me. Let me help you. Whatever is going on…”
“I can’t,” I choked out. “It doesn’t even make sense to me.”
“And the father?”
“He’s… not around. Not anymore.”
“But he knows?” he asked hesitantly.
“Yes, he knows. And he knows that I’m… I’m going to kill the only child I’ll ever probably have.”
Ben hurried round the table to me when I broke down. Sliding onto the bench beside me, he shrouded my shoulder with his arm and pulled me into his chest. My tears soaked his shirt, my mascara painting the pale blue cotton with streaks of black. Ben wasn’t concerned. He rocked me, he shushed me, he coaxed me to calm down.
“Babe, please don’t cry. I always hated it when you cried.”
I looked up at him from where my head rested on his strong chest. Tension simmered thick between us, the oxygen in the air thin and stifling. For a long moment we both got lost in the blue of each other’s eyes, both of us remembering and struggling to distinguish the feelings that had started to seep into us.