“And, for this, you touched death?”
I nodded, slightly flustered. “I didn’t want you to see me in only my nightdress. At least by wearing my robe, I could show you respect.” Not exactly the truth, but it seemed to satisfy him. I sank deeper into my cushions, the smoke beneath the samovar lulling my body backward. I never imagined I could feel so tranquil in the emperor’s presence.
Valko’s rested his chin on his hand. “I shall commission new robes for you, Sonya. I want Estengarde to herald you in your full regality, and that doesn’t require fur.”
My limbs tingled with warmth. “Thank you. Are we going to Estengarde?” Traveling with the emperor through the mountain pass would have seemed a daunting affair an hour ago, especially since it meant arriving in a country Riaznin had an on-and-off-again alliance with. But now the prospect infected me with wanderlust.
“No,” he replied, “Estengarde is coming here. At least, an emissary will make the journey after he reads my missive.” Valko tapped a sealed letter on the table. “Anton thinks he’s so clever with his yawning talk of rations and reinforcements, but I have a far better solution.”
A giddy eagerness bubbled inside me. “What is it?”
“Marriage, Sonya. I’m going to propose to Madame Delphine Valois, the king’s favored niece.”
“That’s wonderful!” I replied, his enthusiasm contagious. I adored weddings.
“Soon the snows will melt, and the emissary can cross the mountains to Torchev so we can discuss the dowry, the politics, and all the arrangements. Delphine and I will marry in the spring.”
I sighed. I adored springtime.
Valko’s smile sobered. His hand moved to stroke a lock of my hair, which had fallen across his pillow. “You’re very beautiful, Sonya.”
My breath hitched. Caution danced around the edges of my mind.
“I hope I can say that without offending you,” he added.
His calm assuredness eased every nerve in my body. Any whisper of caution flitted away. “Of course.” I curled onto my side so I was nearer to him. I felt safe enough to fall asleep on these pillows. Some yearning within me made me inch even closer. He didn’t shun from the dark parts of me; he gravitated to them. He accepted all of me. The moments slid by as I let myself gaze at him. His eyes were twin pools of gray-blue water. They invited me. I could almost feel their cooling rush.
Another nudge forward, and our faces were almost touching. His breath was sweet, like currant tea. I pitied him that he must give over another portion of his life to his country by forming the alliance with Estengarde, especially since his heart didn’t seem to be in it.
He tentatively reached up to trace the skin beneath my lower lip. His face, bathed in warm candlelight, appeared so handsome, so open. It tore at my heart. If I kissed him, just once, it might be a kindness, a gift from one friend to another before he married.
The fragrance wafting from the fir cones made my lashes flutter. My aura pulsed with Valko’s in perfect synchronicity. I shared his aching desire, the urge to indulge in what we secretly wanted when so much of our feelings were restricted by our lives.
That longing within me—within him—built into a desperate need. It strung taut along my every muscle and pleaded for release. Unable to contain it a moment longer, I leaned into the emperor and closed the small distance to his mouth.
He shut his eyes and parted his lips. Our mouths pressed together. A gasp of pleasure escaped me. He kissed me with more fervor. I coiled my arms around him and worked my fingers up his neck. His hands slid inside the folds of my robe to encircle the waist of my nightgown. His aura flared to life in a shower of dark and wondrous feeling. My entire body shivered with it. I kissed him deeper, abandoning all thought, all restraint, making room for only this powerful craving within both of us. It was exhilarating to surrender to inhibition, to not be tormented by self-reproach and shame and propriety for the first time since the convent fire. I could lose myself completely to Valko. Escape the guilty remembrance of who I was. Or better yet, accept myself. For perhaps this uninhibited version of me was me—someone I’d suppressed for far too long.
Three knocks sounded in my mind. I cast them away, but they persisted, echoing back a pattern. Three knocks and a beat of silence. Three knocks and a beat of silence.
It was a signal. A signal I must give someone.
Why?
Valko’s kiss didn’t break. I didn’t want it to. Something in me might shatter. I feared for that to happen. I wouldn’t think of the destruction I always left in my wake when I unleashed the full throes of wildness within me. I refused to fight my true nature any longer.
Three knocks.
I cupped the back of Valko’s head and drew our bodies closer.
Rap, rap, rap.
He shifted abruptly and pulled me on top of him. The recklessness I succumbed to felt like freedom. From a life of hiding. From the empire itself.